Single Mom + Triathlon training = Guiltfest…

[lovebug]

I recently discovered the Team Estrogen forums as I was purchasing my first ever road bike, as I’m training to do my first triathlons this year – the different advice given by many users on these forums was priceless and I am now the proud owner of my very own carbon/aluminum Campagnolo equipped bike.

Because of the great advice and open and engaging community, I’m now writing my own post as I need to hear from other like-minded women about a delicate balance: being a single mom and training for triathlons.

I started running two years ago and have participated in several races. I did three half marathons last year and was happy with my times, and then I saw X-Terra… I totally dug the off-road triathlon scene, and decided I wanted to participate in 2011, but figured that I’d be better off doing a few “normal” short distance triathlons before. I joined my local triathlon club and started training in November, and totally love training for three different sports, but it IS very time consuming.

I’ve been divorced for 6 years, and my children are now 10 and 11, turning 11 and 12 this year. Their dad lives nearby, but takes them one weekend out of two and for a few weeks of holidays a year. I’ve been on a roller-coaster relationship with my (current?) (ex?) boyfriend for 5 years. When I signed up for the triathlon team, my boyfriend and I were together, and I knew I could count on him to take care of the kids while I was training. A month later, we split up, and I had to organize myself differently. I got my ex-mother in law to come take care of the kids one evening a week for swim training, and brought the kids over to their dad’s place another evening for the run training, and then I go swimming on the weekends when the kids are with their dad. Bike practice hasn’t started yet but it’s supposed to be during the weekend.

We got back together and then split up again just two days ago, so I’m back to square one. Unfortunately, one of the reasons why I keep going back to this bad relationship is that I’m scared to be alone. He’s not an entirely bad guy (don’t worry, no abuse going on here) but I know that I’d be better off alone for a while. So now, I need to figure out how I can keep training, which is something that I love and need, but the guilt is starting to kill me in advance! Let me explain…

I feel guilty about a lot of things in general, and am working on that in therapy, but I currently have two choices: either I help my kids become independent for one swim training a week, or I drop swim training and only get it in one weekend out of two when they’re with their dad. Re-reading myself, I have this feeling that I’m making a mountain out of an anthill, but maybe somebody can relate? Luckily the triathlon club offers swim training in the evening or very early in the morning, I coached the kids to stay alone for the 2.5 hours that I needed in the evening, but it’s right before bed time and they didn’t like that, so after talking about it with them, we’re now going to try the morning training, which means that I’m gone before they get up and they have to get ready and go to school alone. The swim session finishes just 30 minutes before school starts, so I’ll be able to quickly call and make sure everything’s fine before they head out.

I can’t afford to hire a babysitter, but live in an apartment building where I can count on neighbors to be available if there’s a problem.

That was a very long-winded post but I felt that it was necessary to explain the background to give y’all a complete picture.

I would love to hear from other mothers/stepmothers/caregivers that have children to take care of and have to balance that with your love of sports and training for one or several!

All the best,
lovebug

[lph]

I'm not a single mom, and I only have one child, but this is a question I'm sure many of us have had to consider in some way. A few thoughts I've considered on the way:
- only you can decide what your priorities are, there is no single perfect solution. I need way more sleep and down time than many other people, while others again might find my schedule incredibly stressful.
- often you need a little perspective to really see how you use your time, and consider if that's in synch with the way you want it. If this is going to be your situation for a while, I'd really recommend (i.e. this worked for me) taking a few hours at some point to "time budget" a regular week, writing down how much time you actually have and use for work, sleeping, training, being with your kids.
- family and kids past the baby stage rarely "demand" time, the way work and training with a group do. It's very easy to let time with your family by default be the time you don't "have to" do something else, which means that that time is vulnerable.
- there is nothing wrong with letting other people help you or join in in raising your kids, and there is great value in teaching your kids to be self-sufficient. If you are unsure of your motives for leaving them alone, maybe consider if you would have done so even if you didn't have a training session to go to, purely for the benefit of learning independence.
- yes, kids are top priority, but they don't have to have first priority all the time. Generally speaking, kids are adaptable, and if they feel that they have your love, attention and focus in life, the actual number of hours you see them isn't that important.
- give a little thought to where you will be and how old your kids will be in a few years. I suddenly realized that I right now have a bright, chatty, affectionate 13-yr.old, and in maybe just 1 or 2 years I could have a sullen teenager who will barely talk to me, let along listen to me or spend time with me.

