Depression

[alexis_the_tiny]

Sundial, thanks. I've had a few episodes before starting from when I was about 9 or so. Can't really remember when I became aware of this. You're right, its not something you ever want to feel again.

Apart from a certain level of paranoia setting in yesterday, I FINALLY got a psych appointment for next week. Also, when I tweeted about having to take 8 different supplement pills in a go, my girlfriend tweeted back "WOW, you really can swallow". Nothing like a crass joke to at least lighten things up a bit.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Hi, its me. Again. And its the same old thing. Again. This year, I got a job I love doing, got invited to join a bike team which is just WOW, beyond my wildest everything ever, clocked a 30km/h average speed without drafting anyone on a ride.

BUT I am miserable, furious and insomniac. This should be the BEST YEAR of my life ever. But it is far from the best, in fact, its about the most miserable. I haven't ridden my bike in almost three weeks. I need anti-histamines to help me sleep every single night, otherwise I'm up, exhausted, furious and crying until 4 a.m. in the morning. I can't finish a decent ride because I get so furious with everything I start crying an hour into a ride. Therapy is not helping because I'm so furious I don't even know where to start with it and I no longer feel safe expressing my anger anywhere, even in individual therapy. The worst of it is that I can't talk to anyone about what's causing the fury because I'm afraid someone will find out about it. My first two big races are in June. At first I was psyched about them because you know, new team, great training and all. Now I just feel like I never want to race or ride a bike any more. This really blows.

[indysteel]

(((alexis))). I'm not sure I feel competent to give much advice because, to be honest, what you're experiencing sounds serious. You mentioned previously that you were going to undergo a psyche evaluation. What came from that? Did the doctor change your meds? Are you still being treated by a pyschiatrist? I would call them immediately to alert them to your current issues. You absolutely must tell the professionals in your life that you need help. If you can't do that yourself, tell a trusted friend or family member that you need them to make the call and ASAP. Please don't suffer this degree of pain in silence.

Please take care of yourself and keep us posted.

[alexis_the_tiny]

Indysteel, yeah I was given an evaluation and the conclusion was that I had personality issues and issues with close relationships from having had ADHD-type difficulties in school and the family. They started me on dialetical behavioral therapy and psychotherapy since meds actually aggravated my anxiety. It was going along fine until something happened and triggered off the rage which apparently, none of the coping strategies therapy taught helped. I'm going to give the therapist's office a call and see if they're open today and maybe get an appointment before my next one.

[indysteel]

That sounds like a good plan. To the extent you're feeling very extreme and uncontrollable emotions, I think you need to keep reaching out to your therapist and doctor so that they can keep a close eye on your diagnosis and treatment plan.

Did they ween you off your meds?

[indysteel]

One last question that may see sort of odd, but it's worth asking. Have you recently had your thyroid checked?

[lph]

Wow, alexis, I have no real help to offer, just sympathy. While not as extreme I know through myself and family a bit of what it's like to just have to live with a helluva lot of emotion, like riding an express train going the wrong way when all you wanted to do was not go anywhere.

I really hope you get help to control this! If it were me I'd want to postpone competition until I were more stable, but that may not work for you.

[goldfinch]

Indysteel, yeah I was given an evaluation and the conclusion was that I had personality issues and issues with close relationships from having had ADHD-type difficulties in school and the family. They started me on dialetical behavioral therapy and psychotherapy since meds actually aggravated my anxiety. It was going along fine until something happened and triggered off the rage which apparently, none of the coping strategies therapy taught helped. I'm going to give the therapist's office a call and see if they're open today and maybe get an appointment before my next one.

Tough road. It might help to know that dialetical behavioral therapy (DBT) has some decent research to back it up for treatment of personality disorders. What you are trying to do is "rewire" how you respond to stresses. It takes time to create new mental habits like it takes time to create new exercise habits.

Keep training that mental muscle!

