new rider with training partner issues

[indysteel]

Furious, huh?

Tell her husband to help her train if he is such an avid cyclist.

Ha + 2.

I'd be really surprised if they haven't gone several rounds themselves--the relunctant rider and her husband--about their own cycling imcompatability.

[maillotpois]

Yeah, that's lame - why is it YOUR responsibility to make her a cyclist? Shouldn't her husband be participating in this project?

[zoom-zoom]

I think it's time to splurge on a babysit for all your kids and go on a group ride with all the husbands - RR's husband can be sweeper and never drop her.

+1 meeellion!

[TrekJeni]

+1 meeellion!

Make that TWO million!!!!!!!

I lost a best friend because of cycling. She is a mother of two kids that are very active in sports and her husband worked late hours meaning she would have to ferry the kids back and forth to practice. I went out of my way to drive to the soccer fields where her kids were practicing, come up with a route and then ride with her. I always did this for her to accommodate her schedule.

We also participated in a charity ride which included free coaching. Even though there were about 30 people at all the training rides with multiple speed groups she demanded that I ride in the same group she did. I was considerably faster than she was. Even after addressing the issue, she was rude and snotty that I wanted to ride with the faster speed group.

As far as doing hill repeats while waiting her to climb the hill.... well that didn't work out either. She would be pissed by the time she got to the top and it was always ugly.

We finally just went our separate ways.

In the end, even though you do all the concession making, it might not be enough.

Good luck!

[andiewest]

Sorry I haven't responded. I didn't realize this thread was still going. I'll catch you up on what has happened.

On one of our training rides, two of us continued to ride ahead and then regroup every 10-15 minutes. This was going to be our longest ride at 50 km (30 miles). When we stopped for coffee at the 40km mark, my reluctant friend was visibly upset and not talking to either of us. I decided that this was the time to discuss it. I explained that riding was something that I was doing for health and fitness reasons (I recently finished surgery and treatments for breast cancer) and that cycling was one of the few things that alleviated my stress and anxiety. I wasn't riding ahead in order to make her feel bad, but just because riding faster made me feel good. My goal of riding the century was a personal one, which she decided to do after I had already committed to it. I also said that she would need to ride more than once a week if she hoped to complete the century in July. My other friend explained that she had a personal goal of riding the century in 7 hours and that at our current pace it would take 11 hours. This discussion upset my friend and she left the coffee shop, called her husband for a ride home and stopped talking to us.

My other friend, the peacemaker, put together a training schedule with mileage and speeds that we would try to keep to. We all discussed this and agreed to it. We are taking a little break from training as a threesome as two of us are doing a metric century on April 3. The reluctant rider is riding on her own and attempting to increase her speed and mileage so that she can better keep up. We are supposed to resume training together after the metric century.

Unfortunately, this has brought up other issues in our friendship. We had a long talk last week and I think we will be able to move forward from this. We have both agreed to communicate more clearly and let the other one know when something is hurtful or not working for us. We have agreed to disagree on the cycling. She admitted that she never really intended to complete the century and thought that we would all back out once the distances increased. Even after all of our discussions she still insisted that we must always stick together. She compared riding with her to going for a ride with our children. We wouldn't leave them behind. I told her that I would not go on a training ride with my children.

As far as the century ride. I have decided that I will do it with my husband. The century is part of the Seattle to Portland ride. I am only doing the first day of it. My husband is happy to ride with me on the first day and ride at his own pace the next. My reluctant friend has made it clear that she would expect me to stick with her throughout the century no matter what. I have visions of her stopping for 10-15 minutes every few miles and I just can't or am not willing to do that. My other friend has said that if Relucant Rider follows the training schedule she will ride with her. The schedule involves 6 days of week of riding and building to 150-175 miles per week. I guess no one really thinks that she will follow the training plan. She has bought a new road bike and is spending quite a bit of time on her trainer. I think she might surprise us and complete the ride after all. I hope she does. I will be there to celebrate with her at the finish line.