Make of this what you will

PS. I didn't answer your question at all, I see... Personally I think age 10-11 is old enough to fix breakfast and get to school alone once a week, no problem. They may need some help getting started, but they'll be so proud of managing it.

[Biciclista]

If you really don't have the support system you need (a steady boyfriend or a husband) you are going to end up somewhere along the way stuck... What gives? The Triathlon or kids?

I think you have options, and maybe you can pull this off, but will you ever forgive yourself if your support net fails and your kids get the short end?

I think you're at risk of over extending yourself. you can only do so much. I think a tri would be hard enough with a fully supportive partner!
On the other hand, count your blessings. My daughter in law with 2 kids the same ages as you and yours is wondering where she's going to get health insurance once her divorce is final...

[NbyNW]

Only you can figure out what works for you and your family. I can appreciate that it may be difficult to strike the right balance. You may need to adjust your plans, your timeline, or your goals.

If your kids are ready for the kind of independence and responsibility that you're talking about, brava! But really, only you can make that call.

[channlluv]

Since Dad lives nearby, could he take them one night a week and get them to school the next day? It would free up one morning for training.

Barring that, I'd go over the morning routine with them in detail the night before. Homework? Done. Clothes? Laid out. Breakfast? Ready to prepare - something that doesn't require cooking, of course. Cereal, maybe, or toaster waffles with PB&J. Lunches? Made ahead the night before and ready to go out the door. Backpacks? Loaded and ready by the door.

I think if they're used to getting up and ready to go by themselves -- maybe even do a trial run one morning, or let them start doing it all for themselves every morning, whether you're there or not -- they'd be okay.

I think my 12-year-old would still be in bed if I called after my workout.

Be really careful, though. Once upon a time I was a social worker in Florida and one of the things I learned there is that it is (was?) illegal for children under the age of 14 to stay home alone and unsupervised. (Not that people don't do it.)

Would a next-door neighbor check in with them in the morning to make sure they're up and fed?

Roxy

[indysteel]

Most, but not all, states have a law regulating at what age children can be left alone. The age varies quite a bit from state to state. This general issue came up in another forum I frequent, in which I posted a link that was a compilationof each state's law. I'll have to see if I can find it.

[limewave]

Lovebug, what a tough place to be. I understand your desire to do triathlons, to train and to do more. With kids and little support, it can feel like you are anchored, trapped even. Your children may be a little young to be home by themselves yet, but in a year or two, things will be quite different. Have you considered putting your goals on hold for a little while? And in the mean time, do what you can. Think of it as "base-training." (That's what I'm telling myself anyways).

I really, really, want to do some triathlons and eventually do an Ironman myself, but with two young children, it's just unrealistic for me to carve out that kind of training time. I'm hoping to run a a marathon this year, and its going to be a real challenge to squeeze in the long runs. And most of my bike training is on the trainer--even in the summer. It's not my first choice, but there are many days that the only time I can train is late at night and I can't leave the kids home alone.

[bouncybouncy]

I agree with limewave here...seems like another year or two will give them ample time to grow into that age where they should start doing things themselves (morning routines like channlluv said)

That being said, it does not mean you have to bag your training just don't feel the need to stick to a rigid schedule until your kids are more independent.

Another note, I used to lap swim at a pool that would rope off half the pool for lessons and the other half for lap-swim. Maybe your area might offer something similar? Also, our YMCA has a great summer kids camp that the kids are in, giving you a few hours to train in the pool, treadmill (dreadmill in my mind, but if it is all you have!) and/or spinning classes! This would keep you in great shape and "train-ready" when the time comes you can devote yourself to a schedule...

my $0.02...Good Luck and don't stop getting out there when you can!!!

[Chinook]

Excuse my ignorance for the correct terminology - but couldn't you share babysitting with other single mothers in your community? A single mother babysitting co-op?