Strange situation need advice please.

[Irulan]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

[Veronica]

I had no relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 6 and he moved out of state to avoid paying child support for the 4 of his 7 kids still under 18. My siblings - all older - idolize my father and I don't know why. Even the ones for whom he refused to pay child support. He moved back to Maine after I graduated high school and was no longer a financial burden to him. They always refer to him as "Daddy..." with this totally reverent tone. He passed away twenty years ago and they still talk about him that way. I've always wondered why. What did I miss out on?

I do wish he had lived long enough so that I could form my own opinion about him as an adult. I've never been satisfied with their stories about.

You have to decide what will be best for you, not for your dad, nor for the ex step mom (that's just weird!) But for you.

Veronica

[grey]

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

My husband and his brother had the same experience at their dad's funeral. All these people saying how wonderful he was, dh was wondering if they were all talking about the same guy. His dad was horrible to him, he also tried so hard to have a relationship with his dad and was always kicked for it. In some ways, he's still mad at him, 10 years after his death. We didn't invite him to our wedding, smart choice after what he did at my brother in law's wedding.

Long story made short, when dh was 8 his dad decided to run off with blonde bimbo secretary. Had another son. Dh put himself through college working in the tennis pro shop at a nearby resort. His dad showed up with his boy for a tennis tournament and ignored my husband's presence at the same tourney!

Dh decided years ago not to put up with lying, abuse, or anyone trying to crap on him ever again. Sometimes he draws that line in the sand too quickly, but the man was an *** who didn't want a relationship with his older sons.

Don't go if you don't want to. Personally I think it would be self defeating and self inflicted torture to go. Who needs that? Be with people who love and respect you.

[spindizzy]

This post tugs at my heart.

My father died earlier this year. He had an abysmal upbringing. He was left by his biological mother with father and 1st stepmother. They divorced and nice stepmother was replaced by a wicked, evil, body-beating stepmother. His father was weak and did not stand up for him. To make matters worse, my father did not know who his biological mother was until he was in his 20's. To his credit, he accepted her in his life.

My brother and sisters were all able to see my dad before he died. I admittedly, had the best relationship with him. My siblings share your ambivalence. As we have many times, we recounted all of the stories of our own childhood: the good times, the separation (x2), the divorce, siblings changing parents in different provinces. Parents fighting over kids. Depression, alcoholism and other substance addictions are ever present in our family tree.

My siblings question their feelings about their relationship with our dad, still. I believe my father was a lonely person (only child), who was looking for a family. His relationship with each of us was different. And coloured by his own upbringing. I'll never forget his vehemence toward his 2nd stepmother. He had Lewy-body dementia and was in hospital before we were able to place him in a veteran's home. He begged us to get him out of the hospital. He took me aside one day and said "Get me out of here! I hate this place! I hate this place as much as I hate Ada!" (stepmother #2) This hatred, that he was never able to let go of, permeated his whole life.

So I counsel my siblings to let go, to understand that we are all imperfect and some of us have the strength to rise above our shortcomings. We all have different expectations and perceptions of our relationship with others. I don't want them to wallow in a place of sadness. I'm sure my dad tried but the lack of love and acceptance in his childhood had him searching his whole life. It makes me weep still. Then I extrapolate that to all of the children in this world who are in homes with violence - no love. And I wonder what their lives will be like.

Enough of the thread-jack...

I support the wisdom shared in this thread. You will do what is right for you. You have to find your place of peace. What you can live with. No regrets.

Hugs.

[MomOnBike]

Brandi, it sounds to me like you are asking permission to stay away.


Permission granted.


The people in your life who love you and go out of their way to interact with you and show you their love are the ones you have an emotional debt to. Not the man who did his best to cut you out of his life. You owe him nothing.

[Giulianna23]

I am in a similar situation...I live 15 minutes from my Dads. I pass in front of his house every time I go to the Gym. He is about 71 y/o I think ....and he is Diabetic..I heard he is going blind and having a hard time with his health. I know one of my Nieces do the run around for him. I think she does it because now she have transportation provided from him so she can take him where ever he needs to go and she gets to keep the car to go to college and hang out with her friends. He is paying for insurance gas and everything. Anyway...everytime I pass I feel like stopping to talk to him and see how he is doing...but the way he always treated me and my brothers stops me from doing it. I forget about it for a couple of days and then I end up passing in front of his house again and think about stopping the car and knock at his door. He was a very mean person and I do not feel angry towards him..but sadness...and I am affraid he is still the same regardless of his age and health. I am affraid to go visit him and find out he hasn't change. It is a very hard decision to make. But whatever you do...do it because you want to do it. Because it comes from the bottom of your heart.


