Strange situation need advice please.

[shootingstar]

I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.

And don't put a return address on the envelope. Right now, the problem is not even him. It's his ex-wife.

A few words from you may mean something....I mean who wants to die alone?

[channlluv]

I have really mixed emotions on this one, too, having lost my father to cancer two years ago. I had kind of a similar relationship, which is to say, not much of one, with my father. He abandoned my mother, two younger brothers, and me when I was four. Never paid child support, rarely took us for visitation, etc.

I'll skip the long story, but know that I can empathize with you. When I did go back to see him about a month before he actually passed, his wife (whom I adore) told me he'd told her I was the biggest regret of his life. Now, on the surface, this looks like he was saying he regretted never having had a real relationship with me. I'm the only one of his six acknowledged kids that didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. (When I graduated college, and moved back to my hometown, I did some searching and found out where he worked. I went there to surprise him -- I was 21 and he hadn't seen me since I was about ten or eleven. He didn't recognize me. I had to introduce myself.)

Anyway, biggest regret...because he never got to be a father to me, or because I was an "accident" and he was forced - literally, a shotgun wedding - to marry my mother and then had two more kids in short order. She was 21 years old with three kids under the age of four when they split. He was 24. And stupid. And he never got to finish college because he had to support his family and the pressure of being an adult drove him to drugs and other women, which nearly drove my mother to suicide....long story, as I said.

So biggest regret...that he didn't know me or that he didn't wear a condom?

That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday.

Much, much love to you. Can you take someone who loves you with you? Someone who can pull you out if it gets too painful?

Good luck with this decision.

Roxy

[goldfinch]

Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .

I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Good posts with lots of wisdom.

[salsabike]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by channlluv
I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Originally posted by Goldfinch
Good posts with lots of wisdom.


Yes. I think so too.