Eating disorders?

[sunrise]

Thank you all for the help, support, and advice here. I really appreciate it.

I had my first race of the season this morning and did worse than I ever have before. I had a feeling I would do poorly -- I have had little motivation and/or energy to train lately, but everybody kept telling me I looked "great," stronger than I ever had before, etc., and I guess I just wanted to believe them.

I did not feel "great", strong, anything positive at all. I came very close to dropping out, and it took all I could to not cry as I (eventually) crossed the finish line. I didn't even finish with the peloton and that alone time during the race was absolutely miserable.

I couldn't stop thinking that I did this all to myself, knowing full-well that it wouldn't improve anything. I have been down this path before. I know that I can't expect to do well if I don't provide my body the fuel it needs. But, I can't seem to actually comprehend it because I am still so stuck on the weight loss -- I can't believe I can be 30 pounds lighter and still be slower.

I am frustrated. Disappointed. After my experience this morning, it's very clear to me that I'm not in any shape to race right now. It's not something I was completely oblivious to, but I don't think I fully believed it. Now, after the undeniable evidence this morning, I am finally starting to accept it.

I think I'm going to try taking a bit of time off from racing. I will likely write the letter (anonymously, or non-anonymously, I haven't decided yet). I may switch up my treatment here -- I will be able to afford more, if I am not spending that money on training/race expenses. I think I'll look into some recreational cycling opportunities too.

[redrhodie]

(((sunrise))) I'm sorry about your race, but at least you learned from it, confirmed some suspicions. You're a strong person. You're going to get through this. Take some time to get back to a healthy place, then see if you want to race. You need to nurture that mojo back.

Remember that food is energy. It's like gassing up the car. I remember that taking zinc helped me when I was having the hardest time eating (I had signs of deficiency, including loss of appetite, and loss of taste and smell, which contributed to not being able to make myself eat). I eat a lot of dairy and nuts now, but back then I took it in lozenge form, since I wasn't eating enough to get enough from food.

The other day in my lbs, I ran into a guy I know who races. I mentioned to him that he looked really skinny, and he thanked me. The thing is, I didn't mean it as a compliment. I thought he looked too skinny. He assumed I meant he looked good. He really didn't. At that point, I thought correcting him would be insulting. Ugh. Now I'm hoping I haven't made him think he should lose even more weight. It's such a weird thing to comment on someone's weight. I probably shouldn't have said anything, but it was a little shocking to see him look that thin, and it just came out. I have one of those mouths that always has a foot in it.

[Susan]

Hey Sunrise, I understand that you feel disappointed, but maybe you can also see it from a different perspective. In the end, isn't it a good thing that it doesn't make sense to be too skinny and that you do better performance-wise when you actually feel better? That way you can feel good and know that your body feels and performs better too. It would be really concerning if you could just drop 30 pounds of your body and still be as strong or even stronger than before. Your body is a beautiful machine, it's not built with such masses of empty "excess" weight that you can just drop without consequences, wouldn't make sense, would it
As disappointing as the race may have been, now you know you can trust yourself and should have done that in the first place - that's a good thing.
Feel hugged, be good to yourself, things will get better