Strange situation need advice please.

[MomOnBike]

Brandi, it sounds to me like you are asking permission to stay away.


Permission granted.


The people in your life who love you and go out of their way to interact with you and show you their love are the ones you have an emotional debt to. Not the man who did his best to cut you out of his life. You owe him nothing.

[Giulianna23]

I am in a similar situation...I live 15 minutes from my Dads. I pass in front of his house every time I go to the Gym. He is about 71 y/o I think ....and he is Diabetic..I heard he is going blind and having a hard time with his health. I know one of my Nieces do the run around for him. I think she does it because now she have transportation provided from him so she can take him where ever he needs to go and she gets to keep the car to go to college and hang out with her friends. He is paying for insurance gas and everything. Anyway...everytime I pass I feel like stopping to talk to him and see how he is doing...but the way he always treated me and my brothers stops me from doing it. I forget about it for a couple of days and then I end up passing in front of his house again and think about stopping the car and knock at his door. He was a very mean person and I do not feel angry towards him..but sadness...and I am affraid he is still the same regardless of his age and health. I am affraid to go visit him and find out he hasn't change. It is a very hard decision to make. But whatever you do...do it because you want to do it. Because it comes from the bottom of your heart.


BTW...WE grew up without him..no child support nor nothing..We didn't met him until I was 25 years old. He couldn't even make up for all them years. We gave him the opportunity but he really did show he have no Heart ( dunno now though). He is all about money and material things. So bad that he never took care of us nor my mom...she raised us by herself while he was making all the money and living the good life. Cars, Harley Davidson, Vacations etc etc.

[Brandi]

You know I don't really think it is permission I am looking for (or maybe it is). Everyone has a story and from this thread I was right. I am looking for wisdom and experience. And so appreciate everyone's opinions, stories and wisdom.
In the back of my mind I think "am I a mean for not going to this man and giving him what he wants (or she wants) on his death bed"? And then reason comes in and says "You owe him NOTHING".
You could almost say one of my worst habits is feeling guilt and always saying sorry. But that comes from an abusive step dad that overreacted to everything I did I think.
Anyway hey I did finally get a bike ride in yesterday and it was wonderful! Hoping I get one in today as well.
I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.
It is funny but I feel a little like a little girl right now. Interesting.....

[redrhodie]

Brandi, your note sounds perfect. Short, simple, and honest. No one gets hurt.

[Melalvai]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

[Brandi]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

That is a very interesting story! Seriously! And about the medical stuff I do know some. He has been prone to skin cancer mainly because he was a surfer and a gardener. And since I am a sand sculpture I have taken to protecting myself out doors and see my derm Dr once a year. As far as the other things he has problems with I am not sure. And if I ask I am afraid it will open a cans of worms.

[shootingstar]

I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.

And don't put a return address on the envelope. Right now, the problem is not even him. It's his ex-wife.

A few words from you may mean something....I mean who wants to die alone?

[channlluv]

I have really mixed emotions on this one, too, having lost my father to cancer two years ago. I had kind of a similar relationship, which is to say, not much of one, with my father. He abandoned my mother, two younger brothers, and me when I was four. Never paid child support, rarely took us for visitation, etc.

I'll skip the long story, but know that I can empathize with you. When I did go back to see him about a month before he actually passed, his wife (whom I adore) told me he'd told her I was the biggest regret of his life. Now, on the surface, this looks like he was saying he regretted never having had a real relationship with me. I'm the only one of his six acknowledged kids that didn't spend a lot of time with him growing up. (When I graduated college, and moved back to my hometown, I did some searching and found out where he worked. I went there to surprise him -- I was 21 and he hadn't seen me since I was about ten or eleven. He didn't recognize me. I had to introduce myself.)

Anyway, biggest regret...because he never got to be a father to me, or because I was an "accident" and he was forced - literally, a shotgun wedding - to marry my mother and then had two more kids in short order. She was 21 years old with three kids under the age of four when they split. He was 24. And stupid. And he never got to finish college because he had to support his family and the pressure of being an adult drove him to drugs and other women, which nearly drove my mother to suicide....long story, as I said.

So biggest regret...that he didn't know me or that he didn't wear a condom?

That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday.

Much, much love to you. Can you take someone who loves you with you? Someone who can pull you out if it gets too painful?

Good luck with this decision.

Roxy

[goldfinch]

Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .

I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Good posts with lots of wisdom.

[salsabike]

Quote:
Originally Posted by Melalvai
Brandi,

. . . What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.). . .
Quote:
Originally Posted by channlluv
I
. . . That being said, I do NOT regret going when he was dying. We didn't really talk about any deep emotional things. I got to see him. He got to see me. We got some quiet time together, but he never told ME that he regretted not knowing me. He told his wife that I was the biggest regret of his life. She told me.

What I'm trying to add to the conversation about your situation, and granted, I only know what I've read here, is that I don't think you'll ever regret going. It may not be pleasant, but I don't think you'll regret going. You may, however, regret not going someday. . .



Roxy

Originally posted by Goldfinch
Good posts with lots of wisdom.


Yes. I think so too.