Issues making friends?

[tulip]

Well, I'm not from Ohio! Just sayin'.

[shootingstar]

It didn't help that I relocated to another city over a yr. ago. Prior to that, it was still kinda tough..

I have some great close friends...but in a totally different province. Friendships over 25 yrs. long..

Ideally it would be nice to have a newer friend or 2 that wasn't a single shared interest friend, but more than that.

But that's probably not realistic as one gets older and moves around. I haven't volunteered for anything locally, I just go to occasional events at this time.
I am volunteering but it's remotely for some stuff happening elsewhere.... Long story.

Anyway..
For now, it's just having a lunch with someone from work occasionally (which believe me, for several workplaces I seldom buddied up with someone for lunch from work)....who coincidentally is one of several staff working on cycling matters. She also has a real passion for golf...which I can't totally relate at all.

Oh well.

[badger]

I think your issue isn't unique but rather prevalent as we get older. People do get pretty comfortable with the group they have and don't often venture out to make new friends.

I've tried to increase my circle of friends in the past year by joining a female-only snowboard camp which yielded one person I kept in touch with later. She invited me to join her book club and that opened doors to more people with similar interests. However, it's still difficult to have anything more than meeting them every 2-3 months to talk about books. Most of them are friends of friends so they know most everyone there so they'll talk of things or people I don't know. The original contact I made at the camp moved away to England and I've not heard from her since. It's REALLY hard to make good, lasting friendships.

So, like everyone else here, I know how you feel!!

[ehirsch83]

Thanks everyone! It really is a common issue,but not one I have had to deal with as much till now (I have never worked somewhere with me being the sole employee -which I feel just makes me feel more segregated) .
I am going to look for a book club and make sure to continue to pursue new friendships. Also make sure I keep in good touch with those I don't live near anymore.

[Owlie]

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college. Sometimes you have to be kind of pushy with people if you sense they are friend-worthy.

Please don't tell me this. It took me 2-3 years of college to make friends.

[indysteel]

Please don't tell me this. It took me 2-3 years of college to make friends.

Well, let's hope it'll be different for you. Obviously, there are a lot of variables. Out of curiosity, why did you find it so challenging to make friends in college? Is there anything you would/could have done differently that you can apply as you move forward in your life?

[Melalvai]

Gone are the days (at least at my age) that friendships form as organically as they did in school/college.

Yeah, I have observed that both for myself and for other people, it's just comparatively much harder to get to know people. Everyone gets families and doesn't have time for friends. I'm guilty of that.

Online friends like us can take up some of the slack, but a real friend in the hand is so much better than imaginary... Er, I mean virtual... something like that.

[macski]

Thanks everyone! It really is a common issue,but not one I have had to deal with as much till now (I have never worked somewhere with me being the sole employee -which I feel just makes me feel more segregated) .
I am going to look for a book club and make sure to continue to pursue new friendships. Also make sure I keep in good touch with those I don't live near anymore.

And don't be afraid to make it clear to someone you've met who you like and feel a connection with that you'd like to do something with them. A bit like GLC1968 and indysteel's examples earlier. It may feel weird and I have to confess that I'm not very good at it myself.

But several years ago someone I worked with did that to me. My husband at the time was away frequently for work and one time when he was going to be away this person at work, let's call her Kath, said to me 'If your husband is going to be away why don't I come over and we can have a girls night in?' She did and we've been friends ever since.

But I'm too shy to do that myself Or, more accurately, I have a strong fear of rejection - perhaps because when I was a child (an only child) I was slow to pick up the rules about making friends and perhaps was a bit of a try-hard with a few hard lessons from other kids.

[zoom-zoom]

We moved to our current area just after I got pregnant with my son. It took me over EIGHT years to meet a truly awesome friend in the area. Like me, she was a transplant. It's a small, insular community and most people who live here have lived here since birth...gone to school together, been pregnant together, etc. It was REALLY hard when DS was little to not have anyone to lean on or kids for him to play with. Even when he was in preschool the other moms were not open for a new friendship. They were mostly nice, but I never was able to move beyond acquaintance level with these people.

I had one other friend in the area years back, but she later moved.

Through my good local friend I have met another local friend, so that is nice. I still don't feel like one of the locals, but that's OK. Eventually we have plans to move 30-45 minutes South of our current location to be closer to DH's work and I have several friends down that way (when DS was little I started an online playgroup for moms in our county and found several friends via that venue).

