Foot surgery - lots of crutch-time

[GLC1968]

Excellent advice all! Thanks again!

So here is my update. On Friday, my knee scooter came. I put it together and it has been a HUGE help at home. Our house is fairly open (all one level except for the basement) so it is actually really, really good for getting around while holding things. My knee was beginning to ache some, but since I'll be on crutches at work during the week, I'll be fine (less scooter time). I'm not going to take the scooter to work since I mostly work from my desk anyway. Luckily, I'm also near the entrance and everything I need is pretty much within arms reach, so it's totally doable (much more so than at home).

We found a car on Saturday. It was a LONG day with a LOT of driving around but luckily, it was successful. I was losing hope at one point though - apparently cheap daily drivers are in hot demand! We bought a 93 honda civic with 170K miles on it (or something like that). It drives well, but it's not pretty. It's missing a lot of parts too, so I've been combing the internet for replacements of the important ones (like side view mirrors!). I don't doubt for a second that we'll be able to get our money back when we resell this car at the end of my crutch time.

I don't yet have a handicap permit, but I've got the forms filled out and I'll take care of that after my surgery on Thursday (or, I'll get my H to do it).

Showering is fine. I just bag my foot, use a shower stool (we already had one from years ago!) and luckily, our shower is big enough for me to get in there, but small enough that I'm in no danger of falling over really. If I was forced to use the shower in our master bath, I'd be in trouble (it's a tiny stall type shower, but it's out of commission right now anyway).

The biggest challenge right now is my marriage, actually. My husband is not handling this well and it's taking all of my mental energy to try and help him deal so that we don't end up divorced before this is all over with. It's only been a little over a week, I am worried we won't make it 2 - 3 months!

[GLC1968]

Yeah, it's really strange. I mean, I'm working very hard to be as independent as possible but I don't think it's helping. I mean, I did all my laundry, half of his, washed and changed the sheets and towels, cooked a couple of meals and have been taking care of the indoor animals.

I get it that all the outdoor animal care has fallen to him and that sucks. And I'm not cooking as much as I was but it's hard work doing it on one foot! I know he's also disappointed that we've had to cancel a bunch of planned events for this summer so I'm hoping it's just kind of the initial shock that he's adjusting to.

Honestly, I think a part of it is that he got a little too excited about the fact that I had to cancel my tri season and I think he thought that meant a lot more fun for both of us...forgetting the reason I'm not doing any races.

Luckily, everyone at work has been really, really great. I don't think it would be the same if I still worked upstairs as an engineer...but down here in HR, everyone has been awesome about it (and very helpful). I'm actually the third person in the past 9 months in this group to be on crutches for a foot injury, so I think they are kind of used to it!

[Crankin]

What do you think your DH is mad about?
A couple of years ago, the male half of our cycling friends broke his hip in an early season crash. It was a very long recovery and he spent a lot of weeks working from home after he went off of medical leave. My friend (his wife) was extremely annoyed and complained the whole time, how "hard" it was. Basically, he does everything around the house and she was pissed she had to do things like go to the dump and do laundry for both of them. She's kind of rigid in how she likes things and a perfectionist, so the fact that she had more work pushed her over the edge.
I bet the change in routine and increased load is what's bugging your DH.

[GLC1968]

I bet the change in routine and increased load is what's bugging your DH.

I'm sure. But I'm also dealing with this change and I'm also the one in pain, so it doesn't seem fair that he's the one with the attitude.

I'm really trying to be understanding, but it's frankly exhausting.

I talked to my mom about it briefly because there were two periods in her life where she was fairly helpless (more so that I am now) and my dad had to take up the slack while also being the sole breadwinner. I'm thinking about asking my dad (who is incredibly tactful) to give my husband a call. Maybe they could commiserate a bit? I don't know. My husband is not very good at opening up to people either...though, if anyone could get him talking, I bet my dad could.

