Hi, its me. Again. And its the same old thing. Again. This year, I got a job I love doing, got invited to join a bike team which is just WOW, beyond my wildest everything ever, clocked a 30km/h average speed without drafting anyone on a ride.

BUT I am miserable, furious and insomniac. This should be the BEST YEAR of my life ever. But it is far from the best, in fact, its about the most miserable. I haven't ridden my bike in almost three weeks. I need anti-histamines to help me sleep every single night, otherwise I'm up, exhausted, furious and crying until 4 a.m. in the morning. I can't finish a decent ride because I get so furious with everything I start crying an hour into a ride. Therapy is not helping because I'm so furious I don't even know where to start with it and I no longer feel safe expressing my anger anywhere, even in individual therapy. The worst of it is that I can't talk to anyone about what's causing the fury because I'm afraid someone will find out about it. My first two big races are in June. At first I was psyched about them because you know, new team, great training and all. Now I just feel like I never want to race or ride a bike any more. This really blows.