For those of us middle-aged, read on.

[staceysue]

I think a lot of middle age in American culture is about "preventing death" and defining yourself as an object of the medical industry.

Accepting where I am right now has been all about rejecting that worldview. In the history of the world, only two deaths have reportedly been prevented: the prophet Elijah and the Virgin Mary - and those were anecdotal and in any event not accomplished by the medical industry.

I've decided that I'm utterly unwilling to sacrifice the quality of my life for the possibility of extending it (often for a rather short time). "Be here now" is my motto. (The flip side - how the medical industry would have middle-aged people live our lives - reminds me of that old saying, "The food is terrible! And the portions, they're so small!" )

I'm updating my Living Will... to be VERY tight and restrictive... and hoping that it will be respected if and when the time comes.

As a milestone, my 50th birthday barely bothered me. I had two goals to complete in the six weeks before that birthday - my first half-marathon and a notorious two-day bike tour that I'd been afraid of since I first heard of it over 30 years ago. So when the birthday did roll around, I was still riding the crest of that exhilaration (and wondering whether, in fact, I shouldn't wait until my 100th birthday for that first full marathon ).

JMO...

I absolutely agree with you, Oak Leaf. Not just middle-age, but LIFE in America is all about preventing death! We all spend so much time and effort fighting a battle that we're guaranteed to lose, that we lose the joy along the way.

I've had a couple of cancer scares and I remember the extreme suffering I went through because I was imagining what it was going to be like for me to be forced to fight cancer. I wasn't worried about what the cancer would do to me, but the fight. I imagined myself losing my hair from chemo, getting sick from chemo, traveling to doctor appointment after doctor appointment, going through multiple surgeries etc. etc. I had a complete meltdown.

When we fight aging, we're fighting death. When we accept the fact that we're going to die, things get easier.

[Crankin]

I am the first to admit that I am petrified of death. While I don't feel like I am "fighting it," in the sense to prolong my life unnaturally, when confronted with the fact that I *might* have something that would cause me to die right now, I freak out. When I said my family had good genes/longevity, I meant that they all (except my mom) lived into their 90's, with a good quality of life for that age. My dad is 85 and still works. He has "stuff," but it doesn't stop him. He smokes and doesn't exercise; just think what his health might be like if he didn't have those risk factors. Three out of my four grandparents lived to about 92. They all looked great, had all of their intellectual faculties, and generally lived life to the fullest up until the day they died. My grandfather worked, selling scrap metal until his death. The younger people in his field were clamoring for him to retire, so they could steal his accounts! He didn't become financially successful until he was well into his sixties, maybe 70. I just want to be like them.
You know, Oakleaf, my mom had a living will. She was extremely adamant about "no extraordinary measures." But, when she was actually in the situation where her liver transplant had failed, her kidneys were failing, and her heart was messed up, she told my dad and brother she wanted to "keep going" with some of the extraordinary measures they were trying in the ICU. Although my dad and brother made the right decision when it was clear nothing more could be done, I think I know how she felt. She had only just turned 67 when she died; that's about ten years older than I am now.
I guess I am in that "generativity" stage of development now. I want to be around to pass the torch and see my grandchildren when they come. Yes, my life has been pretty good, and I have no regrets, so even though I entirely live to enjoy myself right now, I don't like the thought of dying, either. I don't think it's the medical establishment making me feel this way; it's me... based on the role models I have seen in my family.

[Zen]

I've been very close to death and I'm not afraid at all. I have no family to feel responsible for, just the dogs.
I'm poor and content and curious to see what happens when we die.
I must confess a belief in reincarnation, though. Surely I can do this better in my next life.

[roadie gal]

I've also had a near death experience. It left me with an appreciation for how easy it is to die, and how much there is to appreciate about living each day. I don't dwell on death and it doesn't scare me. I do try to actively be thankful for each day and to notice something about each day that's special. Today, for instance, I noticed that the buttercups are starting to bloom in some of the marshy areas when I was out with the dogs.

It's scary to think of not being around to "see what happens next". But the physical act of dying doesn't scare me.

[Crankin]

I can honestly say there is no way I could not be scared of death. I have a pretty large need for control, or at least using knowledge to ease difficult situations. Since we don't know what happens when we die, hence, the fear.
I guess if I was of a religious persuasion that emphasizes the "afterlife," I might feel differently, or at least to me, that is what helps some deal with this issue.
I try to concentrate on how I live my life in the here and now. But, death still scares me. I have a lot more stuff I want to do!

[OakLeaf]

I find it easy to say now that I'm not scared of dying, but I'm not at all confident that I wouldn't be scared in extremis. Which is exactly why I want a tight living will, and why one of the clauses in it specifies that any decisions I make while competent are not to be construed as voiding any provisions of it.

One thing I know for sure about myself is that when I'm scared, I make bad decisions. And I know that I'm not brave, not strong, not capable of living the life that some people do. If I can pre-empt it, I'd rather be spared the decision. If I'm not going to recover the quality of life I specify in the living will, then let me bleed out, don't re-start my heart, whatever.

[shootingstar]

One thing I know for sure about myself is that when I'm scared, I make bad decisions. And I know that I'm not brave, not strong, not capable of living the life that some people do. If I can pre-empt it, I'd rather be spared the decision. If I'm not going to recover the quality of life I specify in the living will, then let me bleed out, don't re-start my heart, whatever.

