I just do not understand people

[Jen12]

I have a friend who bad-mouths a very long term friend of hers when the girl is not around. I think it's due in large part to the fact that my friend's fiancee (sp?) doesn't like this girl, nor does her BFF. Yet, she goes out to dinner with this girl and spends time with her. It seems really passive-aggressive.

I really don't get it. If someone is your friend, be a friend. Don't smack talk her when you're around others who don't like her. I've stood up for this girl several times, reminding my friend that they've known each other for over a decade and it would be a shame to let that go to waste.

Sometimes people act like they never got out of middle school.

[PamNY]

I totally understand this. It's an issue with some people I'm forced to deal with. I won't derail the thread with details, but it's gotten to the point that I'm going to speak up when the gossip starts.

I'm glad you said something.

[Grits]

Someone wrote in to one of the advice columnists in the paper I read asking what to do in this situation. The columnist's advice was to, whenever the friend starts slamming the other person, say, "she/he always speaks very highly of you." Kind of takes the wind out of their sails.

[Flybye]

Someone wrote in to one of the advice columnists in the paper I read asking what to do in this situation. The columnist's advice was to, whenever the friend starts slamming the other person, say, "she/he always speaks very highly of you." Kind of takes the wind out of their sails.

Hey, I was going to say that

My motto is - if I am not part of the problem or the solution then I am not part of the conversation - and I verbalize that when someone tries to snag me into talking about others!

[Jen12]

Hey, I was going to say that

My motto is - if I am not part of the problem or the solution then I am not part of the conversation - and I verbalize that when someone tries to snag me into talking about others!

I love this motto!!!!!


In my situation, I barely know the girl who they're always talking about, but the few times I've been around her she's been incredibly kind to me. I tend to just make a statement to that effect.

[PamNY]

I love these suggestions. Keep them coming. I've dealt with this frustrating issue so much I can't think straight about it.

[limewave]

Good suggestions. I recently let-go of two "friends" who did a lot of that same thing. I got so tired of them bad-mouthing our mutual friends--and I always said something or tried to change the subject. Then it occurred to me, what are they saying about me when I'm not around???

[Jen12]

Good suggestions. I recently let-go of two "friends" who did a lot of that same thing. I got so tired of them bad-mouthing our mutual friends--and I always said something or tried to change the subject. Then it occurred to me, what are they saying about me when I'm not around???

I saw a comedian recently on TV--Colin Quinn, I think--who did this whole thing about family get-togethers and carpools and how everyone is so happy to see each other, but the whole ride home everyone is tearing everyone else down. He did this bit about how each time you drop someone off on the ride home you talk about them as soon as they get out of the car, so he refused to get out of the car in front of his house. It was funny, but it can be soooo true!

You're absolutely right. What are they saying about you? And then if you indulge in the cattiness, you KNOW that's going to be discussed! And if you make a point NOT to be drawn in, that's probably analyzed also. So, yeah. Sometimes you can't win.

[PamNY]

One thing I've always wanted to do when the gossip starts (but never have) is get some paper and proceed to take notes.

If I do it, I will report back on results.

[channlluv]

Bahahahaha! That cracks me up.

I like the "They've always spoken highly of you" line, too. That's classy.