Strange situation need advice please.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((Brandi)))))))

No advice, just hugs.

[goldfinch]

If it isn't an emergency don't make any decisions until you are less tired and recovered a bit from your trip.

[Crankin]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

[Irulan]

Get some rest, Brandi.
My professional and personal opinion is that it's only going to make you more upset to go. Just because someone is related to you, doesn't mean you owe him/her anything. Not a popular opinion, but some people do horrible things to others, and it's OK not to have a relationship with this kind of person. If you think it's going to make you feel better, go, but you've made several attempts at reconciliation and they have been rebuffed. And Knot is right. People die and you don't need to feel guilty about this.

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

[Veronica]

I had no relationship with my father. My parents split when I was 6 and he moved out of state to avoid paying child support for the 4 of his 7 kids still under 18. My siblings - all older - idolize my father and I don't know why. Even the ones for whom he refused to pay child support. He moved back to Maine after I graduated high school and was no longer a financial burden to him. They always refer to him as "Daddy..." with this totally reverent tone. He passed away twenty years ago and they still talk about him that way. I've always wondered why. What did I miss out on?

I do wish he had lived long enough so that I could form my own opinion about him as an adult. I've never been satisfied with their stories about.

You have to decide what will be best for you, not for your dad, nor for the ex step mom (that's just weird!) But for you.

Veronica

[grey]

Where is that "like" button? I'm with crankin on this one. My dad, while married to my mother, and in my life, did some really evil things. He's been dead about 25 years now. One of the more horrible experiences of my life was feeling obligated to have some sort of a relationship with him, even tho he'd done these things that no one knew about. When I went to his memorial, it was awful.... all these people were talking about how wonderful and great he was, and all I could think/feel was "are you people f*****g kidding me? Do you even know?". It made me want to throw up.

Anyway, once I came to terms with the fact that I was in no way obligated to love my father, life was much easier for me. I respect that he had his own pain, but that doesn't excuse his behavior. One can give up a resentment without having to forgive.

My husband and his brother had the same experience at their dad's funeral. All these people saying how wonderful he was, dh was wondering if they were all talking about the same guy. His dad was horrible to him, he also tried so hard to have a relationship with his dad and was always kicked for it. In some ways, he's still mad at him, 10 years after his death. We didn't invite him to our wedding, smart choice after what he did at my brother in law's wedding.

Long story made short, when dh was 8 his dad decided to run off with blonde bimbo secretary. Had another son. Dh put himself through college working in the tennis pro shop at a nearby resort. His dad showed up with his boy for a tennis tournament and ignored my husband's presence at the same tourney!

Dh decided years ago not to put up with lying, abuse, or anyone trying to crap on him ever again. Sometimes he draws that line in the sand too quickly, but the man was an *** who didn't want a relationship with his older sons.

Don't go if you don't want to. Personally I think it would be self defeating and self inflicted torture to go. Who needs that? Be with people who love and respect you.

[spindizzy]

This post tugs at my heart.

My father died earlier this year. He had an abysmal upbringing. He was left by his biological mother with father and 1st stepmother. They divorced and nice stepmother was replaced by a wicked, evil, body-beating stepmother. His father was weak and did not stand up for him. To make matters worse, my father did not know who his biological mother was until he was in his 20's. To his credit, he accepted her in his life.

My brother and sisters were all able to see my dad before he died. I admittedly, had the best relationship with him. My siblings share your ambivalence. As we have many times, we recounted all of the stories of our own childhood: the good times, the separation (x2), the divorce, siblings changing parents in different provinces. Parents fighting over kids. Depression, alcoholism and other substance addictions are ever present in our family tree.

My siblings question their feelings about their relationship with our dad, still. I believe my father was a lonely person (only child), who was looking for a family. His relationship with each of us was different. And coloured by his own upbringing. I'll never forget his vehemence toward his 2nd stepmother. He had Lewy-body dementia and was in hospital before we were able to place him in a veteran's home. He begged us to get him out of the hospital. He took me aside one day and said "Get me out of here! I hate this place! I hate this place as much as I hate Ada!" (stepmother #2) This hatred, that he was never able to let go of, permeated his whole life.

So I counsel my siblings to let go, to understand that we are all imperfect and some of us have the strength to rise above our shortcomings. We all have different expectations and perceptions of our relationship with others. I don't want them to wallow in a place of sadness. I'm sure my dad tried but the lack of love and acceptance in his childhood had him searching his whole life. It makes me weep still. Then I extrapolate that to all of the children in this world who are in homes with violence - no love. And I wonder what their lives will be like.

Enough of the thread-jack...

I support the wisdom shared in this thread. You will do what is right for you. You have to find your place of peace. What you can live with. No regrets.

Hugs.

[MomOnBike]

Brandi, it sounds to me like you are asking permission to stay away.


Permission granted.


The people in your life who love you and go out of their way to interact with you and show you their love are the ones you have an emotional debt to. Not the man who did his best to cut you out of his life. You owe him nothing.

[Velocivixen]

Mr. Sperm donor, who said you were the worst thing that ever happened to him, hasn't wanted you. So what makes you think it's changed now? Don't go. Relax yourself.

[ACG]

I have to chime in here.

First: A lot of hugs, lots and lots of them.
Two: You are doing the right thing, venting to us, putting it in writing. You are being intelligent, thinking this thru, not reacting quickly.
Three: Whatever you do it will be the best thing for you. Don't look back. Just go forward.

[Bike Writer]

I am with LPH on this for all the reasons she stated plus I really want to reiterate that this is much more for your benefit than his. You have every justification to be angry with him for years of rejection and neglect, that is emotionally very difficult to overcome.

A really wise dear person once shared with me the following...forgivness is a gift to us from God, it's not about the person we are forgiving it's about us and for us. The person at whom our anger is directed feels no pain from all from our angst, they don't even know it exists, they go about their life unaware of the damage being wrought. But that pain eats away at our joy in life and robs us of happiness. Forgivness is far too difficult for anyone to do by themselves. Even Jesus could not forgive, He asked His Father to forgive His executioners.

Whether you end up going or not, ask for forgivness for this person, you may be surprised at the results over time.

I am currently in a situation where I have been betrayed by a friend and my anger had no end to it. It's been consuming me, the only relief I have had from this is when I ask that this person be forgiven. It has created a crack in my anger and I hope over time it will dissolve the anger and pain. It's a gift to us that is free for the asking, no person should have to live with anger.

Take care of yourself, stress kills.