It only takes one jerk to make me want to swear-off group rides.

[Hi Ho Silver]

If she shows up at a ride, try the "mind over matter" approach ...just say to yourself "I don't mind her comments because in the overall scheme of things, she doesn't matter". Condescending/passive aggressive people are best ignored (Another payoff to ignoring them - it pisses them off).

[DarcyInOregon]

My female training group doesn't have anyone like the older female you described, though perhaps I fit the age, being 57.

I don't get why others have to make comments, don't like it when it is directed at me by totally strange cyclists either. I personally don't examine other cyclist's bikes, other than to put in a mental category of road bike, hybrid, comfort bike, mountain bike, etc., and maybe note the color. It is an individual choice as to the bike, clothing, etc., and so there is nothing for me to observe and thus nothing to comment on.

I can say that for young fit females, it doesn't matter what type of bike they ride, because most of them can zip by me on the hills like I am not moving at all, have incredible endurance and are really strong for speed. When they are able to upgrade to a road bike with clipless pedals, even at the entry level, from a mountain bike or hybrid, just like that they are completing steep category climbs, metrics and full centuries. I've observed it at least 3 times this year alone between my two training groups. I am cheering for these ladies, not being jealous, because they all found a sport that gives them a passion and I am excited that biking will be a part of their futures.

[Rebekah H]

I love, love, love my female friends (I'm not really a guy's girl anyway) and am involved in a few hobbies that are made of mostly women, as well as nursing school which equals MUCHO estrogen. I don't even know if it's girls or it's just groups of people who are "competing," but there's always one blowhole in every group that can't allow people to just have fun without taking a jab. My favorite way to cope is just to blow them off and remember that...well, they can suck it. Just remember that there are usually two reasons people do crap like that: they are either kind of bitter and can't resist a jab or they're completely clueless and think they're just making conversation. Either way, don't let some sucker rain on your parade!

[marni]

my favorite response to b****** like this is to look at them and ask sincerely " why in the world would you say something like that to anyone?" and then ignore them from then on out.

an a hole is an ahole no matter what the gender or situation is. They don't deserve your time or attention.

marni

[Miranda]

She's messed in the head... don't let her mess with yours. Easier said than done I know.

It sucks you hafta deal with this. Makes you wonder what other people think about her as well? Who did she act this way before you showed up to the group?

The others prolly know she's nuttier than a fruit cake as well. I know one of these ladies as well. I had be-friended part of the group before I encountered her. Which helped.

I just decided to kill her with kindness and be-friend her. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies even closer they say.

The trying to ignore her the best you can as mentioned is another end of the spectrum.

Sure it's not you... she's prolly been this way in other situations as well. Maybe her whole life. Perhaps even oblivious. Eekke.

Hoping for good luck for you!

[owlice]

look at them and ask sincerely " why in the world would you say something like that to anyone?"

This. Or "Does doing that make people like you in some circles?" with raised eyebrows. Or "How patronizing!" and laugh. Or "ExCUSE me??" with that voice. You know the one I mean; everyone's heard it, and remembered it forever more.

I'd call her on the behavior. Seriously and curiously. Make her think about what she's saying and how it comes across.

Or laugh. Probably laugh, because I'm mean.

[zoom-zoom]

Or laugh. Probably laugh, because I'm mean.

I kind of did laugh...not so much at her, but at the guy flying by us in the pen*s extender. The whole line of us were making fun of him. He came out of nowhere and was definitely flying along way above the speed limit (this is a residential lakeshore road, not a generally busy route for people actually getting anywhere of importance). I hope it took the wind out of her sails, a bit.

[grey]

We had a guy like this in our little group. He always knew more than everyone else and in his mind was always right, you were an idiot to disagree with him because of course, you lacked his intelligence to begin!

I'd finally had it a few years ago, I was riding hubby's mountain bike yet because I hadn't found a bike I liked and honestly, it's hard for us to spend money. We are savers, so as long as I was unsure of what to get, it made sense to still ride the mtb.

One day he says (really loud) "the reason you don't have a bike is because you don't have any money!" and proceeds to snicker. I was speechless for a moment, who would ever say something like that? If it had been true, I can't imagine the sting it would have caused.

I had a reply. I am ashamed to say I used it. Around the same week, I had been helping a friend with her restaurant business and filling in as cook/ waitress. Small area, of course he was a customer. He was demanding, picky ('my organic tomato should be deep red all the way through') and would deliberately do things to make waiting tables difficult, and I was just helping a friend on my day off! I snapped "well, how can I make any money when folks like you only leave a 62cent tip?"

He turned bright red. I mean really really red. I felt like CRAP for saying it, for stooping to his level like that. I know it didn't make me look good, and heaven forbid it got back to my friend.

