Strange situation need advice please.

[Irulan]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

[Veronica]

I had no relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 6 and he moved out of state to avoid paying child support for the 4 of his 7 kids still under 18. My siblings - all older - idolize my father and I don't know why. Even the ones for whom he refused to pay child support. He moved back to Maine after I graduated high school and was no longer a financial burden to him. They always refer to him as "Daddy..." with this totally reverent tone. He passed away twenty years ago and they still talk about him that way. I've always wondered why. What did I miss out on?

I do wish he had lived long enough so that I could form my own opinion about him as an adult. I've never been satisfied with their stories about.

You have to decide what will be best for you, not for your dad, nor for the ex step mom (that's just weird!) But for you.

Veronica

[salsabike]

I think first you need to get some rest for a couple of days.

Then do what your gut tells you to do.

I think this is right on. Other people's opinions and experiences are worth reading and make you think about your own, but they AREN'T the equivalent of your own. You need to get enough quiet around you to listen, really listen, to your heart. That's what will give you the advice that works for you.

[Catrin]

...You need to get enough quiet around you to listen, really listen, to your heart. That's what will give you the advice that works for you.

Yes, this.

[Brandi]

I of coarse can only really think of this right now. I listened to the message she left on our machine. And just got more mad. She mentioned that my dad did everything he was supposed to do for me while I was growing up. Whaaaaaa? Um ok. He stopped paying child support when I was 9 after his mom passed away and took $5,000.00 that was supposed to go to me from my grandmother after she died. Even though he says there was no money. A lawyer my mom had, found this paper work and found the money was given to him because he was the executor. I could go on but this made me even more angry that she said this when it is not true. Like she was trying to make me feel bad.
And then she said he really wants to see me. So why is he not calling? I just want to wash my hands of this. I honestly don't think I would have regret years down the line from this. Mainly because I don't know him. And my wanting to know him was just when I was growing up. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life I don't feel a loss or a void. Ugh!

I do feel more rested today. But need more for sure. It was so wonderful waking up to my kitties surrounding me this morning. All purring and so happy!
I really appreciate everyone's opinion. I really do. ((((hugs))))

[Velocivixen]

Mr. Sperm donor, who said you were the worst thing that ever happened to him, hasn't wanted you. So what makes you think it's changed now? Don't go. Relax yourself.

[ACG]

I have to chime in here.

First: A lot of hugs, lots and lots of them.
Two: You are doing the right thing, venting to us, putting it in writing. You are being intelligent, thinking this thru, not reacting quickly.
Three: Whatever you do it will be the best thing for you. Don't look back. Just go forward.

[ny biker]

I of coarse can only really think of this right now. I listened to the message she left on our machine. And just got more mad. She mentioned that my dad did everything he was supposed to do for me while I was growing up. Whaaaaaa? Um ok. He stopped paying child support when I was 9 after his mom passed away and took $5,000.00 that was supposed to go to me from my grandmother after she died. Even though he says there was no money. A lawyer my mom had, found this paper work and found the money was given to him because he was the executor. I could go on but this made me even more angry that she said this when it is not true. Like she was trying to make me feel bad.
And then she said he really wants to see me. So why is he not calling? I just want to wash my hands of this. I honestly don't think I would have regret years down the line from this. Mainly because I don't know him. And my wanting to know him was just when I was growing up. Now I have so many wonderful people in my life I don't feel a loss or a void. Ugh!

I do feel more rested today. But need more for sure. It was so wonderful waking up to my kitties surrounding me this morning. All purring and so happy!
I really appreciate everyone's opinion. I really do. ((((hugs))))

Okay, some possibilities.

- Her understanding of his behavior as your father is probably incomplete and colored by whatever he has told her.

- Regardless of the divorce, they obviously still have some kind of relationship, so she's probably afraid/sad/overwhelmed etc about losing him. She might want a sense she's not alone in her grief by having you involved.

These are not reasons for you to go visit, just possible reasons for why she's calling you.

If you don't want to go, you can tell her that you feel you've given him plenty of chances and you simply don't see the point of going through it again because you've moved on. Or something like that. I would write something down that's simple and to the point so you're prepared to talk to her. If she starts whining or won't take no for an answer, you can just say you're sorry but your decision is final and you won't discuss it further.

Good luck. It sucks having to deal with this, but it will be behind you soon enough.

[Selkie]

Brandi -- Lots of advice here (I agree with Crankin's---she is a smart, wise lady). That said, you have to do what's right for you.

You are a wonderful person, as is evident in your posts here. You have a very generous heart and you deserve only the best. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing. Sending you lots of good karma.

[grey]

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

My husband and his brother had the same experience at their dad's funeral. All these people saying how wonderful he was, dh was wondering if they were all talking about the same guy. His dad was horrible to him, he also tried so hard to have a relationship with his dad and was always kicked for it. In some ways, he's still mad at him, 10 years after his death. We didn't invite him to our wedding, smart choice after what he did at my brother in law's wedding.

