I'm sorry but...

[PamNY]

The phrase "I'm sorry but..." sends me over the edge. Anyone else? It used to seem that only women said this, but now I've heard/seen it more and more from men.

I don't know why this perturbs me so much. I suppose it relates to the idea that women need to soften negative or critical comments.

I usually don't fret over trivia and I certainly don't whine about it online. But I'm consumed with curiosity over whether others are bothered by this.

[Melalvai]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

[ny biker]

I never notice anyone saying it.

[pll]

I've heard it many times, in different versions. I think it tries to soften what comes next, to defuse the confrontation aspect, and some people make a habit of it. When I was a grad student, there was faculty member known to preface all criticism with a compliment. The more complimentary his initial comment was, the worse the disemboweling of the speaker would be...

[gnat23]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

[pll]

It strikes me as a manipulative phrase.
The term "bless his heart" used when insulting someone cracks me up, although it would seem to serve the same purpose as "I'm sorry but". Maybe it's because I can believe that the speaker genuinely feels positively toward the person despite the flaw she is about to point out when she says "Bless his heart", while "I'm sorry but" seems hypocritical. The speaker is clearly not sorry at all.

I read it differently. The "bless his heart" is typically used behind someone's back and I find it condescending (bless his heart, he is does not know any better). The "I'm sorry but" can be used more face to face.

[shootingstar]

Probably said way more often by people than I realize.

But then, in light of bigger stuff, to me, not worth frettin'.

I'm a more direct person and I know for certain this can bug some folks. So hope not to fall into "I'm sorry" trap.

Maybe better focus on finding a good thing to say to someone after delivering a more negative comment? Someone said to me that complimenting a person is tougher than..finding negative stuff to say these days.

[lph]

Depending on how it's said, it can sound very self-righteous. Because when someone busts out, not sounding sorry at all, with a loud and indignant "I'm sorry, but...!" it sort of comes out more like "Well, I'm sorry that I have to be pushed to say this, because Lord knows I don't want to say anything bad about anyone, and I'm usually a kind and considerate person, but this behaviour is just so atrocious that I have to comment on it, you know someone has to stand up for what's right here, even though I'm going to sound mean and inconsiderate..."

I know some of those . Sorry is a pretty easy word to hear the way it's meant...

[Irulan]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

[Kerry1976]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

I couldn't agree more. Drives me nuts when people do this.

[malkin]

I put 'just kidding' in the same category. I guess you could combine them all, I'm sorry and I don't mean to sound racist but *racist insult here*; just kidding.

[Bike Writer]

What lph siad. It really matters what tone it's said in. A real true friend might express their sorrow to another friend and use "but" to add a comforting thought to the sentence. However, I don't believe "but" is necessary because to me it has bad connotations and tries (like others have said) to mitigate the words that come next. Sometimes that is appropriate. Yet tt is far more powerful to simply say to someone I'm sorry. If that is what you mean and then follow it with a new statement without "but". Sorry is powerful enough on it's own.

It reminds me of something I have heard younger kids, say 15 years old and younger that goes like this...."not to be rude or anything, but"...I've heard them telling this to their friends and I find it strange. So does proclaiming that you are not rude mitigate the fact that you are about to do something that is? That logic just cracks me up.

But is only three letters long but it has a pretty big meaning.

[lph]

Oh gawd. I just recalled another mannerism from uh, someone in my close family. "But!" When nobody is listening 'cause we're all fed up, and we're no longer asking polite follow-up questions because it's time for someone else to speak, or at the very least to change the subject... after a short silence this person will just look up and say "But! Did you know, bla-bla-bla" and go on for another twenty minutes. Drives me crazy.

And no, it's not the real "Hey! I just remembered something I have to tell you!" type of "but"...

[Aggie_Ama]

Heh, kinda reminds me of when I hear "I don't mean to sound racist, but..." followed by something particularly racist.

-- gnat!

I know this person! "I don't want to sound racist but I need to find a new apartment complex because there are too many...." Don't worry, you are racist ma'dear.

And Irulan hit it dead on. To me it is the same thing as the person who has an excuse for every shortcoming they have. When I was still in a supervisor role nothing could get you on my watch list quicker than never owning up to anything. I am so glad I don't manage people anymore!

[solobiker]

What I hear when I hear that: "sorry...but'' is someone who is not willing to take full accountability for whatever it is they are attempting to be sorry for. Once you add a justification or explanation, you aren't being accountable. It's an attempt to weasel out of or water down your responsibility. What they are saying is, "I'm not really sorry but i want you to think I am."

I agree with this 100%. Once the "but" is added it pretty much cancels out the sorry.