loaner to couple: desperately seeking advice

[Irulan]

I started espousing the value of NOT being a couple when I was 12 (or so I’m told), but I really believe that. I honestly believe that coupling up is something that we are sold and it isn’t necessary or even a benefit. I don’t want to be taken care of and I don’t want to take care of anyone else.

I re-read this just to go back to the beginning, and what really struck me is that you say you've had this belief since you were almost before a teen, and also you say that the thought having someone around all the time makes you nauseous

Maybe it's a scary thought, but you might go back to what happened in your life to plant this idea in you, and why you've clung to it so mightily. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing singlehood, but it sounds like maybe you are starting to question this long held belief, and that just maybe you don't want to screw up what could be a good thing because you've closed yourself off to that possibility. Haha, as usual I am going to suggest some personal counseling, taking a look at this core value, where it came from and if it is still valid for where you are now in your life.

[Zen]

Maybe it's a scary thought, but you might go back to what happened in your life to plant this idea in you, and why you've clung to it so mightily.

Some of us are just that way.

Like today: he cleaned up my elderly cat's massive vomit all over the house when he got home from work.

That's love!

Ahhh, the honeymooon phase.
My xh used to do nice things for me, too

[indysteel]

Ditto

Lordy. Maybe I should end my marriage now ...before my DH stops doing nice things for me, too.

[esmorin]

So, I am only 26 and don't have any divorce war stories to share....but I do share the panic of being with only one person, and the panic if losing my personal space.

My husband I have been married for 4 years next month, and it seems like every couple of months I get this claustrophobic feeling, and consider what it would be like to be single again. But, he is my best friend. Like V said, he hear all my weird ideas and supports me (or tells me they're weird!), but he still listens. I don't always want to share everything, and in fact I have "my" stuff and he has "his" stuff, and really, I like him to ask permission to use my things. I think its respectful, and it just kind of reminds him that more importantly than us being a "we", we are a "me and him", living together in a house.

I like to think of it as: I have my life, and he has his life, and then we have a life we share. I really need to be able to have my own life, my own friends (thought we have many common friends!), my own job, my own interests etc, but then we have all of those things that we share too.

I guess the one thing that I work very hard at every day (which has already been discussed), is that I try to never tell him what to do. I believe he is a "big boy" who can make his own decisions and bear the responsibility for his own actions. And by giving him this - it not only makes makes him very happy (as a VERY un-henpecked husband), but it sets up the expectation of how I expect to be respected and treated in return. I understand that it can be hard when jealousies come into play...and I'm not saying that it's not hard work sometimes. But I just have to remind myself that him as an individual - that I love and respect - is more important than him as my 'husband'.

I get to live my own life, but he cooks for me, and I get to glimpse his cute butt when he's cleaning up our cat vomit

[Zen]

Lots of sick cats around here

[NoNo]

I have no advice, I just feel a whole lot better knowing there are other loners out there. When I see all my friends getting married and having kids (I'm 29), there's part of me that wonders if there's something wrong with me. Then there's the other part that thinks there's plenty of time left for that stuff. I'm getting to live my life and chase my dreams in a way I probably couldn't if I had a family to deal with. I also grew up watching several unhappy marriages continue because we're traditional Italians and divorce just wasn't an option, and grew up listening to my grandmother bemoan how she didn't have the opportunities women have today and if she did she'd never have gotten married!

I say go with your gut, but talking to him probably couldn't hurt. Guys, in my limited experience, are incredibly imperceptive and need to be told outright what's going through your mind.

[Zen]

Guys, in my limited experience, are incredibly imperceptive and need to be told outright what's going through your mind.

In my all too vast experience that is so true.

[TsPoet]

These perspectives are all wonderful to hear and think about. Thank you all. It is nice to know there are other loners out there. I've always been perfectly happy by myself. But, maybe being with someone else will be OK, too.
There is time.

[Catrin]

I was married once, back in the dark ages. Been divorced for 28 years - did I actually say that I am old enough to have been divorced for that long
Somewhere along the line I've become comfortable as a single person and don't allow being alone to keep me from doing much.

I will admit though, at 50 years old, I do start to wonder what it would be like to not be alone...but I don't worry about it. It would certainly be a challenge to adjust to someone being around most of the time so it would have to be someone very special. I figure that anyone I would be interested in at this point is already married/otherwise attached so I don't worry about it.

But if I were to meet a single cyclist of the right age that I am compatible with I just might give it serious consideration...

[Crankin]

I think Irulan made a very valid point. A decision you make at age 12 might not be the only way to go when you are 30 or 40 or 50. And yes, while some people are more naturally loners than others, humans generally have a need to make connections with others... not just romantic connections, but connections.
That said, you certainly can be independent and be in a relationship. And not all men are clueless. From what I see, there's a lot of clueless women, too. This is why it's important to talk about your situation to your guy. It probably does seem really scary to make this kind of change, but people *do* change.
Maybe I am not the best one to give advice here, as I've been with my husband for 31 years. No one would call me dependent, either. At this point in my life, I'd rather be with him than anyone else. Sure, I have friends, and we have very different and separate careers, but both of us tend to want to "get home" so we can be together. We support each other.
When we first started living together, he would be home before me. I would always be in a "bad mood" when I got home and would be mean to him. I thought that coming home and being "nice-nice" was a sign of weakness. Well, after he told me what I was doing and gave me a dose of of my own medicine, I stopped that!
While I know I am perfectly capable of living on my own (and I did for a few years when i was younger), I think I would be very lonely at this point in my life.

