Fun With Relatives - kind of long

[Crankin]

I agree that the grieving process may play a role here. Even a person in his or her 80s can benefit from grief counseling or support groups.

However, in my family's case, 22 years is enough time for my aunt to grieve. People in general felt badly for her for about two years and then when she just kept turning into more of a witch at age 52 or 53, she lost a lot of her friends. Of course, this was a pattern for her whole life. My uncle just kept her in check when he was still alive. In retrospect, I think she has some kind of personality disorder; my grandfather was diagnosed with one very late in his life. Thankfully, my mom was the total opposite of her sister.

[Norse]

Who is it in the family who doesn't have any issues with Grandma; who does she love a lot, or just plain leave alone? Learn to treat her like THAT person does. That person has her number. Get it from them.

That brought a wry smile to my face. I was going to say there is no such person but the one person was my Dad. Speaking of keeping her bad behavior in check, I was just commenting to my mom recently that yet another loss in losing dad was that he acted as our buffer to grandma.

Lots of good thoughts and insights on here. Thank you everyone. I did polish off the letter yesterday and put it in the mail first thing this morning ... so, we shall see. Lucky for me Mother's Day is almost here (I long ago learned I was in trouble if grandma did not get a card ) so I can follow-up on one of Karen's suggestions and put a nothing but pleasant thoughts card into the mail - she should get it right after the letter.

Granny isn't all bad. She can be fun, caring and she is the best family story-teller. If she didn't have her good traits, I might not try so hard.

[Melalvai]

I'm so glad to see other people use TE for these kinds of problems. Sometimes it is so nice to get in here and vent a little to people who don't have a stake in the situation.

Maybe she has always been like this but is getting worse in her old age, and as you noticed losing your Dad had a big impact on her. I've noticed an irrational insecurity in elderly women. My grandma was convinced that she was going to be out on the street, after Grandpa died. Of course Grandpa had provided for her, and none of her kids or grandkids would ever allow that to happen.

I guess the care taking of elderly relatives can invoke a lot of guilt and resentment, from the care takers, the ones who are too far away, or unable or unwilling to help more, and the elderly relative. The feelings probably aren't fair.

My advice (FWIW) is to think of Grandma as a sick person. It's easy to say "She's always been like that" and blame her for being unreasonable, but even if that's true, she's gotten worse, she hasn't really always been like that. On the other hand take care of yourself, don't visit her as often if it upsets you.

[Tuckervill]

I don't think relatives deserve a free pass. But, a person who is 87 could go at any time (we all could, but it's more likely for the elderly, you know?). Out of a sense of self-preservation, I act in ways I know I won't regret. If my loved one died and I had a guilty conscience because of the way I treated them, it would be so hard to get over that. I don't want to have regrets.

That's not to say I don't set boundaries. I just want to be able to live with myself in the end.

Karen

[Biciclista]

I don't think you need to answer grandma's letter at all. (No one ever answers mine and I quit expecting to get responses. Just send your grandmother sweet notes and happy cards and continue to do what you do.
But I want to know what "multiples" consist of..!!

[Norse]

In this case, the multiples are three. My sister has a bumper sticker that says: "Go wild. Raise triplets." - with a jungle motif.

I don't think relatives deserve a free pass. But, a person who is 87 could go at any time (we all could, but it's more likely for the elderly, you know?). Out of a sense of self-preservation, I act in ways I know I won't regret. If my loved one died and I had a guilty conscience because of the way I treated them, it would be so hard to get over that. I don't want to have regrets.

That's not to say I don't set boundaries. I just want to be able to live with myself in the end.

Karen

I know what you're saying. As my draft letter went through it's many changes - the earliest version being the most venting - DP reviewed them and said early on: "How would you feel if grandma died shortly after receiving this?" Dealing with difficult relatives, or even difficult clients, customers... is all a balancing act.

[Norse]

Grandma got the letter followed by the lovely Mother's Day card. She called to thank me for the card, never mentioned the letter. This is her way. We have had several pleasant conversations since pretending that the whole thing never happened. This is Grandma's preferred way of dealing/not dealing with something - just sweep it under the rug and carry on.

Thanks again TE forum sisters for all the suggestions - the input definitely helped me to navigate some very tricky waters.