[tulip]

Sheesh, sorry to hear about your foot, GLC. Now about your H (I noticed you didn't write "D" in front...). What's this about him being all pissy? This is when marriages get tested--when things get hard. YOU should not have to figure out a way to not make him mad--you are dealing with enough as it is. Have you talked to him about why he's feeling put out? Maybe just giving him the chance to have someone listen to him would help. I like your idea of your dad giving him a call just to "see how things are going."

If he truly cannot handle your being on crutches and picking up the slack, then there are ways to deal with that. Hiring someone to help with the animals or the house is one. You say there's no one because you live in the country, but I would bet there is someone who would be grateful to earn some extra money. If your H cannot cook (or refuses to), you might have to bring someone in to cook for you for a while. I have a friend who does not like to cook at all, and she hires someone to cook for her once a week and put all the meals in ready-made in the freezer for her. It's very convenient (she has a super high-powered job and works all the time) and she gets healthy homemade meals. I bet a caterer would do that, and it would be delicious and very convenient.

It sounds to me like you are already doing a whole lot in the house. Maybe he's resentful because you are being so independent and not letting him take care of you. If that's the case, lighten up and let him do things for you. It's okay. Of course, that might not be the case at all.

Once you have surgery, you will be out of it for at least a few days. Have you talked to him about that? I mean, really out of it, and you NEED to rest, you can't be doing laundry and stuff.

Best wishes for a speedy recovery and figuring out what's going on with the H.

[GLC1968]

Thanks, tulip...some good advice there!

Just to clarify, I only call him my H because for some reason, the abbreviation 'DH' has always annoyed me. It has nothing to do with this situation! He is still my 'D'ear.

[Wahine]

A significant injury like this is hard for everyone to adjust to. You're right, it is a far greater inconvenience for you and you're the one having to deal with the pain.

Take the following with a big grain of salt. I am not a counselor, psychologist or otherwise. I'm just a PT who's done this job for 17 years.

I often see interesting relationship dynamics come out when a partner is injured. Often, the uninjured partner is scared, they feel helpless, there are a lot of unknowns for them too. So while you are the one dealing with the injury, you are also the one who has control in a sense. You're the one that knows how much pain you're in, you're the one that can make decisions about what will work for you, when to take meds etc. He has no control right now and he probably wants to help but doesn't know how. This is often worse when the injured partner is very independent and/or stoic.

So my advice is to give him a lot of verbal feedback about how you are feeling, about what's going on and how he can help. Even with little things, like getting you a glass of water once in a while. If you are trying to figure something out, bring him in on the problem solving, he may not have any good suggestions but it will help him feel more in control. I don't mean that in a bad way, like he is "controlling". I mean it in the way that none of us are comfortable with feeling like we have no control over life, and gaining some of that back makes one feel less helpless.

Finally, know that as the new routine becomes familiar and the basic survival part of his brain realizes that things are going to be alright, it will get better. I know that you are having a very hard time right now, he knows it too and it probably scares him that his independent wife has suddenly been thrown for a loop.

[jessmarimba]

Sorry to hear about your injury! I have no advice that anyone else hasn't already given. My time on crutches was awhile ago and I was on tour at the time, so nothing would really apply anyway. I will say that I had the most beautiful abs by the time I could start walking again! Good luck with everything.

[GLC1968]

Crankin for the win! (Wahine hit it pretty close, too).

For the past two days, my H has been MUCH better. What he does hasn't changed all that much, but his attitude has. I asked him last night why the change of heart and he came clean about how he was feeling before.

He said he felt resentful that he had to do everything even though I was here (he's used to doing everything when I travel). He felt it wasn't fair and being perfectly honest with me, he said it irritated him. In addition, he doesn't like weakness and it really threw him for a loop to see me 'needy'. Upon reflection, it makes sense. He doesn't handle it well when I am sick, either. Luckily, that doesn't happen much!

He said he had a 'talk' with himself. He realized he was just being selfish and that this 1) wasn't on purpose!, 2) wasn't the end of the world and 3) is only temporary. Things around here are so much improved with is new attitude. It's a big relief for me too because I have zero idea how I'm going to react to the surgery and recovery. At least now I know that I don't have to worry about him too.