Before moving here I'd never before had such a hard time making friends and it gave me a real understanding of what new kids faced moving to the small community that I grew up in. In many ways I think it would be easier to meet new people in a larger, more diverse community.

[shootingstar]

It occurred to me now that 1 of the long-time, closer friends who is in another province, she is a recreational (was commuter) and touring cyclist and in fact is highly knowledgeable about cycling infrastructure: it was part of her job.

And I met her through volunteer work in a women's cycling group, when we all worked with a few other women for a few years.

*****But the ironic thing is that she and I seldom have gone cycling together. We would simply meet each other up after work occasionally or whatever and talk about cycling (for less than an hr. or way less).....and other non-cycling things that we share common interests. I consider that a good thing: cycling + other stuff. So actually cycling together was /is never a basis at all for our friendship.

A good thing...if either of us are injured/can no longer cycle...we can still find much in common. A friendship to take many years ahead.

[NbyNW]

Some places are just very insular and hard to break into socially, like zoom-zoom described. I lived in a place like that for a while -- it had its long-time residents and it had its transients. I guess I was in the transient camp because I was new, and while I tried to socialize in both camps, it seemed like only the transients were open to making friends. Nothing wrong with that, until the friend you made last month is moving on to another location.

In contrast there are places that are constantly absorbing new people from all over the place, and they tend to feel more welcoming and it's just easier to meet people through a variety of venues and activities.

As long as you feel like you have a good reason to be where you are, it's worth being persistent. You might find friends in the most surprising situations.

[Catrin]

I've dealt with this same thing since moving to Indiana. I've made some cycling friends, and friends at my gym but outside of a few exceptions that really hasn't gone beyond the activities. When I have made closer friends here they have moved away.

For me I think much of it is my age, my somewhat eccentric personality, and almost everyone I know is married, and most of those have children. They are very busy and when married couples socialize it is typically with other married couples, not single women. Also, outside of my cycling friends, pretty much everyone I know is quite sedentary,it is rare that I meet someone who shares my interests and I get pretty excited when I meet someone who does!

While I do have friends here, there really isn't anyone locally I would call truly a close/best friend, and I've been here a full decade. I like the idea that IndySteel and GLC1968 mentioned, I tend to over-think things and allow such opportunities to pass. I need to stop that

[Crankin]

I never regret moving back to the state of my birth, but even though I have 3-4 close friends now, I never developed the same feeling I had with my friends in AZ. My kids were 5 and 7 when i moved here and in school; we lived in a town where I had nothing in common with the others, so I tried making friends through my synagogue and work. That mostly worked. I did a ton of volunteer work at the synagogue and a little at my kid's school, at least as much I could do as a working mom.
The close friends I have now developed over a 20 year period. We met our cycling friends (a couple) that we are the closest with because we took a risk, joined AMC, and signed up for one of her rides. It turned out that we had seen them for years at the health club, and lived within 5 miles of each other. It was just luck that our kids were grown and out of the house and they had no kids.
I have a ton of acquaintances, some of which have been friends for a while. And while I love my cycling group, they have been together for years and no one has reached out past the doing the regular group thing with me. I am happy to say that I met Hirakukibou through TE and we are both riding buddies and friends!

[ClockworkOrange]

Hi Emily

Have been in a similar situation over the years when moving but a lot of good advice on here, at least there are always friends on TE.

Just before I read your thread, I noticed this by shootingstar:

Friendship/good times: celebrate Chinese New Year's

In the spirit of friendship and building them:

Happy New Year of the Dragon for 2012! It's been on for past few days world-wide..

Invite a friend or 2 along and just go to a restaurant to eat, talk and know each other better.

It was suggested to me yesterday...so we're going later this week..for um a bigger lunch. Oh well, it's been ages since I've eaten at a Chinese restaurant...

Maybe you could grab a couple of people you know, in the hopes of all getting to know each other better?

Good luck, it will all happen in good time.

[fetchspot]

I too, find myself moving quite a bit lately and not being able to make friends. Two thoughts. Another thread on TE is on the myers-briggs personality test. I am always surprised I am in the minority introvert group. For me it helps to know I am not the only one going thru this.

Second I hate to say I do the Scarlet OHara thing--I'll think about this later. I know my location is not something permanent so I do the best I can for the moment. I tell myself live with and enjoy what you have. I enjoy exploring opportunities and activities local to each particular area. If I have to do it solo, I do.

I like the suggestion of acting on offers and also being the initiator. Currently my job takes most of my time and I have little for anything else.

Fs