how to deal with a gossip

[shootingstar]

would the building supervisor/condo board know about this?

Just make sure you have informed another party and somehow this is documented somewhere.

Just in case, something blows up bigger with his distorted truths.

[salsabike]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

[PamNY]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

I agree completely!

However, if you want to intimidate him, you might ask him to discuss the issue and take copious notes as you talk. The power of a small notebook and pen is remarkable in situations like this. Be super polite and thank him for sharing his opinions. At the very least, it would change the dynamic.

[Wahine]

Smile at him all the time and give him nothing to work with. It drives people like that nuts when you do that, and it's the only thing that halfway works.

Agreed. I once had a terrible rumour started about me in my work environment by a woman who not 2 weeks later was having a baby shower, which I was expected to attend. I was upset and didn't want to go to the shower, definitely didn't want to give her a gift. My husband at the time had great advice. He said, "The best revenge is living well". So I dressed to the nines, drove the fancy red convertible to the shower, gave her a huge hug and nice gift, smiling and gracious the entire time. It completely difused the situation. My co-workers saw my behaviour and for whatever reason that made them choose not to buy into the rumour. They blew her off.

So I agree. Give him nothing, smile sweetly and say polite things. It will drive him nuts.

[Melalvai]

My career coach / mentor keeps telling me to cultivate a spirit of curiosity, when I'm annoyed or troubled or angry or upset about someone's behavior. She says that the person's behavior, to them, is perfectly reasonable, rational, and right, that people (except in rare circumstances) do not intentionally do things that they believe are evil.

It is usually possible to avoid or diffuse a situation without ever understanding why the person acts that way, and probably easier (in the short term). But it is more rewarding (she claims) to learn about the person's motivations. Among other things, we come to understand that it was never about us, it was always about them. It wasn't personal.

To get to that information you have to put aside any judgments, preconceptions, and stories you have created about the person and his actions. For example the notion that gossip is bad and harmful. (Maybe it is but put that aside.) Or that he has malicious intentions.

I'm definitely not perfect at this but I'm really coming around to her way of looking at things.

[indysteel]

My career coach / mentor keeps telling me to cultivate a spirit of curiosity, when I'm annoyed or troubled or angry or upset about someone's behavior. She says that the person's behavior, to them, is perfectly reasonable, rational, and right, that people (except in rare circumstances) do not intentionally do things that they believe are evil.

It is usually possible to avoid or diffuse a situation without ever understanding why the person acts that way, and probably easier (in the short term). But it is more rewarding (she claims) to learn about the person's motivations. Among other things, we come to understand that it was never about us, it was always about them. It wasn't personal.

To get to that information you have to put aside any judgments, preconceptions, and stories you have created about the person and his actions. For example the notion that gossip is bad and harmful. (Maybe it is but put that aside.) Or that he has malicious intentions.

I'm definitely not perfect at this but I'm really coming around to her way of looking at things.

That's interesting. It would take a lot of work for me to come around to that way of thinking. IMO, along the spectrum between purely innocent behavior and evil behavior, I think there's a lot in the middle that falls under the label of "dysfunctional." I don't know that that type of behavior can be met--at least in a lot of instances--merely with open-minded non-judgmental curiosity, in part because a lot of people who engage in dysfunctional behavior (like malicious gossiping) don't even understand why they do it, appreciate the impact it has on other people or have either the ability or desire to change. In my own dealings with such behaviors, I'm often more inclined to draw whatever boundaries I need to draw to protect myself than to try to learn and understand the other person's motivations.

[Wahine]

I used to get frustrated and angry with people often. Then with a lot of self awreness and dicipline, I employed some techniques that are very much what Melalvai describes and it does help to diffuse my own negative reations. I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

At the same time I agree very much with Indysteel and I tend to work with a lot of boundries as well. It's just not worth exposing yourself to someone's dysfunction much of the time.

[indysteel]

I don't engage people directly and ask them about their motivations, but I do try to remind myself that their behaviour is a result of their issues and has nothing to do with me. I also remind myself that my reaction is all about my issues and has nothing to do with them.

Yes, I suppose that's how I tend to approach it, too. I've gotten a lot better in recent years at understanding that someone's behavior doesn't necessarily have anything to with me. I've also gotten better at not assuming that someone's seemingly hurtful behavior was necessarily intentional either. I try (although it's a struggle) not to always assume the worst.

I think your last point is important as well.

All that said, I think certain people and their behaviors do sometimes need to be dealt with affirmatively. Whether Badger's gossip monger is among them; I don't know. I'm curious as to whether people really believe what this guy says or whether they just let it go in one ear and out the other. That might influence how I dealt with him.