Long story made short, when dh was 8 his dad decided to run off with blonde bimbo secretary. Had another son. Dh put himself through college working in the tennis pro shop at a nearby resort. His dad showed up with his boy for a tennis tournament and ignored my husband's presence at the same tourney!

Dh decided years ago not to put up with lying, abuse, or anyone trying to crap on him ever again. Sometimes he draws that line in the sand too quickly, but the man was an *** who didn't want a relationship with his older sons.

Don't go if you don't want to. Personally I think it would be self defeating and self inflicted torture to go. Who needs that? Be with people who love and respect you.

[spindizzy]

This post tugs at my heart.

My father died earlier this year. He had an abysmal upbringing. He was left by his biological mother with father and 1st stepmother. They divorced and nice stepmother was replaced by a wicked, evil, body-beating stepmother. His father was weak and did not stand up for him. To make matters worse, my father did not know who his biological mother was until he was in his 20's. To his credit, he accepted her in his life.

My brother and sisters were all able to see my dad before he died. I admittedly, had the best relationship with him. My siblings share your ambivalence. As we have many times, we recounted all of the stories of our own childhood: the good times, the separation (x2), the divorce, siblings changing parents in different provinces. Parents fighting over kids. Depression, alcoholism and other substance addictions are ever present in our family tree.

My siblings question their feelings about their relationship with our dad, still. I believe my father was a lonely person (only child), who was looking for a family. His relationship with each of us was different. And coloured by his own upbringing. I'll never forget his vehemence toward his 2nd stepmother. He had Lewy-body dementia and was in hospital before we were able to place him in a veteran's home. He begged us to get him out of the hospital. He took me aside one day and said "Get me out of here! I hate this place! I hate this place as much as I hate Ada!" (stepmother #2) This hatred, that he was never able to let go of, permeated his whole life.

So I counsel my siblings to let go, to understand that we are all imperfect and some of us have the strength to rise above our shortcomings. We all have different expectations and perceptions of our relationship with others. I don't want them to wallow in a place of sadness. I'm sure my dad tried but the lack of love and acceptance in his childhood had him searching his whole life. It makes me weep still. Then I extrapolate that to all of the children in this world who are in homes with violence - no love. And I wonder what their lives will be like.

Enough of the thread-jack...

I support the wisdom shared in this thread. You will do what is right for you. You have to find your place of peace. What you can live with. No regrets.

Hugs.

[MomOnBike]

Brandi, it sounds to me like you are asking permission to stay away.


Permission granted.


The people in your life who love you and go out of their way to interact with you and show you their love are the ones you have an emotional debt to. Not the man who did his best to cut you out of his life. You owe him nothing.

[Giulianna23]

I am in a similar situation...I live 15 minutes from my Dads. I pass in front of his house every time I go to the Gym. He is about 71 y/o I think ....and he is Diabetic..I heard he is going blind and having a hard time with his health. I know one of my Nieces do the run around for him. I think she does it because now she have transportation provided from him so she can take him where ever he needs to go and she gets to keep the car to go to college and hang out with her friends. He is paying for insurance gas and everything. Anyway...everytime I pass I feel like stopping to talk to him and see how he is doing...but the way he always treated me and my brothers stops me from doing it. I forget about it for a couple of days and then I end up passing in front of his house again and think about stopping the car and knock at his door. He was a very mean person and I do not feel angry towards him..but sadness...and I am affraid he is still the same regardless of his age and health. I am affraid to go visit him and find out he hasn't change. It is a very hard decision to make. But whatever you do...do it because you want to do it. Because it comes from the bottom of your heart.


BTW...WE grew up without him..no child support nor nothing..We didn't met him until I was 25 years old. He couldn't even make up for all them years. We gave him the opportunity but he really did show he have no Heart ( dunno now though). He is all about money and material things. So bad that he never took care of us nor my mom...she raised us by herself while he was making all the money and living the good life. Cars, Harley Davidson, Vacations etc etc.

[Brandi]

You know I don't really think it is permission I am looking for (or maybe it is). Everyone has a story and from this thread I was right. I am looking for wisdom and experience. And so appreciate everyone's opinions, stories and wisdom.
In the back of my mind I think "am I a mean for not going to this man and giving him what he wants (or she wants) on his death bed"? And then reason comes in and says "You owe him NOTHING".
You could almost say one of my worst habits is feeling guilt and always saying sorry. But that comes from an abusive step dad that overreacted to everything I did I think.
Anyway hey I did finally get a bike ride in yesterday and it was wonderful! Hoping I get one in today as well.
I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.
It is funny but I feel a little like a little girl right now. Interesting.....

[redrhodie]

Brandi, your note sounds perfect. Short, simple, and honest. No one gets hurt.