Fun With Relatives - kind of long

[Tuckervill]

Oh another thing!

Who is it in the family who doesn't have any issues with Grandma; who does she love a lot, or just plain leave alone? Learn to treat her like THAT person does. That person has her number. Get it from them.

Karen

[Crankin]

Wow, am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have to put up with mean treatment by relatives? It doesn't really matter to me whether the person is older, or not. Age does not give one the right to ruin family relationships, or be selfish or demeaning to others. I'm not going to give any advice specific to this situation, but just a general comment. Respect is earned.
I cut off all contact with my aunt (and hence my 3 cousins) because I couldn't take take her mean spirited, controlling efforts to mold me into something I am not. This is my mom's sister. I thought we would have a mother-like relationship when I moved back here, 20 years ago, but I should have known better. She even tried to control my mom's medical treatment and dying process; thank G-d my parents live in San Diego, so she couldn't do too much harm there. She's bigoted and angry, and gets her information from "talk radio." My uncle died, unexpectedly, when she was 52. I was very close to them, but she just turned into a horribly bitter person after his death. She refused to date (had several offers and is attractive), or get any real help in dealing with her feelings. She totally turned to controlling her own kid's lives. One cousin became Orthodox, from being hardly religious (oh, she made fun of her own religion, too), one is a gun toting right wing fanatic, and the other is her 40 year old unmarried daughter, who she has effectively turned into her "friend" and hence, the poor woman has no life.
You get the picture. I just can't keep my mouth quiet when she starts pontificating; we can't talk about anything without her getting pissed. She realized that she can't control me the way she does her own kids and it infuriates her.

[Bike Chick]

Sounds like Grandma is pretty spoiled!!! She can try taking you on a guilt trip but you don't have to go. In other words, she can't make you feel guilty--you are doing that all on your own.

I agree with Crankin' about treatment of family. Just because you are over 80doesn't give you the right to mistreat people--especially people that love you. How would Grandma feel if you were behaving like she was?

[owlice]

Wow, am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have to put up with mean treatment by relatives?

No, you are not the only one. Relatives may get more leeway than others not related to us for a host of different reasons, but they do not get a free pass.

I think it's selling the cognitively-whole old person short to assume that just because of the person's age, the person can't change. Bullocks. Change might be uncomfortable and unwelcome, but it's certainly possible and people who believe it could never happen will get the status quo. AND -- it's not up to anyone to change Grandma; all you can do is change your response to her.

Don't reward bad behavior; do reward good behavior. The complaining guilt-trippy letter strikes me as bad behavior. I wouldn't answer it at all. She vented, presumably she felt better after venting, and if she asks you about it, simply say, "Yes, it seemed you had a lot to get off your chest; I hope you felt better after writing it." Then move on to something else. If she brings it up again, give the same response, over and over and over if necessary. You don't HAVE to play her game; it's your choice whether you do.

[SheFly]

FWIW - I think your grandma may still be grieving, and she is taking that out on the rest of the family. She lost her son just under a year ago - trust me when I tell you that isn't a very long time. She was used to a routine where he stopped by every day, and now, that routine has changed. None of us like change, but at 87, change is even more difficult to manage.

Crankin' is right that relatives don't have a pass to treat family badly, but I think (based on what little I know from reading here) that there may be some other circumstances at work here.

Norse - sorry about the loss of your dad. It is, however, VERY difficult for parents to outlive their children (I've seen this in my own parents). At least SOME consideration should be given to where she is in the grieving process.

SheFly

[Crankin]

I agree that the grieving process may play a role here. Even a person in his or her 80s can benefit from grief counseling or support groups.

However, in my family's case, 22 years is enough time for my aunt to grieve. People in general felt badly for her for about two years and then when she just kept turning into more of a witch at age 52 or 53, she lost a lot of her friends. Of course, this was a pattern for her whole life. My uncle just kept her in check when he was still alive. In retrospect, I think she has some kind of personality disorder; my grandfather was diagnosed with one very late in his life. Thankfully, my mom was the total opposite of her sister.

[Biciclista]

I don't think you need to answer grandma's letter at all. (No one ever answers mine and I quit expecting to get responses. Just send your grandmother sweet notes and happy cards and continue to do what you do.
But I want to know what "multiples" consist of..!!

[Norse]

Grandma got the letter followed by the lovely Mother's Day card. She called to thank me for the card, never mentioned the letter. This is her way. We have had several pleasant conversations since pretending that the whole thing never happened. This is Grandma's preferred way of dealing/not dealing with something - just sweep it under the rug and carry on.

Thanks again TE forum sisters for all the suggestions - the input definitely helped me to navigate some very tricky waters.

[Norse]

Who is it in the family who doesn't have any issues with Grandma; who does she love a lot, or just plain leave alone? Learn to treat her like THAT person does. That person has her number. Get it from them.

That brought a wry smile to my face. I was going to say there is no such person but the one person was my Dad. Speaking of keeping her bad behavior in check, I was just commenting to my mom recently that yet another loss in losing dad was that he acted as our buffer to grandma.

Lots of good thoughts and insights on here. Thank you everyone. I did polish off the letter yesterday and put it in the mail first thing this morning ... so, we shall see. Lucky for me Mother's Day is almost here (I long ago learned I was in trouble if grandma did not get a card ) so I can follow-up on one of Karen's suggestions and put a nothing but pleasant thoughts card into the mail - she should get it right after the letter.

Granny isn't all bad. She can be fun, caring and she is the best family story-teller. If she didn't have her good traits, I might not try so hard.

[Melalvai]

I'm so glad to see other people use TE for these kinds of problems. Sometimes it is so nice to get in here and vent a little to people who don't have a stake in the situation.

Maybe she has always been like this but is getting worse in her old age, and as you noticed losing your Dad had a big impact on her. I've noticed an irrational insecurity in elderly women. My grandma was convinced that she was going to be out on the street, after Grandpa died. Of course Grandpa had provided for her, and none of her kids or grandkids would ever allow that to happen.

I guess the care taking of elderly relatives can invoke a lot of guilt and resentment, from the care takers, the ones who are too far away, or unable or unwilling to help more, and the elderly relative. The feelings probably aren't fair.

My advice (FWIW) is to think of Grandma as a sick person. It's easy to say "She's always been like that" and blame her for being unreasonable, but even if that's true, she's gotten worse, she hasn't really always been like that. On the other hand take care of yourself, don't visit her as often if it upsets you.

[Tuckervill]

I don't think relatives deserve a free pass. But, a person who is 87 could go at any time (we all could, but it's more likely for the elderly, you know?). Out of a sense of self-preservation, I act in ways I know I won't regret. If my loved one died and I had a guilty conscience because of the way I treated them, it would be so hard to get over that. I don't want to have regrets.

That's not to say I don't set boundaries. I just want to be able to live with myself in the end.

Karen

[Norse]

In this case, the multiples are three. My sister has a bumper sticker that says: "Go wild. Raise triplets." - with a jungle motif.

I don't think relatives deserve a free pass. But, a person who is 87 could go at any time (we all could, but it's more likely for the elderly, you know?). Out of a sense of self-preservation, I act in ways I know I won't regret. If my loved one died and I had a guilty conscience because of the way I treated them, it would be so hard to get over that. I don't want to have regrets.

That's not to say I don't set boundaries. I just want to be able to live with myself in the end.

Karen

I know what you're saying. As my draft letter went through it's many changes - the earliest version being the most venting - DP reviewed them and said early on: "How would you feel if grandma died shortly after receiving this?" Dealing with difficult relatives, or even difficult clients, customers... is all a balancing act.