BTW...WE grew up without him..no child support nor nothing..We didn't met him until I was 25 years old. He couldn't even make up for all them years. We gave him the opportunity but he really did show he have no Heart ( dunno now though). He is all about money and material things. So bad that he never took care of us nor my mom...she raised us by herself while he was making all the money and living the good life. Cars, Harley Davidson, Vacations etc etc.

[Brandi]

You know I don't really think it is permission I am looking for (or maybe it is). Everyone has a story and from this thread I was right. I am looking for wisdom and experience. And so appreciate everyone's opinions, stories and wisdom.
In the back of my mind I think "am I a mean for not going to this man and giving him what he wants (or she wants) on his death bed"? And then reason comes in and says "You owe him NOTHING".
You could almost say one of my worst habits is feeling guilt and always saying sorry. But that comes from an abusive step dad that overreacted to everything I did I think.
Anyway hey I did finally get a bike ride in yesterday and it was wonderful! Hoping I get one in today as well.
I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.
It is funny but I feel a little like a little girl right now. Interesting.....

[redrhodie]

Brandi, your note sounds perfect. Short, simple, and honest. No one gets hurt.

[Melalvai]

Brandi,
This is about you so much more than it is about him. The question is not whether he deserves any forgiveness or attention from you. The question is whether there is anything for you in visiting him.

My husband recently found his father--through an obituary. His parents had split on amicable terms, but I definitely had some resentments toward his father, who I saw as the first of a string of men who left her with more children and less money. He made no attempt to be part of my husband's life or pay child support.

Through the obituary and the funeral home, he was able to make contact with his father's wife and then some aunts, uncles, and siblings. We've learned some very important things about his father, including that both father and grandfather died young of colon cancer.

What I learned is that he was a drifter for a long time, then one day he just decided to get his life together. He quit drinking and got a job. My husband was about 20 I think when this happened. Even with the job he was never what you'd call well off, or even what we consider comfortable. Plus he was exactly like my husband in personality-- very private, reticent, and extremely shy. I can easily imagine that if he ever thought about my husband, he was embarrassed to contact him, because in his mind he'd lost his right as father by not supporting him financially or otherwise. I'm sure he thought his son was better off without him.

What this has to do with your situation is, if you have approach a reunion with a spirit of curiosity and a determination not to judge, you may have a lot to learn. Your father's actions or inactions were the best choices he could make at the time. I dare even to use these words: logical, sensible, and reasonable (to him). I am not saying it would seem so to anyone else...but all of us do what we do for reasons that make sense to us at the time.

The fact that he is terminal means you don't have a lot of time to wait. If you find this spirit of curiosity 10 years from now it will be too late. We're pretty sad that my husband was 2 years too late (although in his case it wasn't a lack of curiosity, it just turned out to be impossible to find him while he was alive. It's just easier to find someone after they are dead.)

One thing that struck me is how unexpected the information was. I didn't have curiosity about his father, I had made up my mind long ago. When I thought of it at all I assumed the only thing of any use to learn would be medical history, and I didn't think that was really all that important. Well, the medical turned out to be very important, and the rest of the info kind of took me by surprise. So you might not have any specific questions to be curious about, but you can be generally curious and open to the idea that there might be something helpful that you will learn.

Learning that his father's personality is so much like his was a real eye-opener to me. It was at that point that I realized how judgmental I've been about his secretive nature. Suddenly it seemed that he'd inherited that secretiveness, and all these years I've been extremely judgmental about what I saw as indirect dishonesty.

[shootingstar]

I think I have pretty much decided on not responding in person and sending a note. Just going to say how I feel and sorry he is sick and that I hope he finds peace.

And don't put a return address on the envelope. Right now, the problem is not even him. It's his ex-wife.

A few words from you may mean something....I mean who wants to die alone?