when you dump a friend

[Crankin]

Well, my mother was not at all like this person.
She was like me .

[indysteel]

Badger, I'm sorry you lost a friend, but it sounds like you did the right thing. I've broken up with a few friends myself, usually because the degree of crazy just got to be too much for me and/or they didn't reciprocate my friendship in some fundamental way.

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place. It is sad to lose a friend, though, even when it's the "right" thing to do. Hang I there. I always spend extra time lovin' on my pets when I feel down about a friend. They remind me how nice it is to be loved and to love in such a uncomplicated manner.

[Bike Writer]

Losing or ending friendships is hard and as others have mentioned the residual "loss" we feel is often related more to the relationship itself instead of the quality of it, sort of like we miss the habit more than the person, if that makes any sense.

Having entered the realm of politics a couple of years ago there have been instances of loss of friendship and fully trusting others is not easy in that realm because you often don't know if the reasons for friendships are pure in motive. I've seen my share of the seamy side of life inside the ropes, so to speak, and it ain't pretty!

Badger, if today was your birthday, Happy Birthday! too.

[lph]

I do sometimes feel some degree of regret or guilt over the break up, but I just remind myself that that what I miss is the idea of their friendship. Once I factor in the crazy or hurt, I remember why I walked away in the first place.

Very well said, indy.

[indysteel]

Thanks, lph. Ironically, this issue has been on my mind this week due to a conversation I had earlier in the week with a friend of mine about a mutual friend I broke up with a few years ago.

This particular friend had been in a bad relationship with a man for a number of years. And by bad, I mean that he was emotionally abusive, manipulative, and toxic. They had broken up and gotten back together more times than I could count. During each breakup, I would hear from my friend, and I would do my best to encourage her to move on. Each time, she would insist she'd had enough, but would eventually return to him. It was a very unhealthy dynamic. What was always most telling to me is that she would get back together with him in secret. It would sometimes be weeks or months before she'd admit they had reunited.

After one particularly dramatic episode, I simply had had enough. I was tired of the drama, so I basically ended the friendship. We weren't the closest of friends anyway, and I rarely heard from her except when they were on the outs. They otherwise isolated themselves (another sign of trouble). I just wasn't getting much out of it anymore.

She, apparently, told our mutual friend recently that I "broke her heart" and that friends are supposed to be loyal and support one another no matter what. I've thought a lot about that this week with some degree of indignation. She's finally broken up with the guy--after another two years of drama (eight total)--and I was surprised that she still doesn't want to take any responsibility for how the relationship adversely affected her life, including her friendships. Prior to hearing that, I was half tempted to reconcile with her, but I've since thought better of it.

I love my friends, and generally speaking, I am more than happy to support them through good times and bad, but when they repeatedly engage is dysfunctional behavior with no sign of change, then I do not feel that it is my responsibility as a friend to support them. As harsh as this sounds, I have had my quota of crazy in my life. At this stage, I have neither the time nor the inclination to be anybody's therapist. If they want do take the steps necessary to be happy and healthy, then I'm there for them. Otherwise, I'm out the door with no apology.

I know some of the people in my life think I'm judgmental. And I suppose I am, but what the hell is all my own therapy worth if I don't give myself permission to exercise better judgment as to who I let in and keep in my life? I just find it odd that some women expect their friends to support them while they make a mess of their lives. That's not to say I've never made my own mistakes, but I never asked anyone else to clean up my mess.

My own rant over.

[Crankin]

I could not have said it better.

[indysteel]

Thanks, Crankin. Given your education and training, that means a lot to me, especially since I won't see my therapist for another couple of weeks. I needed a gut check on it.

It shouldn't surpise me that my former friend can't appreciate how or why I drew a boundary. If she, herself, knew how to draw and enforce boundaries, she never would have spent one year, let alone eight, with a man that was simply awful to her. He used to stalk her for goodness sake! Why I'm internalizing what she said about me is beyond me. I need to trust my own judgment more.

[jordanpattern]

Good for you for doing what's best for you, rather than slugging out a bad friendship out of a sense of obligation, Indysteel!

I recently dumped a friend. We were very close for a year or two, and then she rather suddenly underwent a complete personality shift. That didn't end the friendship; I figured we were just growing apart a bit, which happens and is fine. Then she began to say really mean-spirited passive aggressive things to me when we'd be together and also on another internet forum we were both members of. One time she implied that I had some kind of problem because I would ride the exercise bike at the gym for 45 - 55 minutes at a stretch (oh the humanity! - she thought that was an insane amount of cardio for someone who's not trying to lose weight). Each time, I'd try to do the mature thing and talk to her, and each time, she'd sort of apologize but allude to the fact that I'd somehow offended her. When I'd ask what was wrong and apologize for inadvertently offending her, she'd refuse to tell me. She always had a weird thing about my weight (I'm normal height but of very slight build, though I eat like a horse) The final straw was when I found out she was telling people that I had an eating disorder behind my back.

The point, I guess, and as you obviously know, is that life is too short to suffer jerks, fools, and toxic people. I hope my ex friend sorts through her issues, since she's obviously troubled by something, but I don't need to hang around and put up with crap while she does it.