The following is an email exchange. A friend sent me the original. Being a helpful person, I tried to answer all the queries raised. My responses are in italics.

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate.

I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them.

1. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev.1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

No -- just invite them to the barbeque.

2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

Well, that depends. Do you plan to sell her on Hollywood Blvd, or Rodeo Drive?

3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual cleanliness (Lev.15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

The Biblical reference is to her bed, her chair, and having sex with her. Just stay away from all chairs and beds except your own. You're only allowed to have sex with your wife, so if you don't know when she's menstruating, you aren't living in the same town with her and won't have much chance of sex, anyway.

4. Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

Your neighbor is wrong. Under NAFTA, you can purchase both Mexicans and Canadians. (They can also purchase us.) When you schedule the depreciation of your slaves, don't forget to account for Jubilee Year, when you have to free them.

5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. (Exodus 35:2) clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

Let your neighborhood priests and elders handle it. They may call you in to help with the stoning, so always keep a good pile of small rocks on hand.

6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

They are equivalent. Anyone who would indulge in one abomination would indulge in the other. Just as anyone who smokes marijuana will eventually progress to heroin and the downfall of Western civilization.

7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Sit in the back of the room, just to be safe.

8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

This isn't a killing offense, but it might involve another barbeque. Be sure they invite you.

9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

Just take a ritual bath after the game, and remember, no sex for a week.

10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

Well, blaspheming is a sin against the community and might bring the Lord's wrath down on the whole town. I'm afraid everyone is going to have to dig into their rock piles for this one. (Are you sure you want to admit to being related?)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

You're welcome.