Dear So and So

[OakLeaf]

(((((snap)))))

[alexis_the_tiny]

(((Snap)))

Dear Uncle, that remark? Totally uncalled for. Thanks for helping me remember the one very compelling reason why I avoid family gatherings where you're present like the plague.

[spokewench]

(((Snap)))

Dear Uncle, that remark? Totally uncalled for. Thanks for helping me remember the one very compelling reason why I avoid family gatherings where you're present like the plague.

Sometimes the best thing is not to say anything in family situations, BUT, have you ever called your Uncle on his inappropriate remarks?

[Becky]

(((Alexis)))

When I'm in those situations (all too often with my family, it seems), I remember Marni's advice (on another thread here). She suggested asking the offender, "Now why would you say something like that?", and I think that it really does work without starting a major row.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Well, I've gone with the being quiet part. My mom will get all over me for being disrespectful to my uncle. I've been ignoring him for years at the yearly family gathering but it seems like the more I ignore him, the snarkier his remarks get. I think next year, I'll just go on vacation.

[spokewench]

Well, I've gone with the being quiet part. My mom will get all over me for being disrespectful to my uncle. I've been ignoring him for years at the yearly family gathering but it seems like the more I ignore him, the snarkier his remarks get. I think next year, I'll just go on vacation.

Do you really think your Mom will get all over you if you tell her, I will not attend functions with him if he continues his behavior so you either let me stand up for myself or I don't come to family functions. I don't think cutting off family contact on big occasions is probably the best thing; unless your family life is not great? I sound like your mother now, huh! Are you young Alexis, because at some time in our lives, we all build different relationships with our parents and family and become grown up (this happens at different times in our lives); maybe this is one of those times?

[indysteel]

Do you really think your Mom will get all over you if you tell her, I will not attend functions with him if he continues his behavior so you either let me stand up for myself or I don't come to family functions. I don't think cutting off family contact on big occasions is probably the best thing; unless your family life is not great? I sound like your mother now, huh! Are you young Alexis, because at some time in our lives, we all build different relationships with our parents and family and become grown up (this happens at different times in our lives); maybe this is one of those times?

Yes to this. You are an adult and, regardless of what your mother may think or say, you are entitled to draw whatever boundaries you need to draw to protect yourself. There are better and worse ways of communicating those boundaries and of dealing with whatever pushback you may get, but the right to draw the boundary in the first place is fundamentally yours. IMO, the sooner you learn to assert yourself, the happier and more functional your life will be.

I recommend books of the self-help variety somewhat sparingly, but one that I think is very good for just about every woman to read is the Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner. It will help you learn to calmly and consisently assert yourself with people who want to manipulate or control you.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Do you really think your Mom will get all over you if you tell her, I will not attend functions with him if he continues his behavior so you either let me stand up for myself or I don't come to family functions. I don't think cutting off family contact on big occasions is probably the best thing; unless your family life is not great? I sound like your mother now, huh! Are you young Alexis, because at some time in our lives, we all build different relationships with our parents and family and become grown up (this happens at different times in our lives); maybe this is one of those times?

It actually did happen once, a few years ago, when I told my mom I was unhappy with said uncle's wife saying something about my sister. I'm in my mid-20's now. My uncle knows I don't stand for religious, sexist or racist jokes. But he makes them in my hearing or directs some of them at me at the rare family functions when I do attend. In my very limited classroom experience, it seems almost like he's trying to get some kind of response or maybe get me into trouble with my mom again. He reminds me of some of the bad situations we talk about in social emotional skills classes I teach at school...