[alexis_the_tiny]

Crankin, my therapist is, well, ok. I've worked with her for quite a few years now. The irony of it all is that this is the second time I've met a guy who was, well, to put it mildly, horrible. And both times, I just hung on thinking its me and completely wasted all my time. Its sort of completely ridiculous because both times, everyone and god saw that the guys were bad and kept telling me to get out. But because I grew up with so many issues, I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous. I can't believe I wasted all my time and energy. Seriously.

[Crankin]

Are you still doing the DBT? Anything that emphasizes mindfulness is going to help. I am a huge believer in it.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM me.

[Irulan]

Crankin, my therapist is, well, ok. I've worked with her for quite a few years now. The irony of it all is that this is the second time I've met a guy who was, well, to put it mildly, horrible. And both times, I just hung on thinking its me and completely wasted all my time. Its sort of completely ridiculous because both times, everyone and god saw that the guys were bad and kept telling me to get out. But because I grew up with so many issues, I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous. I can't believe I wasted all my time and energy. Seriously.

Wow. I would never stick with a therapist who is "well, ok". I mean, this is your life we are talking about ( and your money, presumably). You should really think your therapist is terrific, or find a new one. And yes, I know it's difficult. Ask around. You want to work with someone who will push you to look at the hard things, and make you a little uncomfortable at times. If it's too easy, you won't get anywhere with it.

I'm not going to bore you with my story as I'm sure it's buried here on the forum somewhere.(short version, abused, neglected, PTSD, depressive disorders) I've worked with a couple of really crappy, or "ok" therapists, and I've been very fortunate to work with two really excellent ones who helped me to heal, and grow, and find some real peace in my life.

RE mindfulness helping
1. 12 step work may be appropriate for you
2. Jack Kornfield has some great books on mindfulness and daily practice.


(requoting)

I just kept thinking if I somehow fixed myself, everything would be fine. And both of them told me I had problems and I needed to fix myself for the relationships to work and I believed them. Its, all....quite ridiculous.

Not ridiculous at all. It's absolutely true. Why would you think otherwise? Until we get well, we tend to pick mates that either aggravate, underscore, or reflect our issues.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((alexis)))))))

I'm glad you're reaching out. I hope you can find a place of safety with your therapist where you can start to tell them about all this ... and if not, I hope you can find a therapist you feel safe with.

[alexis_the_tiny]

I think its time for an update now that parts of my life have officially imploded and I can talk. The whole recurrence of anger was because of my partner and the 'discussions' we keep having about where boundaries in the relationship lie and what kind of behavior was appropriate to commitment. And I guess I eventually realized that he wasn't about to commit to anything except to be in an exclusive relationship with no indication of when were were ever going to settle into something stable because he had these dreams of going pro in Europe and somehow, I needed to be ok with staying on hold until those dreams came true, if they ever come true. And if they never, well, I'd have to stay on hold forever. But that's a small chunk of it. Only. And so we went into therapy together and that's when I started feeling unsafe in therapy and angry and eventually, I decided I wasn't going to pick up on his slack any more when he 'doesn't feel like' contacting me and I just stopped. Because its ridiculous. I don't care if his friends managed to work out serious relationships with their girlfriends by seeing them once a month and talking to them once every couple of weeks, that's not my story and I'm not participating in a story that involves that.

So I just stopped participating. I wish I could say it makes me feel better but I don't feel better yet. I feel strange, as if I'm in some state of denial. I don't want to touch a thing or change anything, rather stay pretending he never existed in my life at all and throwing his things out or changing my facebook relationship status is just acknowledging that he exists and it failed. I supposed I'll be able to do it at some point, just not now. It's taken a lot of effort to deal with my ex who was psychologically abusive and all my issues and I'm not about to stand by and watch someone take down all my hard work.

And simply because this isn't enough of a warped comedy, the whole debacle has given me irritable bowel. The universe has a strange sense of humor. *facepalm*

[Crankin]

I hope you're working with a really good therapist that you feel a connection with. It sounds like you made a good decision, even though it doesn't feel that way right now. Psychological abuse is never a good thing... Denial is one of the first ways we deal with loss, so think of it as something you are going through, but won't feel this way forever. The problem comes when the denial continues indefinitely.

[redrhodie]

(((alexis))) I'm so sorry. That's hard to go through.