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[Rebecca19804]

((((((((((Marni))))))))))
I know. This is so hard. Glad you have your other fuzzy children to keep you company and maybe distract you with their own little ways.

I thought I was feeling better (longer periods not thinking about her, stronger lid on the impulse to cry). Then this last Thursday, I got the final vet bill in the mail - which is what I'd asked them to do, as I couldn't face going in to pick it up in person. It wasn't the figures that destroyed me all over again... it was seeing two full pages, line by line, of everything they did for her to try to get her kidneys 'kickstarted' to some sort of level where she could go home (with meds).

And then the last 2 lines: Euthanasia. Cremation. I lost it.
Was a sobbing quivering wreck again for 2 days.

Yesterday, I spent the afternoon test riding road bikes and talking bike stuff with the cool ladies at my LBS. Three whole hours not thinking of Maddie, plus the 45-minute ride each way to and from the bike shop put me in a kind of zen zone. Feel a bit stronger today.

So sorry to be unloading a bit more grief here - especially sorry Marni if I've added to your pain. I live alone and do try not to burden people with my problems... and I knew, looking ahead to the inevitable, that losing Maddie "one day" would be very hard... but I've been completely taken by surprise by how devastated I am.