when you dump a friend

[badger]

I had to dump a "friend" that I have known for over 20 years. we've never had a great friendship, we had a falling out once before. But this is it. I shouldn't have to walk on eggshells or have her yell at me for not letting her know that I'm not having a birthday party (this all transpired on my birthday).

I will admit that I'm not completely faultless, but it's just too hard to maintain a friendship with someone you have to watch every little thing you say or do because she will get mad or criticize. I've never been yelled at before on a phone like that, and even after apologizing she kept on going. And really, why should I apologize for not having a party? I can honestly say that was abuse.

Just because you know someone for a long time doesn't mean they're good for you. I'm glad to not have her in my life anymore.

[/rant over]

[lph]

Good for you, badger! *applause*

I know just what you mean, I'm afraid.

[Biciclista]

sounds like my mother. Lucky you, she's your ex friend.

[malkin]

Life is short.

Happy Birthday!!!

[Crankin]

Exactly. You did the right thing. I have a 20 year friend I would like to dump, too, but I just can't, as she's friends with one of my really good friends, too. So, we commiserate. She has all kinds of issues and I suspect Bipolar, or even a personality disorder. And I thought this before I went back to school. I have limited it to seeing her maybe once a month and a phone call every 2 weeks.
Too bad one of those calls was about an hour ago. She castigates me because I "don't care about my family" and she does. No, she still thinks she has to do things the way her parents did. What 57 year old calls her parents "mommy and daddy?" Her DH travels 4 days a week to get away from her and her son (college aged) can't stand being around her. All she has is her dog.
Oy. And she thinks there's something wrong with me?

[redrhodie]

(((badger))) I know this is harder than it sounds. I've felt more guilt over ending friendships than relationships. I hope you feel better without her in your life!

[Biciclista]

boy castigate IS the operative word

[badger]

Oy. And she thinks there's something wrong with me?

ha ha, and my ex friend thinks there's something wrong with me, too! she's faultless, of course. It's funny, the more I tried to not step on her toes, the more I ended up stomping on them!

Biciclista - she actually reminds me of my mother, too. We often get into relationships that remind us of our parents to work out the issues - I guess a small part of me hung onto this friendship to try and work out the issues I had with my mother, but I think this one just ran too deep.

Besides, after my mother went through menopause she's a different woman!

I really do feel better for not having her (ex-friend) in my life. I got nothing but negativity and strife from her.

[Crankin]

Well, my mother was not at all like this person.
She was like me .

[indysteel]

Badger, I'm sorry you lost a friend, but it sounds like you did the right thing. I've broken up with a few friends myself, usually because the degree of crazy just got to be too much for me and/or they didn't reciprocate my friendship in some fundamental way.

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place. It is sad to lose a friend, though, even when it's the "right" thing to do. Hang I there. I always spend extra time lovin' on my pets when I feel down about a friend. They remind me how nice it is to be loved and to love in such a uncomplicated manner.

[Bike Writer]

Losing or ending friendships is hard and as others have mentioned the residual "loss" we feel is often related more to the relationship itself instead of the quality of it, sort of like we miss the habit more than the person, if that makes any sense.

Having entered the realm of politics a couple of years ago there have been instances of loss of friendship and fully trusting others is not easy in that realm because you often don't know if the reasons for friendships are pure in motive. I've seen my share of the seamy side of life inside the ropes, so to speak, and it ain't pretty!

Badger, if today was your birthday, Happy Birthday! too.

[shootingstar]

I think you had tried to be a loyal friend, badger.

She might miss you more than you miss her. She doesn't have a punching bag .. Ow, that sounded hurtful!

[lph]

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place.

Very well said, indy.

[indysteel]

Thanks, lph. Ironically, this issue has been on my mind this week due to a conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend of mine about a mutual friend I broke up with a few years ago.

This particular friend had been in a bad relationship with a man for a number of years. And by bad, I mean that he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and toxic. They had broken up and gotten back together more times than I could count. During each breakup, I would hear from my friend, and I would do my best to encourage her to move on. Each time, she would insist she'd had enough, but would eventually return to him. It was a very unhealthy dynamic. What was always most telling to me is that she would get back together with him in secret. It would sometimes be weeks or months before she'd admit they had reunited.

After one particularly dramatic episode, I simply had had enough. I was tired of the drama, so I basically ended the friendship. We weren't the closest of friends anyway, and I rarely heard from her except when they were on the outs. They otherwise isolated themselves (another sign of trouble). I just wasn't getting much out of it anymore.

She, apparently, told our mutual friend recently that I "broke her heart" and that friends are supposed to be loyal and support one another no matter what. I've thought a lot about that this week with some degree of indignation. She's finally broken up with the guy--after another two years of drama (eight total)--and I was surprised that she still doesn't want to take any responsibility for how the relationship adversely affected her life, including her friendships. Prior to hearing that, I was half tempted to reconcile with her, but I've since thought better of it.

I love my friends, and generally speaking, I am more than happy to support them through good times and bad, but when they repeatedly engage is dysfunctional behavior with no sign of change, then I do not feel that it is my responsibility as a friend to support them. As harsh as this sounds, I have had my quota of crazy in my life. At this stage, I have neither the time nor the inclination to be anybody's therapist. If they want do take the steps necessary to be happy and healthy, then I'm there for them. Otherwise, I'm out the door with no apology.

I know some of the people in my life think I'm judgmental. And I suppose I am, but what the hell is all my own therapy worth if I don't give myself permission to exercise better judgment as to who I let in and keep in my life? I just find it odd that some women expect their friends to support them while they make a mess of their lives. That's not to say I've never made my own mistakes, but I never asked anyone else to clean up my mess.

My own rant over.

[Crankin]

I could not have said it better.