I need to rant. After months of thinking I've gotten my chronic depression under control finally, I've slid firmly back into it again. Which isn't unexpected, given that despite all optimism from the doctors and shrinks, I've had cycle after cycle of 'feeling good-oops, depressed again-oh, feel good' again for, well, pretty much my whole life.

What I didn't expect is how much it'd affect my training. I understand that when in a state like that, I can expect to not find pleasure in doing just about everything. I did not, however, expect to wake up this morning for a much anticipated ride to be hit by the feeling of "S**t, I'm not cut out for this, I'm wasting my time, I hate my bike, why am I not selling the darned bike and just calling it a day". Neither did I expect that after FINALLY dragging my butt out to my usual training route, I would stop after 5km and just start BAWLING my eyes out in front of God and every dang cyclist training on that road, because there's another 55km more to go.

Normally, I'd just take a break and do something else. But I have my first long distance duathlon in a MONTH. The cut off time of 5 hours was stressing me out mildly. Now, the cut off time seems like a huge, insurmountable obstacle and I don't even know why I bother. Obviously, the answer is to see my therapist more often until this whole episode blows away. I'm just so annoyed by the whole thing. Its embarrassing, to begin with. And I've always prided myself on my ability to at least suck it up when faced with something like physical pain or a long distance ride. Instead, I just melted like the wicked witch in a swimming pool.