As it is, he moved away 18 months ago. "Good riddance!" according to another rider. He came by another riders place of business just before valentines day and she was too busy to talk to him. Apparently he took personal offense to it. We haven't heard a peep since. I'd venture to say your loudmouth woman is the same. Ignore her and she disappears.

[Crankin]

All of these people have something wrong going on; believe me, I am much more aware of "mood lability" in the general public since I became a therapist. Before, I just thought these were rude or weird people. But the behavior fits a pattern, that is easily recognizable to mental health professionals. I'd hate to think that it's being attributed to "older" women, of which I am one. I would never comment on anyone's bike, or anything about their riding on a group ride, unless I thought I was in danger because of their poor riding skills. I might think it, but I wouldn't say it....
All of these examples have the same symptoms; irritability, unexplained anger and the need to put others down. I'd bet in most cases it's because someone has put them down in the past (or currently), or they are afraid they might not measure up to a new person, so they lash out, instead. Sadly, I do find women do a lot more of this, in social situations. It might be because women generally are predisposed to having issues with depression/poor self esteem.
I'd just stay away and not engage with the person. Although, Marni's comment might make someone "snap out of it."

[pll]

Crankin: That was very interesting.

Zoom-zoom: My two cents... We can never control how other people 'operate'. We can only control how we react to them. Some people are impervious to hints, so a witty response or ignoring them may not ever make a dent in their behavior. And you may keep getting poisoned by it, which hurts you. So, I will venture to say that engaging is not entirely bad. Either find something you like about the person (there usually is something to be liked about anyone, "kill them with kindness" approach) or respond in a direct manner ("I feel that comment was patronizing. Please keep such comments to yourself"). The person may still push your buttons every now and then, but the key is for you to find a good spot, where the obnoxious behavior does not leave you seething, at least not for a long time.

[goldfinch]

I used to be in the position of power over a number of coworkers who were like me highly educated, ambitious and competitive. Of about 15 people there were two absolute jerks. Let's call them Joe and Stephanie. (It is fun to use their real names). I found myself frustrated by Stephanie's behavior more often than at the Joe's equally bad behavior. On reflection I decided that I had a tendency to have higher expectations of women then of men. Women are my team after all!

[mariacycle]

zoom-zoom, I used to be a coxswain (basically small person steering boat/barking orders in crew) and I had this EXACT problem with someone in my boat. At the time I was 14 years old and the man barking orders at me was at least 60 or so. Actually, my father was in the boat too. The man would belittle my steering/skills (despite the fact that my steering took my girls boat to #2 nationally ranked) and I was constantly recognized in races as a skilled coxswain.

Now, keep in mind I was a teenager and at that point it's difficult to stand up to someone much older than you... I felt like an elementary school student being yelled at in class.

Finally I screamed at him: "enough. you do your job, I do mine." as we were racing. Found out later that another in the boat pulled him aside too to tell him that he was out of line. I was grateful that my dad never came to my rescue because it would have made me seem like a scared child. After that he shut up.

The funny thing is that he'd yell at me about steering but he was rowing so technically wrong (digging really, really deep) that he was throwing off the keel of the entire boat and actually screwing us up. Irony!!

Sorry for the long story, just wanted to tell you that I know exactly how you feel and it totally sucks. It's hard to stand up for yourself in this kind of situation.

[Jen12]

We had a guy like this in our little group. He always knew more than everyone else and in his mind was always right, you were an idiot to disagree with him because of course, you lacked his intelligence to begin!

I'd finally had it a few years ago, I was riding hubby's mountain bike yet because I hadn't found a bike I liked and honestly, it's hard for us to spend money. We are savers, so as long as I was unsure of what to get, it made sense to still ride the mtb.

One day he says (really loud) "the reason you don't have a bike is because you don't have any money!" and proceeds to snicker. I was speechless for a moment, who would ever say something like that? If it had been true, I can't imagine the sting it would have caused.

People who make comments about money get under my skin. I have a friend who has a BFF who throws money around like it's confetti. The BFF's husband is the same way, although I think for him it's more of a status thing. He wants to look like he's got it all. Like you, I'm a saver, and I made a conscious decision a couple of years ago to walk away from a career I hated to go into one that is much less lucrative. I made many sacrifices to do this, but rarely comment on it because a lot of things I gave up were just extras that I don't need or miss. Anyway, a group of us were on a girl's weekend and one night at a bar, I didn't feel like drinking. If I drink past a certain point, it just keeps me awake at night and I hadn't slept the previous two nights. A week later this girl verbally attacked me about how if I couldn't afford to drink I shouldn't have come on the weekend at all, and it was awkward for her that I wasn't drinking that night.

Like you, my reasons for my choices had nothing to do with money, and she was way, WAY out of line for making such a classless and nasty comment. This was over a year ago, and I never did figure out what she was really upset about.

There are people who just don't think before they speak. I think instead of feeling sorry for them, we should feel badly for them.