Depression

[alexis_the_tiny]

I think its time for an update now that parts of my life have officially imploded and I can talk. The whole recurrence of anger was because of my partner and the 'discussions' we keep having about where boundaries in the relationship lie and what kind of behavior was appropriate to commitment. And I guess I eventually realized that he wasn't about to commit to anything except to be in an exclusive relationship with no indication of when were were ever going to settle into something stable because he had these dreams of going pro in Europe and somehow, I needed to be ok with staying on hold until those dreams came true, if they ever come true. And if they never, well, I'd have to stay on hold forever. But that's a small chunk of it. Only. And so we went into therapy together and that's when I started feeling unsafe in therapy and angry and eventually, I decided I wasn't going to pick up on his slack any more when he 'doesn't feel like' contacting me and I just stopped. Because its ridiculous. I don't care if his friends managed to work out serious relationships with their girlfriends by seeing them once a month and talking to them once every couple of weeks, that's not my story and I'm not participating in a story that involves that.

So I just stopped participating. I wish I could say it makes me feel better but I don't feel better yet. I feel strange, as if I'm in some state of denial. I don't want to touch a thing or change anything, rather stay pretending he never existed in my life at all and throwing his things out or changing my facebook relationship status is just acknowledging that he exists and it failed. I supposed I'll be able to do it at some point, just not now. It's taken a lot of effort to deal with my ex who was psychologically abusive and all my issues and I'm not about to stand by and watch someone take down all my hard work.

And simply because this isn't enough of a warped comedy, the whole debacle has given me irritable bowel. The universe has a strange sense of humor. *facepalm*

[Crankin]

I hope you're working with a really good therapist that you feel a connection with. It sounds like you made a good decision, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Psychological abuse is never a good thing... Denial is one of the first ways we deal with loss, so think of it as something you are going through, but won't feel this way forever. The problem comes when the denial continues indefinitely.

[redrhodie]

(((alexis))) I'm so sorry. That's hard to go through.

[OakLeaf]

((((((alexis))))) Hang in there. It sounds to me like you ARE moving forward, just by having made that decision. Sending hugs and wishes for happier times ahead.