Strange situation need advice please.

[Melalvai]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

[Brandi]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

That is a very interesting story! Seriously! And about the medical stuff I do know some. He has been prone to skin cancer mainly because he was a surfer and a gardener. And since I am a sand sculpture I have taken to protecting myself out doors and see my derm Dr once a year. As far as the other things he has problems with I am not sure. And if I ask I am afraid it will open a cans of worms.