I have slightly similar family junk. My father passed away a couple of years ago of lung cancer. We were VERY close when I was young, but after I got into adulthood, things certainly changed. Anyway...things happened over the years & hadn't talked to him for almost 3 years when I found out he had cancer. I was able to be with him for a few months & then he was gone. *fighting back tears* Anyway, I got to tell him how sorry I was & he was conherent enough to apologize as well. In the end, we both knew that we loved each other. I still regret being so hard headed (he was too). *ok...crying now* I still to this day wish I could have been there through the years that I missed. He missed mine as well. I found out after he passed that he talked about me a lot & kept pictures of me, letters from me, etc. If I would have only known. Anyway, I guess what I'm trying to say is that even though we weren't all that close, I still loved him very much. I'm sure you feel very much the same way. So...I say, grieve (I certain did & still do from time to time), but don't be down for too long. I don't think your dad would really want it that way. Just always remember that the way he was raised or things that happened to him in his past could have made him the man he was. Love him for the good memories.