Issues making friends?

[GLC1968]

When I was single (I got married at 40), I had a lot of friends who were married. It was never a huge stumbling block to socializing with them. But, that said, a lot of my friends are older than me and either don't have kids or have grown children. I stopped having a ton in common with women my own age when they started having kids and I was still very much single. At that juncture, I started hanging out more with people who were a good 10 or more years older than me. I'm not sure there's any point to that story, but I would encourage anybody looking for friends to broaden your parameters (if you have any).

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

[shootingstar]

By sheer coincidence over 70% of my closest friends (who don't know each other) don't have children nor a partner in their life. And I've known these friends ..over 25 yrs. Some more than 30 yrs.

What has been sheer coincidence for these long time friends except for 1 person, I didn't meet any of them based a sport/fitness activity. However they each have found ways to pay attention to their diet and fitness over the years.

Another thing that is noticeable that there are people who are very tied to social media to stay in touch ...alot to their local friends, which hasn't been my style in friendship since high school where a person interacted nearly daily or weekly.

After that phase in life, it was seeing and talking to friends only every few months, but for several hrs. each time.
I have had invites / queries if I have Facebook, but I don't. And don't feel like it. Email with occasional photos is good enough for me.

[indysteel]

Yup, same experience for me too. The only difference in my case is that I ended up befriending a lot of people who were 10 years or so younger than me and then had to go through the whole thing again as they started getting married and having kids!

And for those non-parents in their 30's who are struggling with maintaining relationships with parent friends, don't completely let go. Even if they don't really have the time or inclination to hang out with you now, those kids will eventually grow up and the things you had in common when you were younger may very well be a good connection for you again. My husband and I are finding it easier to befriend couples close to our age now that many of their kids are in HS or college. Their social schedules are more free once again...

Oh, I would never let go of my friends with kids. I love them all and their kids. What changed though is that my other--mostly cycling--friends became the people that I saw most regularly. My married with kids friends became, really out of necessity on their end, people that I got together with maybe every six weeks. That's life.

As I suggested in another post, life waxes and wanes. I've found that it pays to be both understanding and flexible when it comes to how busy everyone is. For every friend who I gave the benefit of the doubt to when they got married and had kids, the favor was returned when I got married and moved 25 miles away. Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

[limewave]

Okay, I'll admit I didn't read all 3 pages of comments . . .

I'll just throw in that I too, do not have many if any close friends. 10 years ago I would have thought I was surrounded by close friends, BFF's, we would be friends FOREVER and into eternity! Ha. Become the center of a personal tragedy and you find out right-quick how good of friends you've really got.

I've tried being the "cruise director" as someone mentioned. I caught-on pretty fast that most people by now have all the friends they really want. I quit wasting my time.

But, I stayed active and fairly social--showing up to rides and trying new things and going mountain biking, running, etc. Some people started emerge repeatedly and I guess I would call them friends. We are starting to travel with two other families on occasion. We met through biking and discovered we all have kids about a similar age and we all like to bike (even the wives!!!!!). I had to chuckle one night around the campfire when one of the couples started talking about how they don't have friends. lol. We are perfect for each other. Friends . . . . and it has nearly taken a decade.

Sorry this is such a long post but this is a topic that I struggle with. I had always been surrounded by a "strong" group of female friends. To find myself suddenly very alone was quite a shock. My mom has an amazing support group of women that she has been friends with for 40 years. I just assumed I would have that same kind of community around me. I didn't realize how rare and precious a gift that is.

Anyway, I would say, just give it time. It's kind of like dating. You have to put yourself out there. Find groups and classes that are doing things you are interested in--you'll starting meeting people with common interests.

[Catrin]

Our hearts are all in the right place even when our calendars are booked.

Yes, this Perfectly said!

[zoom-zoom]

I should add that while I don't have a huge network of friends in my immediate community, I DO have a rather large and close-knit network of friends via my association with the JDRF ride team (most within an hour's drive) and an even bigger circle of friends whom I've met online--many IRL. I am as close to some of my online friends as I am the friends I see more often. And my BFF lives 90 minutes away, but it doesn't make us less close. She is also good friends with my one local friend. And my hubby is my male BFF...I get to hang out with him every day!

[Gypsy]

I'll just chime in and say that it's true what's been written here that it does get harder as you get older and you're not in a school-type setting where you can meet lots of people where you have something in common automatically.

I also work semi-alone, my coworkers are not around me, and I haven't made many "work" friends because they're all over the country, rather than local.

My friend who had a baby last year, also found herself with less friends than before because she transitioned into motherhood while the rest of her friends were not on that same path. I told her to focus on mother/baby stuff and see if she met other like-minded mothers.

I think it happens at every stage of our lives and a long time ago I also gave up the the idea that my college friends would be my BFFs forever. It didn't happen and I am always sorry that the friendships weren't strong enough for that to become true.

I finally have a group of friends I see regularly that are my closest friends here locally. My BFF lives overseas, so I don't get to see him that often, just a few times a year. I appreciate the friends that I have here and thankfully, they were also riding people and through them, I've met one new friend.

I've also met a friend through a Pilates class and we see each other as often as we can now (she's moved, but she comes back periodically).

I do think it's exactly like dating! And it does require just going out there and being open to meeting random people.

The girlfriends that ride with me now were friends of friends and the friend that brought us together just disappeared from our life, but we stayed friends anyway (that friend got married and only wanted new married friends, not single friends ).