growing up.. rambling

[Deborajen]

If the guy being written about has a tattoo that says "I don't want to grow up," I'd assume he doesn't feel grown up - and he's o.k. with it - ? My dad has always joked that he doesn't want to grow up. He flies sailplanes and refers to them as his "toys." Dad helped raise four kids, he was serious about his responsibilities but he also liked to "play" - flying. So what? Sounds to me like the author might be jealous or have no sense of humor - he needs to lighten up!

As far as trying to stir things up by saying people are getting more concerned about their bodies than their souls, well, like a lot of people, the author just doesn't get it. Staying active and fit are good things, and physical activity isn't necessarily all about the body. Physical activity produces endorphins - we at TE know what good those do, don't we? For me, if I'm going to live to be in my 80's or 90's like my grandparents, turning 40, which people like to refer to as "over the hill," is only around the midpoint and I don't intend to spend over half my life being inactive and letting the body go. Now if the author had referenced people getting divorced and walking out on spouse and kids so they can go off and do extreme sports that get them into trouble to where they have to be rescued, putting rescuers in danger and costing taxpayers a lot of money and raising everyone's insurance premiums, now that would be selfish, irresponsible, and definitely "not grown up" - in a bad way. But, like I said before, I think the author just doesn't get it. A lot of people don't. We can't make them, either. Their loss. It sells newspapers.--

[limewave]

I'm going to throw in my 2-cents:

It goes back to when we were kids and told that people "put-down" others to "elevate" themselves. I believe there's an element of jealousy.

Wouldn't we all just love to feel young and free and not have the weight of responsibility holding us down?

I have a lot of friends in their 30's and 40's that are choosing to either stay single or not have kids because they have active lifestyles that they love. They don't want to give that up. Does that mean they aren't grown-up? No, I think it just means they know themselves, know what they want, and are making those decisions for themselves. It's great!

To me, not being "grown-up" would mean you don't take responsibility for yourself. It has nothing to do with what positive activities you fill your life with.

[badger]

I didn't read all 4 pages, so hopefully I'm not repeating what someone's said or completely off the mark.

It really is an interesting discussing as to what exactly being grown up means.

I'm turning 40 later in March this year. While I was in my late teens and all of my twenties, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be married and childless. But as I entered my thirties, I really started questioning whether I really wanted kids. With them comes all sorts of responsibility I may not want to shoulder.

Now that I'm hitting 40 and soon it won't be a choice anymore to not have kids. I'm hoping I won't regret it, but it's not like I have a burning desire to be a mother.

I went snowboarding over the weekend and my mother commented that all I seem to do is play, but is that so wrong? Like the guy in the article, I'm gainfully employed, own my own place, pay my taxes and haven't been in trouble with the law or anything. I just happen to not taken the road of becoming a wife and mother.

I think we're becoming very self-focused these days, "what can we do to make our lives better?" instead of in the past "what can I do to make my family's life better?" And for those who choose not to have a family, is it so wrong to do things that make our lives better?

[indysteel]

I didn't read all 4 pages, so hopefully I'm not repeating what someone's said or completely off the mark.

It really is an interesting discussing as to what exactly being grown up means.

I'm turning 40 later in March this year. While I was in my late teens and all of my twenties, it never crossed my mind that I wouldn't be married and childless. But as I entered my thirties, I really started questioning whether I really wanted kids. With them comes all sorts of responsibility I may not want to shoulder.

Now that I'm hitting 40 and soon it won't be a choice anymore to not have kids. I'm hoping I won't regret it, but it's not like I have a burning desire to be a mother.

I went snowboarding over the weekend and my mother commented that all I seem to do is play, but is that so wrong? Like the guy in the article, I'm gainfully employed, own my own place, pay my taxes and haven't been in trouble with the law or anything. I just happen to not taken the road of becoming a wife and mother.

I think we're becoming very self-focused these days, "what can we do to make our lives better?" instead of in the past "what can I do to make my family's life better?" And for those who choose not to have a family, is it so wrong to do things that make our lives better?

