N+1 is burning a hole in my pocket!

[zoom-zoom]

I think you should get the bike - not for your sake, but for your son's. The two of you could create so many great memories. I think that's more important than making your idiot sister happy. She just sounds so incredibly selfish - a destination wedding that no one in the family can comfortably afford, just so she can stay drunk for days on end... words fail me.

Veronica

Yeah, that's pretty much my thinking, too.

I think I need to talk this over with my mom. Even if money were no object for her or for us the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. It's rather bridezilla-ish to plan a wedding that is a major inconvenience for everyone, but the couple. Especially when her sons will be 10 and 11.5 and won't get to see their mom and "dad" marry. At best it's weird.

[indysteel]

Why talk to your mom? Talk to your sister. You'r both adults--even if you think she doesn't necessarily behave like one. If you have an issue with her decision to hold a destination wedding, she's the person to talk to, and the only person to talk to. It's not your job to convince your parents that your sister's decision is a poor one. They're adults, too, and they can come to that conclusion on their own. If you decide not to go the wedding, obviously you'll have to tell your parents why, but don't use that as an opportunity to bash your sister's decision. I just get the sense that there's some triangulation in your family dynamic based on what you've shared, and it's arguably not particularly healthy.

[redrhodie]

I understand why you feel you need to go. You can look at this as a good thing, that you're supporting her, even though it's a sacrifice for you. Maybe it will even help your relationship. But, if you don't have a positive result in the end, that may make you even more resentful, and make things worse. If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

[zoom-zoom]

If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

Exactly. And Indy's right, I need to talk to her. I have a feeling that if my brother doesn't go and I do that it will not be fun. If my brother and his GF go, then it's foreseeable that the 3 of us would find things to do that don't involve spending a ton of money on booze. If they don't go, then it's me hanging with my sister, her husband, and her other drunken friends. My idea of a good time is not babysitting a bunch of drunks on the Vegas Strip.

[indysteel]

Have you considered the possiblity that she really doesn't want her family there? For all your angst, maybe this was a calculated move on her part. It doesn't sound like you have the happiest of clans. If she does want you there, then I would really give some careful thought to what it will say and mean to her if you don't go. If you truly can't afford it, that's one thing and it's a perfectly valid reason to skip it. But I'd try to look past your other reasons for not wanting to go to see what you might preserve and/or gain by going and what you might lose if you don't.

I am generally an anti-wedding person (I eloped) and I'm estranged from my own dysfunctional siblings, but even I can admit that sometimes you suck it up for the greater good when it comes to weddings and that they are legitimately something we should ideally celebrate with friends and family. It sounds like you do love your sister and her children and genuinely like her fiancee. I have to wonder whether you'll end up regretting it if you don't go (again, assuming you can afford it).

[zoom-zoom]

Have you considered the possiblity that she really doesn't want her family there? For all your angst, maybe this was a calculated move on her part. It doesn't sound like you have the happiest of clans. If she does want you there, then I would really give some careful thought to what it will say and mean to her if you don't go. If you truly can't afford it, that's one thing and it's a perfectly valid reason to skip it. But I'd try to look past your other reasons for not wanting to go to see what you might preserve and/or gain by going and what you might lose if you don't.

I am generally an anti-wedding person (I eloped) and I'm estranged from my own dysfunctional siblings, but even I can admit that sometimes you suck it up for the greater good when it comes to weddings and that they are legitimately something we should ideally celebrate with friends and family. It sounds like you do love your sister and her children and genuinely like her fiancee. I have to wonder whether you'll end up regretting it if you don't go (again, assuming you can afford it).

This is where it becomes tricky. While we do not have a "bad" relationship, per se, we're not really close. My brother and I are definitely MUCH closer. My sister is not really fond of our mom, even after the sacrifices my parents have made and continue to make for her, so I don't think it really even upsets her that our parents are unable to go. The thing that is weird is that her best friend cannot go and that wasn't enough to give her pause. My sister has it in her head that she wants a tacky Vegas wedding, even if it means that very few of her friends and family can go. Her vision of her "perfect" wedding has overridden practicality.

I think I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't. If I go I will be irritated by her likely behavior and the amount of money being spent that could be better spent on a family trip for my DH, DS and I. If I don't go I will feel like a heel, especially in light of the fact that it's possible that I am the only family member who can attend.

[indysteel]

I don't envy you this situation at all, but the more you share, the more I've of the mind that your sister may not care one way or another if you attend. And if that's the case, then don't go. And don't feel bad about it.

But, yes, do talk to her. And maybe come right out and ask whether she really wants you (or anyone else) there. You may not get a straight answer, but you might be able to read enough between the lines to figure it out.

[smittykitty]

Don't own your sister's problems. She is a big time USER. Let me guess, only calls family when she needs something?

Take care of your own immediate family.

What would she do if the situation was reversed? Probably wouldn't be there to support her.

Oh, and when you can't afford to take care of your own family's needs (yes, vacations and of course, bikes, are needs), then you can't afford to go either. It's ok for everyone else to decline. It's ok for you to decline.

Oh, and 8 hours away, count your blessing.

Signed,

Totally Estranged from Siblings (had to to get away from unhealthy relationships)

[Desert Tortoise]

When people have destination weddings, they understand there is a good chance of not having someone important to them there at the wedding. And when someone cannot go, they are usually disappointed but do not dwell on it. Afterall, the bride and groom chose where to go, not everyone else.

For the bride and groom who feel it is really important to have certain friends and family there, they will do what they can to have it as close or centrally located as possible. It is about the union and celebrating with those they love.