[colby]

I have no advice, I just feel a whole lot better knowing there are other loners out there. When I see all my friends getting married and having kids (I'm 29), there's part of me that wonders if there's something wrong with me. Then there's the other part that thinks there's plenty of time left for that stuff. I'm getting to live my life and chase my dreams in a way I probably couldn't if I had a family to deal with.

I'm married, so it's not quite the same, but I feel this way about having children. So many people (I'm 31) are focused on it that sometimes I have an "is something wrong with me?" moment, and I sit back and think... I just want to live MY life before I decide if I want to share it. I know it's not OVER for me if I have kids (like it wasn't when I got married), but I just want to be me for me (or us for us) right now. Selfish? Yes. But that's my prerogative.

To the OP, I would be honest with him as others have said. You will need time to decide if this is what you want - it is possible for something you once thought as inconceivable to become reality, but you need to do that on your terms. Just because your relationship is becoming "a relationship" doesn't mean you have to share all your space at once - be yourself first.

Honestly, finding the balance between "me" and "we" is something that is not always easy even after you've decided you're willing to do it, and it's something that you constantly adapt as your situations change (jobs, families, children, hobbies, whatever). Some of it comes naturally, some doesn't, but we all face it on some level.

Being with someone doesn't have to mean not being true to yourself.

[Veronica]

I'm married, so it's not quite the same, but I feel this way about having children. So many people (I'm 31) are focused on it that sometimes I have an "is something wrong with me?" moment, and I sit back and think... I just want to live MY life before I decide if I want to share it. I know it's not OVER for me if I have kids (like it wasn't when I got married), but I just want to be me for me (or us for us) right now. Selfish? Yes. But that's my prerogative.

Having children is a A LOT of work. I know I don't want to put that much effort into children. I wish more people would realize how much effort it is and that they don't really want to make the commitment, before they actually made the commitment. It would make teaching a lot easier. Maybe then NCLB might actually work.

Veronica

[GLC1968]

My experience is very similiar to Indysteel's. I met my husband when I was 34 and married him at 35. I had already had TWO careers before he came around. I had my own life and I was 100% happy with it. He had also already had two careers and had his own life. And he told me in our first conversation that he had no interest in marriage. Now we are (like Selkie), two loners sharing our lives. We've been married 7 years and while the honeymoon stage is definitely over, it still works beautifully.

I'm of the belief that if you know yourself and believe in yourself, the people you gravitate towards will love you for who you are. No man in my past would ever have made it through my front door if they didn't recognize and respect a strong, independent woman who sometimes needed her own space. When one did make it to that point, it didn't take us long to seal the deal (9 months to engagement, 9 more months to marriage). I guess that comes from 34 years of getting to know oneself. We had a few issues about space when we moved in together (prior to marriage and I'm very glad we did), but we worked through them.

And I also agree that both of us are still growing and learning...daily.

Just as a little background - when I was 10, I started saying that I wouldn't even consider marriage until after I was 28 and had made my first million on my own. I'm still working on that million, though!

Oh, so my belief is that if you talk to this guy about this, he's going to be fine with it. He likes you for who you are, right? And you've never misrepresented yourself, have you? You've been friends for awhile, so I honestly think that you are going to be pleasantly surprised. You have probably found the type of guy who is attracted to an independent person...in fact, he may be relieved to learn once and for all that you are not the clingy type!

[deeaimond]

I have no advice, I just feel a whole lot better knowing there are other loners out there. When I see all my friends getting married and having kids (I'm 29), there's part of me that wonders if there's something wrong with me. Then there's the other part that thinks there's plenty of time left for that stuff. I'm getting to live my life and chase my dreams in a way I probably couldn't if I had a family to deal with. I also grew up watching several unhappy marriages continue because we're traditional Italians and divorce just wasn't an option, and grew up listening to my grandmother bemoan how she didn't have the opportunities women have today and if she did she'd never have gotten married!

I say go with your gut, but talking to him probably couldn't hurt. Guys, in my limited experience, are incredibly imperceptive and need to be told outright what's going through your mind.

I feel exactly the same way NoNo!

I'm 26 this year, but in my line of work (teaching) most people are happily married or attached or pregnant. even those who are my age are all in stable relationships headed towards marriage.... so for awhile i wondered if there was something wrong with me.

I just ended my relationship of 3.5 yrs. nothing much, just that it was long distance and it didnt seem to be headed anywhere because to be with him i'd have to drop my entire life and move to another continent.

Of course breaking up was hard, but i've realised since how much i sort of lost myself when i was in the relationship because so much of what i did was for US rather than for MYSELF. I learnt something valuable from this break-up. Be more selfish and think of myself more.

Here, most people pair off. its strange to actually want to be a loner. or if you're unmarried in your 30s people look at you strange.

I love these posts for all the thoughts and ideas that TE ladies put up. so many life experiences. Thank you all for sharing.