Dear So and So

[jobob]

Dear TE:
There isn't a community out there with a major research university with sidewalks, public transit, and grocery stores and apartments nearby, that's bike-friendly with reasonably weather, is there?

Berkeley? Santa Cruz? Riverside?

[Trek420]

Berkeley? Santa Cruz? Riverside?

Davis, Seattle ...

[jessmarimba]

Dear whoever decided to keep my favorite water bottle that I left on the office bathroom counter after work yesterday -

Really??

[channlluv]

Dear whoever decided to keep my favorite water bottle that I left on the office bathroom counter after work yesterday -

Really??

Do the office cleaning staff have a lost and found?

Roxy

[jobob]

Davis, Seattle ...

Doh, Davis, of course! (slaps head)

[Trek420]

Doh, Davis, of course! (slaps head)

Chico has great cycling, club cycling at least and I think the town and university are pretty good. My personal bet would be on Santa Cruz.

[indysteel]

Dear dear friend:

I love you and your boys; you're like family to me. Your husband, however, is a jerk. I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly (is "factly" a word?). Today's comment was a perfect example of this: "We were going to call you Saturday about a play date in the park, but Husband realized that he 'hadn't done anything with the boys all summer,' so we went to Eagle Creek for a hike."

The father of your children, your husband, hasn't done anything with his own children for the last three months? How can that be? I can't tell if you're miserable and just too prideful to let on or if you're just resigned to the situation. From my vantage point, this is not a happy family. I've mostly held my tongue because when I have given you a bit of bait to talk openly about your marriage, you haven't taken it. But, honestly, I'm very concerned. And sad. You and the boys deserve so much more.

Signed,

A very worried surrogate aunt

[BleeckerSt_Girl]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

[indysteel]

Indy, keep in mind that it was she who said that her husband "realized that he hadn't done anything with the boys all summer". It sounds like kind of sarcastic choice of words on her part.
You say "I don't know how to respond to half of what you say about him, especially since you say most of it so matter of factly"- this tells me your friend has a certain habitual and routine way of talking about her husband in a way that always paints him in a bad light. It's entirely possible that if one asked her husband directly, he could list all kinds of things he had done with his boys during summer, and might not feel he 'realized' anything to the contrary at all.

People who routinely describe their spouses in a disparaging yet matter-of-fact way often have a problem themselves. Just sayin it's something to consider.

I hear what you're saying, but this was just one comment among many, and one observation among many. If this were isolated, I would have brushed it off. I've known this family and her for a long time and have been witness to a number of situations firsthand. My assessment is this: My friend is a very independent person who married someone who is a workaholic and equally independent. They peacefully coexisted until they had kids. Now they have two young boys who require a lot of attention. That job has largely fallen on her shoulders, and they simply do not do much together as a family. I have enough friends married to wonderful fathers to appreciate the difference. Plus, part of my opinion is based on my own interactions with the guy. He's about as warm and friendly as a rattlesnake. He's just not nice.

From the first week of their elder son's life, he just hasn't been engaged. I think she battled it for a time, but then became resigned to it. I know enough about their dynamic, her husband's own family, and his tendency to put work well before everything else to conclude that this is mostly about him. Yes, she's played an active role in allowing it, but it's mostly him. Perhaps she made him feel unnecessary from the start....but his first act as a parent the day they brought their eldest home from the hospitalwas to play golf. So, I dunno.

Whatever the case, I feel bad for the boys. Putting aside the issue of blame, I don't think it's an overly happy home. And that makes me sad.