growing up.. rambling

[indysteel]

Well said, Indy.

I think that kids are adorable (usually), but there's a limit to my stress management abilities and patience, combined with the requirements of my own healthcare.

I just wish that people would stop asking me about it. *sighs*

Thanks, and agreed. When I was still sort of on the fence about it, I really hated when people would just dismiss any concern on my part about my advancing age. Apparently, they think because a few celebrities get pregnant after the age of 40, then it's simply a non-issue. Ugh. I really don't feel like having to explain the ins and outs of fertility, the costs of in vitro, the side effects of fertility drugs, birth defects or the like. Nor do I want to explain why I don't want to put my body through a pregnancy at this age. The bottom line is that the decision to have or not have kids is intensely personal. It's rare that I ever offer any opinion about it other than my own.

I feel most sorry for my DH because he's younger than me, and I'm sure most of his friends and family expect him to have kids. Of course, they probably scratched their heads when he married me in the first place. His parents haven't pressed us yet. I'm happy to have a conversation with them about it. In fact I'd prefer that to any kind of passive-aggressive nonsense. I can't precisely predict how they'll react. They were actually pretty cool about our age difference, but I also know that their retirement is the absolute antithesis of what I want my own to look like, so I'm not sure they're going to really appreciate the plus side of being childless either.

For better or for worse, my parents couldn't care less. They've expressed no desire to grandparent. Heck, they barely expressed a desire to parent, so this comes as no surprise.

[limewave]

I do feel like I missed out on something having never experienced pregnancy, but I'm not a fool to think I could be pregnant and then not raise children.

You didn't miss a thing. Trust me. Just back aches, cracked ribs (from the baby pushing on them), roller coaster mood swings, getting up to pee 5 times a night, feeling like your body has been invaded by aliens, and, of course, the grand finale----youch. I HATED being pregnant.

[badger]

GLC, I admit I don't like kids, either, especially babies. All they seem to do is wiggle, sleep, pee/poo/barf, cry, and just pretty much suck everything out of the mother (sorry, no offense to those who have babies!) Kids around 7 years of age get fun, though, as they start to ask good questions.

I have a co-worker who is a month older than me and is pregnant with her first child due in May. She's admitted that she didn't want kids but her husband does, so she's essentially doing this "for him". I do hope she'll fall in love with the child or she's going to grow up feeling she wasn't really wanted. My mother had kids because that was expected of her. If she was my peer, she wouldn't have had kids, and let's just say I felt the resentment while growing up.

My boyfriend is much like me and very ambivalent about having kids. I would think if he was hankering to be a dad, then I'll probably be on board as well, but with him like me, there really is no burning desire.

My mother's pretty good, she's only mentioned it once about my not having kids. She said I should, because when I'm older, it'll be lonely without them. Just because I have a child/ren doesn't mean they'll like me (and vice versa) enough to stick around in my old age!!

[GLC1968]

Badger - funny you should say that about your mom not really wanting kids. And Indysteel's not wanting to be parents.

My situation was similiar. My mom had no desire to be a parent, either. In fact, she also only did it because it was expected of her and I know there were plenty of times in her life where she seriously regretted not doing some of the things she'd originally set out to do. I know that she loved us, and that she was happy to have us and she was a good parent (both of my parents were), but motherhood was not her first choice and I think that was pretty clear to me as a child. I think this is a big contributor to my own lack of desire to have children.

Well, that and my general affection for solitude.

[OakLeaf]

I could almost have written everything you said, indysteel.

With the exception that right now I'm really not giving my time back, either. I'm not happy about that. I'm hoping to work something out here in the next few months where I'll be able to do some volunteering. Being useful is where I feel a huge hole in my life ... I don't miss not having children. There was a time when I thought I might have children, but it would've been the wrong decision for the hypothetical children, even more than for myself.

[indysteel]

What I'm REALLY struggling with right now is the fact that I am extremely unhappy with the volunteering I'm doing. I believe in the cause, but serving on a board has been far less than gratifying, especially since I think the organization of the NFP in question is seriously lacking. I find myself incredibly angry and frustrated with it. So, I'm trying to decide on when to jump ship. My original 3-year term is over in April, and it may be the best time for me to resign--if I can even last that long.

From there, I'll need to find something else to do. I'd prefer to align myself with an NFP where I now live. That might be a good way for me to meet some locals, too. That's something I've struggled to do. It would be a win-win if I could help somebody and make a friend.

[badger]

I volunteer quite a bit with the causes I believe in, mainly animal rescue. I've been going to the spca hospital for the past 10 years, and I'm helping out with a Taiwanese dog rescue group; help the adopting family meet their new family members at the airport.

I used to also volunteer at the local aquarium, which I desperately miss. I used to feed the tropical fishes like trumpet lion, stone fishes, and moray eels. Uber cool. I just didn't have time for that one anymore as it took up most of my Sunday afternoons.

edit to add: sorry if this may have sounded like "I volunteer, nyah nyah". I guess that's the self-centeredness showing through!

[PamNY]

I've been going to the spca hospital for the past 10 years, and I'm helping out with a Taiwanese dog rescue group; help the adopting family meet their new family members at the airport. .

What do you do at the hospital? I've been thinking about volunteering at the ASPCA hospital.

