Dear So and So

[maillotpois]

Dear Veronica:

Thank you for caring - even when the parents don't.

Blueberry -

I love you, but I think this is a little harsh. I suspect the truth is not that the parents "don't care", but more that the parents are out of their league in dealing with this problem. Parenting can be monumentally tough and the decisions are never easy. Enforcement of rules can be heartbreaking, even if it is the right thing to do.

Moreover, Veronica probably has more experience dealing with children over her years as a teacher than many of these parents. But she doesn't have to go home with the kids. That puts her in a unique situation to observe the parents. She surely knows the right thing to do from her experience; however, it is ultimately the parents' job to make those choices. And often things are not completely black and white.

[Blueberry]

MP -

That's probably fair.

I'm not a parent, nor do intend to be one. I was just reading off of the "you don't really want to do what you need to do." I know enough to understand that these issues are not black and white, and quite often no one really agrees as to what is best. I'm sure it's frustrating for parents. I don't envy what it takes to be a good parent - I'm not willing to put in that kind of commitment (hence - no kids).

I just get really upset by the situations where the teachers seem to be the only ones who care and are working with the kids, and the parents expect the teachers to do it all without their having to lift a hand.

[Veronica]

Yeah, there is a lot more to the story - non English speaking parent, little insurance coverage, the boy is brilliant, but definitely coddled. It's their culture. He loves to read. I keep hoping he'll mature enough that he can cope, because he has so much potential.

Just drives me crazy that mom keeps asking for meetings to help him and I don't have anymore answers. And her crying makes me very sad. She loves him and wants him to succeed.

Yeah, I'd much rather be a teacher than a parent.

Veronica

[Pax]

Dear Honey,

I'm so so sorry that I don't want a dog as much as you do. I'm okay with you getting one but since I'm not thrilled about it... you're going to pass on getting the puppy. I really tried to manufacture the enthusiasm, I'm sorry I wasn't able to.

I love you so much and all I want is for you to be happy. This sucks.

Me

[Crankin]

Veronica, here you could file a neglect petition with DCF if a child was not being given his/her medication.
Does the mother have a reason for not medicating him? Often times, parents, especially those with cultural, educational, or other handicaps really don't understand anything about ADHD. Of course she is probably mourning the loss of her "ideal" child, but if she understands that ADHD is an illness and not a deficit, she might be able to see how medication can help him achieve his potential.
I have seen this issue from the point of view of a parent, teacher, and therapist. It always surprised me when parents refused to consider medication. It doesn't mean you are a failure or your kid is a loser. And, you still need to use all of the other organizational strategies to help the child. Both of my kids were similar to this kid. Brilliant, but with the short term memory of a gnat and one was extremely disorganized, the other impulsive. One took medication for 7 years, and then through sheer will and determination made it through HS as an honors student with no meds. The other one tried meds in HS and they made him agitated, so he stopped. He would have achieved much more at that point in his life, if he hadn't had the side effects; now there are a lot more choices.
I don't think anyone, parent or not, can really know how it feels to have ADHD. It's really limiting, causes a lot of marital distress and firings from work. About 30% of the incarcerated population in the US has it. People think it's over diagnosed, but it's more that years ago, not everyone made it to high school, and there were more options/careers for people who didn't succeed. academically. Life was different.
Don't be so quick to judge. Of course a child's treatment is always in the hands of the parent, but sometimes, a parent really does not have the right information to make the right decision.

[Biciclista]

I am really glad that my sons got through school before this era, when we could be threatened for bad parenting for not wanting to medicate them. My DH has ADHD so he DOES know what it's like to have it. However, both of our sons got through school without medication (only one was diagnosed before high school), both got their bachelor's and one is currently working on his PhD. I don't think drugs are the only answer. I'm not even implying that what we did was the best thing. but just because we don't want to medicate our kids doesn't mean we're bad parents.

[Veronica]

I think a big difference is the support you and your DH could give your sons. This mom really can't give her son support academically.

He is actually doing okay as a student. His math grades aren't as good as they use to be because math has gotten harder, more steps, more to remember... and he wants to read during the math lesson.

It's his distracting others that is my biggest concern and blurting out inappropriate comments. He's wonderfully, caring boy and a really neat kid - great sense of humor.

Anyway... thanks for listening. I appreciate the persepctive of parents who have been there.

Veronica