Over the break I used the positive cognition a LOT. I walked & ran a lot, and I got a little of that anxiety when cars overtook me, so I used the mantra "I am safe, I am loved" when I got that anxiety. I also practiced it at bedtime and waking up.

On Monday I decided to ride to the pool. I pretended like it was no big deal. By that I mean that I frantically thought about anything else in the world besides the fact that I was getting on my bike for the first time in a month. Right away there was an overtaking vehicle and the anxiety came on just as strong as before. It took my breath away nearly. Then I remembered what I was supposed to do, use the mantra, and doing it distracted me from the anxiety.

Having practiced it so much with walking & running really paid off. After that first big wave of anxiety, I haven't had another like that, just little bits of it which are easily fended off. And in between I'm enjoying riding, because I got monkey lights for Christmas and they are BEAUTIFUL, and the sunset tonight had a stream of pink light shooting up through a cloud which was beautiful. And a (an?) opossum ran away from me.

The other thing was flashbacks, and I haven't had nearly as many of those. I did have one on my bike and I was able to think back and figure out what triggered it--it was just a big mack truck that had kind of resembled a fire truck. Silly. Anyway when I caught myself in the flashback I went back to the mantra.

As far as journaling, I've found that difficult, which is odd because I love to write (and talk) and I've kept a journal in the past with no difficulty. The reluctance is because I know I ought to write about the wreck and I still don't want to think about it. But one day I wrote about a topic that peripherally touched on an aspect of the wreck, and I got really angry again at the officer who didn't give anyone a ticket. My heart was pounding and my face was hot, I was so angry. I put the journal away immediately. Then a few days later when I came back to it--I wasn't angry at him anymore.

I've biked every day this week. I am hesitant to say I'm back on the bike, because I thought I was before, but it's looking good.

I had my second appointment with her today. I hadn't been sure I'd go back to her, because I wasn't totally impressed, but her 2 suggestions had been very helpful so I was willing to go. I was a little leery of the 3rd suggestion, because I don't want to remember the wreck at all. But she said I was doing very well and didn't need to come back, in fact it was only a half session today. So I don't have to do the remembering the wreck.

Not sure how I feel about that. She's taking my word for it that I'm ok, and I don't know that I trust my judgment. She did say that I might improve steadily for a while and then have some days that get worse, but overall I'll probably continue to improve. And that if it turns out that isn't going so well to give her a call.

She also said at some point well after this (like after this wreck is well behind me) I should probably investigate my feelings about the car wrecks that have killed my little cousin & a classmate here & there, because she thinks I took up bicycling as a way to have control over those fatal wrecks.

Even if I have to stop again at some point, it's good to be riding my bike for now.