I've struggled with some of these same questions. I didn't get married until I was approaching 41. Even before that, I was lukewarm at best about having children. I just didn't feel a huge desire for it. Growing up in a less than loving home may have something to do with that, but I don't think it fully explains my ambivalence. I recognized a long time ago that I can only handle so much stress before I go off the deep end. While I've learned how better to cope with stress, I think my breaking point is still far lower than I generally think is necessary to be an effective parent. So, while I feel like it's out of selfishness than I've decided against kids, it's a selfless act, too.

In any event, my DH and I have decided to remain childless (at least that's the plan). I feel confident in my decision, as does he, and there's a lot that we look forward to doing that likely will be a lot easier to do without children. I recognize that no big decision is wholly without regret, but I'm pretty comfortable with the occasional moments of doubt or wistfulness. My friends' toddlers usually jolt me out of it pretty quickly.

That said, I do think it's important to contribute to my community and to address needs other than my own. To that end, I do spend a fair amount of time doing volunteer work. I also strive to be a socially conscious and responsible person, too. When I can, I try to help out my friends with kids and to be supportive of the challenges they face. I kind of like a good "aunt." And I do what I can for children of the four-legged variety. In the end, I feel like I'm doing my part in my community, with or without some of the traditional vestiges of grown up life.

[Becky]

Well said, Indy.

I think that kids are adorable (usually), but there's a limit to my stress management abilities and patience, combined with the requirements of my own healthcare.

I just wish that people would stop asking me about it. *sighs*

[GLC1968]

See, and I grew up in a very, very happy home, had both parents to love and look after me, I played with babydolls as a child, and yet as I approached adulthood, I just didn't want kids.

In my case, it's not a fear of being a good parent (I think I'd make an exellent one, actually - and I handle stress remarkably well), it's just that I never felt any desire to raise my own children. And I know it's practically a sin to admit it, but I don't really like kids. Hell, I didn't like kids even when I WAS a kid! I do feel like I missed out on something having never experienced pregnancy, but I'm not a fool to think I could be pregnant and then not raise children. I'm pretty sure one follows the other!

Then I married a man who also didn't want kids, and my fate was kind of sealed.

Of course, now as I approach my 43rd birthday, I find myself thinking 'what if' quite a bit more than I had expected...

[limewave]

I do feel like I missed out on something having never experienced pregnancy, but I'm not a fool to think I could be pregnant and then not raise children.

You didn't miss a thing. Trust me. Just back aches, cracked ribs (from the baby pushing on them), roller coaster mood swings, getting up to pee 5 times a night, feeling like your body has been invaded by aliens, and, of course, the grand finale----youch. I HATED being pregnant.

[indysteel]

Well said, Indy.

I think that kids are adorable (usually), but there's a limit to my stress management abilities and patience, combined with the requirements of my own healthcare.

I just wish that people would stop asking me about it. *sighs*

Thanks, and agreed. When I was still sort of on the fence about it, I really hated when people would just dismiss any concern on my part about my advancing age. Apparently, they think because a few celebrities get pregnant after the age of 40, then it's simply a non-issue. Ugh. I really don't feel like having to explain the ins and outs of fertility, the costs of in vitro, the side effects of fertility drugs, birth defects or the like. Nor do I want to explain why I don't want to put my body through a pregnancy at this age. The bottom line is that the decision to have or not have kids is intensely personal. It's rare that I ever offer any opinion about it other than my own.

I feel most sorry for my DH because he's younger than me, and I'm sure most of his friends and family expect him to have kids. Of course, they probably scratched their heads when he married me in the first place. His parents haven't pressed us yet. I'm happy to have a conversation with them about it. In fact I'd prefer that to any kind of passive-aggressive nonsense. I can't precisely predict how they'll react. They were actually pretty cool about our age difference, but I also know that their retirement is the absolute antithesis of what I want my own to look like, so I'm not sure they're going to really appreciate the plus side of being childless either.

For better or for worse, my parents couldn't care less. They've expressed no desire to grandparent. Heck, they barely expressed a desire to parent, so this comes as no surprise.