I realize that I am putting my personal fitness goals ahead of our friendship, but really, for me, completing this century has always been about regaining my strength and health. I decided to do this ride last July. I was fat, weak and sick and had to get off and push my bike up a very small incline. After almost tossing my bike over a ridge, hyperventilating and many tears, I decided that next July I would ride in the Seattle to Portland.

[Kerry1976]

She admitted that she never really intended to complete the century and thought that we would all back out once the distances increased. Even after all of our discussions she still insisted that we must always stick together. She compared riding with her to going for a ride with our children. We wouldn't leave them behind. I told her that I would not go on a training ride with my children.

This part made me gasp out loud (seriously). She's angry at both of you when she never had a commitment to actually complete the task? And then, to be worse, she's upset because you didn't fail with her? That is really disingenuous. Not cool! She has no right to be upset when she never actually committed in the first place.

And, to compare it to leaving children behind just doesn't even make sense. Like you said, you wouldn't even take your children on such a training ride. The logic makes no sense.

And she is comparing herself to a child? HUH?

I should add - she should be thrilled that you and your other friend are making good progress towards a great goal, not being upset because you didn't quit on it and "stick together."

WOW.

[ny biker]

I think you gotta do what you gotta do. Your plan makes sense to me.

Sometimes difficult experiences, like health problems, cause you to see friends differently than before, and relationships might change as a result. But your own health and well-being is the most important thing here, for you and your family.

So good luck and enjoy riding your bike!!

[zoom-zoom]

She admitted that she never really intended to complete the century and thought that we would all back out once the distances increased. Even after all of our discussions she still insisted that we must always stick together. She compared riding with her to going for a ride with our children. We wouldn't leave them behind. I told her that I would not go on a training ride with my children.

Are her eyes brown? 'Cause she's full of sh!t. I could not be friends with someone so passive-aggressive and immature. I don't have patience for pettiness and drama from my FRIENDS. Perhaps you are a better woman than I...I would drop her on the bike and on a personal level, as well.

[Tri Girl]

WOW
She's acting like a child, so like a child, she should be left at home on training rides.

I hope she comes through, but she is far too selfish to keep you from attaining your goals.
Train like you need to FOR YOU!

[Crankin]

I just can't understand why someone would purposefully want to ride in an event with those that are faster, if she can't accept being alone for most of the ride. This will breed deep resentment. The fact that she "thought you wouldn't follow through," is just, well, strange.
I get upset when others, all of a sudden, speed up and leave me in the dust. It just reminds me of my weaknesses. But, the people I ride with don't do this. They either ride about the same speed as me, or a little faster, or slower. There are some days DH pushes me to my limit, but I know when those days are; usually I set the limits in the beginning of the ride.
This thread just emphasizes the reason why it's important to find riding partners or groups who have the same goals as you do, or enjoy riding alone. Everyone has expectations of what will happen on a ride, and I find that it goes best when they are clearly delineated before the start.
It's funny, I nordic ski with people who are clearly better than me and it doesn't bother me as much. I feel like I am still working to get there and have seen a lot of progress. For some reason, cycling evokes more "feelings" about this. I say I'm not competitive, but I am in some ways. Not racer competitive, but competitive. I am betting that this is what your friend is feeling. She probably wants to ride like you, but for some reason, can't or won't put in the time.
I ride with a friend who is sort of like that. She makes it clear she will never be as fast as me, and she doesn't even try. My rides with her are just fun and I certainly won't let the friendship die over this. We were friends long before she started riding. I get annoyed occasionally, but then I get over it.

[Catrin]

Andi - good for you for knowing what is important to you and not letting your health and goals get set aside over this very passive-aggressive person. Train like you need to in order to meet your goals. I hope your friend surprises everyone - including herself - and makes it, but do what you need to do.

I am not a fast rider, probably never will be. I accept that and do the best I can - I ride all-day-long, but I do wind up riding alone on group rides. That is fine, it doesn't bother me - and I don't expect friends to slow down to ride with me. Occasionally someone does ride with me for a time, and that is great, but it doesn't ruin my ride, day, or mood, when they return to their usual riding speed