Eating disorders?

[sunrise]

Thank you all for the help, support, and advice here. I really appreciate it.

I had my first race of the season this morning and did worse than I ever have before. I had a feeling I would do poorly -- I have had little motivation and/or energy to train lately, but everybody kept telling me I looked "great," stronger than I ever had before, etc., and I guess I just wanted to believe them.

I did not feel "great", strong, anything positive at all. I came very close to dropping out, and it took all I could to not cry as I (eventually) crossed the finish line. I didn't even finish with the peloton and that alone time during the race was absolutely miserable.

I couldn't stop thinking that I did this all to myself, knowing full-well that it wouldn't improve anything. I have been down this path before. I know that I can't expect to do well if I don't provide my body the fuel it needs. But, I can't seem to actually comprehend it because I am still so stuck on the weight loss -- I can't believe I can be 30 pounds lighter and still be slower.

I am frustrated. Disappointed. After my experience this morning, it's very clear to me that I'm not in any shape to race right now. It's not something I was completely oblivious to, but I don't think I fully believed it. Now, after the undeniable evidence this morning, I am finally starting to accept it.

I think I'm going to try taking a bit of time off from racing. I will likely write the letter (anonymously, or non-anonymously, I haven't decided yet). I may switch up my treatment here -- I will be able to afford more, if I am not spending that money on training/race expenses. I think I'll look into some recreational cycling opportunities too.