[badger]

What do you do at the hospital? I've been thinking about volunteering at the ASPCA hospital.

mostly cleaning kennels, walking hospitalized dogs, helping the vet techs with procedures (holding the animal, shaving hair), feeding, and laundry. It also helps to know the techs and the vets regarding my own animals.

There are some downsides to working there, like seeing a few animals in there due to humans.

Is the ASPCA hospital you're thinking of a large institution?

[Crankin]

It is not a sin to not want to have kids or say you don't like kids. It really gets me mad when people think this way, or have the nerve to comment on the state of someone's childlessness. Why do people think all women want kids or are enamored of the whole motherhood thing?
My kids were very wanted and planned, but there was a time when my DH was extremely close to having himself fixed, because I decided I didn't want kids. I was going to be a professor... until one day I stood in the ASU bookstore and got totally obsessed by the books about pregancy and babies. I never could have predicted it. I had excellent parents, so it wasn't that; I just knew I was not willing to give up my whole life. And, I didn't. Believe me, I heard about that. I fully admit to liking my own kids more and more as they grew up. Babies and toddlers, well, that was a stage to get through, until the real fun began.
In retrospect, I did what was best for me, as far as both my mental and physical health went. I married someone who is an excellent parent, despite coming from an abusive home. We were young and had the energy, so it worked out. I think, though, my younger son might say I was a little selfish, but he was a difficult kid when he was young. I often think having one kid might have been a better choice for me, but he was the one that kept us laughing. And now, people are asking me if I want to be a grandmother!! Jeez, it never stops. I quite emphatically say no to that, because at this point, I really do not care.
And besides, how can you be a grandmother when you still feel like a kid?

[PamNY]

Is the ASPCA hospital you're thinking of a large institution?

Yes, it's large. Also quite a subway ride/walk to get there. I'm still hoping to find something closer to home. Still, I would like to do all the things you describe.

I think I've got the skills to deal with bad stuff, though it is never easy.

[badger]

I actually started volunteering at a vet clinic when I was 6. My hamster wasn't well and a new vet clinic opened up down the street with a brand-spanking new veterinarian fresh out of school.

My hammy died, but I was absolutely hooked. I've been wanting to be a vet ever since. He let me "assist" during surgery (adjusting the light, giving him some instruments), and just hang out with him after school and "help" him with the animals. He eventually turned his clinic into a major hospital and I'm thinking he's probably retired now (this was another time and another place on another continent).

But I digress... you can probably volunteer at any vet clinic you feel some comraderie with.

[jessmarimba]

I think since the 80's when parents wanted to be hip themselves and much rather be their kids friends than parents, we have allowed kids to be indulged much too much - anything than wanted they got; nothing was earned; every desire was granted; nothing was appreciated. Now we have several generations of adults who don't know how to deny themselves and when they dont get what they want, become depressed and angry about it just like any 2 year old. Think about it? Is that really desirable and attractive?.

Stereotype much?

I was born in the 80s. I paid for my college, I have a job, a house, a paid-off car, health insurance, the works. Though I might not have the nicest bikes, the medical bills from my wreck this summer are completely paid off.

The 50+ year-old woman who wrecked while I was still in the hospital had a brand-new high-end mountain bike, but no insurance or savings, while participating in a sport with a history of "when" you'll get hurt, not "if." I attended a ridiculous number of events attempting to raise money for additional elective surgeries when her original bills will mostly be written-off to charity.

I don't care how responsible/irresponsible or mature/immature people are at any age, but no one should have to pay for the high-risk lifestyle besides the risk takers themselves.

[Owlie]

I hear some odd things from some people about my choices in life, especially from my DBF's academically-uninclined family and their friends. It's like they view graduate school as a means of escaping the real world for another four years. If it's mentioned that I'm not intending to get either a resume-enhancing masters or a professional degree, I get asked "So why are you going to graduate school? What are you going to do with that?"

No, it's not extreme sports, but people seem to view it like it's College: Part II and a means of avoiding real work and responsibility.

And since we're on the topic, I don't want kids. I don't like kids. I don't want to give up my life and career to reproduce. I don't have the patience or stress tolerance to deal with them. Knowing my luck, they'd turn out like me. I was obnoxious until I was 16 or 17. I don't want to deal with that!

[Irulan]

Stereotype much?

I was born in the 80s. I paid for my college, I have a job, a house, a paid-off car, health insurance, the works. Though I might not have the nicest bikes, the medical bills from my wreck this summer are completely paid off.

The 50+ year-old woman who wrecked while I was still in the hospital had a brand-new high-end mountain bike, but no insurance or savings, while participating in a sport with a history of "when" you'll get hurt, not "if." I attended a ridiculous number of events attempting to raise money for additional elective surgeries when her original bills will mostly be written-off to charity.

I don't care how responsible/irresponsible or mature/immature people are at any age, but no one should have to pay for the high-risk lifestyle besides the risk takers themselves.

Yep. I recall an incident when I was going first aid at some NORBA world cup mountain bike DH races. A guy wrecks ( big surprise) and due to the nature of the potential head injuries, they were going to helicopter him off the mountain. The gf is in tears, "do we have to? We don't have any insurance!!" I mean, wtf, racing DH mountain biking without health insurance? Al least we keep good health and life policies in place with my and DH 's crazy antics.