N+1 is burning a hole in my pocket!

[zoom-zoom]

Yeah, there are two issues here. The bigger one is that your sister is not a raving lunatic, she's a manipulator. If she didn't have kids I'd say you'd probably be better off keeping your distance from her.

Yeah, that's pretty much spot-on. The only thing we really have in common is having boys of about the same age. We live about 8 hours apart. Even if we lived closer we'd likely not socialize much.

It's only in the last couple of years that my folks have admitted that they enabled her behavior for many years. There was a period of at least a year when I didn't talk to anyone in my family, aside from my brother. I went to visit my mom and sister for my sister's first Mother's day. It was a nightmare and I ended up driving home on Mother's Day, after spending a night in a hotel with my toddler son. When I arrived at my sister's home it was in shambles (beds totally unmade, stuff all over the floor, no childproofing done, no food in the house after I drove all that way with little kid who needed to eat). My sister was completely obnoxious when we were out with our boys...saying to people "my baby's cuter, isn't he?" Totally awkward. Her little guy was crying several times in the night and I was the one who got up to care for him the first night. Her excuse was that she thought it was my son crying (seriously, my son was 14 months and hers was 7 months--their cries sounded NOTHING alike).

After all of that my mom blamed me...saying that I was too inflexible. Hence the not talking to my 'rents or sister for so long. My sister got knocked-up with baby #2 while living under my parents' roof. They financially supported her and the boys for a couple of years and blew a lot of what little retirement savings they had. And then my mom lost her job a year ago.

She's matured a LOT since then, but compared to most women in their early 30s she still behaves like a petulant child. I'm really thankful that a Great Lake separates us. I'm still hoping that she will change her wedding plans between now and Dec.

[Crankin]

Your sister needs to see a mental health professional.
Seriously, this is a pattern, diagnosable.
I would be very worried about her kids.

[zoom-zoom]

Your sister needs to see a mental health professional.
Seriously, this is a pattern, diagnosable.
I would be very worried about her kids.

She's a surprisingly good mom, all things considered. Her youngest's autism diagnosis was a blessing in disguise--she had to suddenly start behaving herself when it became clear that he was struggling. She met her fiance around the same time and he's a very good guy (we joke that he's a "lite" version of my DH). It's the rest of her family who ends up receiving the brunt of her bad behavior.

[redrhodie]

How did your parents manage to get out of going, and can't you do that, too? What are you afraid she will do if you don't go? Are those fears rational? She sounds like a selfish bully.

[zoom-zoom]

How did your parents manage to get out of going, and can't you do that, too? What are you afraid she will do if you don't go? Are those fears rational? She sounds like a selfish bully.

Because my folks are really broke-down poor (as is my sister's BFF, who is also not going to be in the wedding due to finances and having an infant at home). They have 1 ancient, falling apart Dodge Neon, don't own a home, barely have a pot to pee in, next-to-no retirement savings. Relative to most of my family (except my brother) we're very comfortable. But money for us is still semi-tight. We spend any "extra" cash on nice bikes, rather than taking family vacations. I'm sure my sister views us as well-off, but we just spend our money differently. Our mortgage is dirt-cheap ('cause we live in a dumb old house, rather than having gotten sucked into more house than we could afford when that was a popular thing to do), but we still live on one income, thanks to MI's especially crummy economy and my unwillingness to spend 2+ hours in my car commuting to make peanuts. We make ends meet and have a little leftover for fun, but that's it.

As far as what I fear she will do...I don't know. She has proven in the past that she will lie to paint people in a bad light. She's on FB...lord only knows what she would do with that medium. I don't think people would believe anything she could come up with, nowadays, but who knows the lengths she would go to.

Mostly I fear that she'll make things ugly within our family and will keep me from seeing my nephews, which would break my heart. I don't get to see them nearly enough because of distance, as is. Her eldest son and my son are very close and her boys are the only cousins my son has.

[Veronica]

I think you should get the bike - not for your sake, but for your son's. The two of you could create so many great memories. I think that's more important than making your idiot sister happy. She just sounds so incredibly selfish - a destination wedding that no one in the family can comfortably afford, just so she can stay drunk for days on end... words fail me.

Veronica

[zoom-zoom]

I think you should get the bike - not for your sake, but for your son's. The two of you could create so many great memories. I think that's more important than making your idiot sister happy. She just sounds so incredibly selfish - a destination wedding that no one in the family can comfortably afford, just so she can stay drunk for days on end... words fail me.

Veronica

Yeah, that's pretty much my thinking, too.

I think I need to talk this over with my mom. Even if money were no object for her or for us the whole thing makes me really uncomfortable. It's rather bridezilla-ish to plan a wedding that is a major inconvenience for everyone, but the couple. Especially when her sons will be 10 and 11.5 and won't get to see their mom and "dad" marry. At best it's weird.

[indysteel]

Why talk to your mom? Talk to your sister. You'r both adults--even if you think she doesn't necessarily behave like one. If you have an issue with her decision to hold a destination wedding, she's the person to talk to, and the only person to talk to. It's not your job to convince your parents that your sister's decision is a poor one. They're adults, too, and they can come to that conclusion on their own. If you decide not to go the wedding, obviously you'll have to tell your parents why, but don't use that as an opportunity to bash your sister's decision. I just get the sense that there's some triangulation in your family dynamic based on what you've shared, and it's arguably not particularly healthy.

[redrhodie]

I understand why you feel you need to go. You can look at this as a good thing, that you're supporting her, even though it's a sacrifice for you. Maybe it will even help your relationship. But, if you don't have a positive result in the end, that may make you even more resentful, and make things worse. If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

[zoom-zoom]

If only you had hindsight, because this could go either way.

Exactly. And Indy's right, I need to talk to her. I have a feeling that if my brother doesn't go and I do that it will not be fun. If my brother and his GF go, then it's foreseeable that the 3 of us would find things to do that don't involve spending a ton of money on booze. If they don't go, then it's me hanging with my sister, her husband, and her other drunken friends. My idea of a good time is not babysitting a bunch of drunks on the Vegas Strip.

[indysteel]

Have you considered the possiblity that she really doesn't want her family there? For all your angst, maybe this was a calculated move on her part. It doesn't sound like you have the happiest of clans. If she does want you there, then I would really give some careful thought to what it will say and mean to her if you don't go. If you truly can't afford it, that's one thing and it's a perfectly valid reason to skip it. But I'd try to look past your other reasons for not wanting to go to see what you might preserve and/or gain by going and what you might lose if you don't.

I am generally an anti-wedding person (I eloped) and I'm estranged from my own dysfunctional siblings, but even I can admit that sometimes you suck it up for the greater good when it comes to weddings and that they are legitimately something we should ideally celebrate with friends and family. It sounds like you do love your sister and her children and genuinely like her fiancee. I have to wonder whether you'll end up regretting it if you don't go (again, assuming you can afford it).