I don't deny that I am afraid of dying/death. But I fear not aging and never got depressed when I reached each milestone age, 30, 35, 40, 50 so far.

I have not got as far as Oak, about DNR. I have not thought about what I want.

As for quality of life, a few days ago I had a phone chat with my father who has prostate cancer. he is delaying his chemotherapy..tells me his test levels weren't as bad...etc. But the fact is that he has cancer and it will be deadly.

It was very surreal to hear ones' own parent sound so chipper ..and innocent. I don't think he quite gets it that it's deadly. but I didn't have the heart to tell him he was seeing this all abit wrong because this will pull him down into depression and surely, will affect his overall health negatively at a faster rate.

i believe my physician-sister is treading a careful line of leaving the final decision to father to decide when to have chemotherapy but warning him abit ....because when it happens will be a significant degradation on quality of life. He probably is delaying because he is afraid. He's 81 and this is not early bird trace of cancer. Chemo for his situation, will only control cancer growth at his age. That's it.

I am now more willing than ever before, to believe that a person's mental attitude and mental health towards their own aging, sickness and death, also contributes to person's longevity.
Other than the cancer, my father has no other health problems. None. No cardio, respiratory nor neurological problems. This is why it is so surreal.

Sorry, now this is tangential.

[staceysue]

I find it easy to say now that I'm not scared of dying, but I'm not at all confident that I wouldn't be scared in extremis.

I can definitely relate to that! I was all about saying I wasn't afraid of dying, feeling so calm and cool about the whole issue, then they found tumors on my ovaries. Actually - it was more like I had little ovaries on my tumors, the tumors were so huge. My cancer markers were elevated and there was a 50% chance it was advanced ovarian cancer.

When I walked under the sign that said "Oncology" into the doctor's office, I lost it. I was sobbing so hard I couldn't talk during the entire appointment. Thank God the oncologist said "I just happen to have time to operate tomorrow," because if I'd had to wait any longer I don't know what would have happened. I was up all night imagining how my husband and son would cope when I was gone. I sobbed until I was under anesthesia, woke up sobbing, and didn't stop until the doctor said "No cancer." I made them repeat it about 10 times. "No cancer? Is that what you said? Tell me again." I'm tearing up just thinking about it.

I'm a nurse, and I've never seen any patient react as dramatically as I did. Yeah - I'm pretty much all talk and no walk on the "I'm OK with dying" thing.

[bmccasland]

First off, big hugs to StaceySue.

I was pretty much a blithering idiot when I had to get extra views on a mammogram, then an ultrasound because of something "strange". Didn't help that I had moved, and the prior radiology office couldn't find, or wouldn't send my films. The clinic staff was great. And nothing came of it.

Since then I've had two episodes of anaphalictic shock to the point of loss of consciousness due to allergic reaction to a wasp sting and eating squid and octapus. Got the "E-ticket" ride to the hospital the second time. The two brain cells that were still synaposing remembered that I had an epi-pen and maybe perhaps NOW! is the time to use it. No panic, just fade to black.

So when I've actually come close to dying, I was calm, or oxygen starved . But tell me that things might be ugly for a while, and death could happen, then I'm jelly.

[HermitGirl]

The "I'm OK with dying" thing ~ well, that brings up a whole can o' worms for me. I go in and out of being morose and okay about it. More on the morose side these days. It seems that anxiety is the worst symptom of peri & menopause that I'm experiencing thus far. I think the whole issue about being afraid of death is more about peri-menopausal changes, hormones, hotflashes, fear of this, irritated by that. In fact, let me say that I'm afraid to the point of irritation of just about everything these days. Anxiety follows me around like a biting dog.

I have read bits of books like "Evolve Your Brain" by Joe Dispenza, and watched a documentary called "What The Bleep Do We Know" and I'm staring at another book a friend lent me, called "The Brain That Changes Itself", and I'm on to the trendy buzz word called NEUROPLASTICITY http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neuroplasticity, and the realization that all of this grief may just be thought patterns gone rampant. That is, my brain is getting so that it won't rest, is always churning over ideas and associating sad/angry/fear experience, all which is tremendously negative and physically dangerous stuff. Getting caught in these thought patterns seems to have a sequence to a very predictable end >>> loss, death, others dying>>> fear. Then the emtional "knee-jerk" reaction about most everything ~ if not on the verge of crying, then I'm mad and a battling cuss. I get no rest from myself I tell you !

As a side, is there anybody interested in reading about this 'neuroplasticity' stuff. I'm talking about the science of how we can train our brain to think positive, to visualize happy selves, to pump out endorphines instead of cortisol, it's heady stuff (pun intended) , but I am not interested in antidepressants . I feel active visualization and lots of exercize w/ healthier diet might be my only option for preventing total madness. I need to read the book again, it was difficult sciency read, and I dropped it in the middle. I would love it if some of you here joined me. "Evolve Your Brain" by Joe Dispenza, and/or "The Brain That Changes Itself " by Norman Doidge. There are likely dozens of books like this available, but these are good starters.

It's tough to reject the antidepressant option so that I can get out of anxiety, and instead to try to reach for something so far inside the core of my being, like with a pick and ax, but I know that relief from these biting dogs of my subconscious is possible. Spiritual Monks and Mystics have practiced for centuries this buzz word " Neuroplasticity ", and science is now making it available to everybody to educate themselves, and to ultimately change ourselves.