Fun With Relatives - kind of long

[Norse]

Yes, sorry, it is kind of confusing. My mom cannot be the one to deal with it though. If she knew the snippy remark grandma made in her letter to me about "other" aunt, aka, my mom's sister, I think that would put my mom over the edge in her long, precarious relationship with my grandma. I am the oldest of my siblings and I guess, considered the statesperson in our family.

Help for grandma? That's another thing, she lives in an apt complex for elders, and they have services available, she just doesn't like to use them. She would prefer the family make sure she gets to all her appointments and stops to visit frequently (she noted that my dad stopped every day - I guess she expects the same from others). I am just lucky I don't live in the same town, but my mom and a sibling are the frequent recipients of that guilt trip.

I long ago deemed grandma, Master of the Guilt Trip.

[tulip]

... She would prefer the family make sure she gets to all her appointments and stops to visit frequently (she noted that my dad stopped every day - I guess she expects the same from others). I am just lucky I don't live in the same town, but my mom and a sibling are the frequent recipients of that guilt trip...

I'm sorry, but this bothers me. It's okay for your Aunt to be expected to go to the next state to help with your sister and family, but not okay for the family closest (geographically) to your grandma to help out with her?

This just seems like a double standard.

Your grandma is lonely, and the only way she may know how to express it is through complaining. You can't change her. But you can change your reaction to her if you want to. I hope you and your family find peace in this.

[Maxxxie]

I've been on the receiving end of guilt trips from my (now deceased) grandmother, and it's not nice. The best thing I ever did was to realise that she would never change. I cannot control what others do, only what I do. So I decided I would simply let her rant and carry on, nod and smile, and just ignore her bad behaviour.

The rest of the family knew she was behaving badly, and that her behaviour would never change, so rather than create a stressful situation by expecting an 80+ year old woman to change, we chose to ignore her behaviour and focus on our own. This did mean taking time out away from her so we could vent amongst ourselves.

It might sound callous/heartless, but it worked for us.

Max

[Tuckervill]

Ditto to Max. Perfect the smile and nod and changing the subject. Also, making a sincere excuse to leave when it starts to turn ugly is a good practice. I have to use this on my mother. I recently spent a whole day with her in the hospital, and I just went through it making sure I didn't bring up anything controversial. If I did inadvertently press a button, I quickly and sincerely agreed or deflected.

It was EXTREMELY difficult when she mentioned attending the local tea party protest and asking my opinion. yikes.

I would never be able to write a letter to "explain" anything to my mother. Deaf ears. She would jump on any adjective that may indicate judgment of her actions. It's all personal.

You should just call your grandma and check in with her about her trip, following up on when she's coming and tell her how much you're looking forward to seeing her, etc. Just when it starts to turn ugly that's when the toilet starts to overflow or you hear the doorbell or something like that and "oops, gotta go!"

Karen

[Norse]

I'm sorry, but this bothers me. It's okay for your Aunt to be expected to go to the next state to help with your sister and family, but not okay for the family closest (geographically) to your grandma to help out with her?

Tulip, I think you misread or made some incorrect assumptions. My family does do quite a lot for grandma. My post was necessarily shortened - did not want to bore everyone to tears - and did not go into all the details but the family frequently visits, calls, takes her to appointments and takes her on family outings. It was on a recent such outing that she lurched down this road. Grandma gets a lot of help. She wants more and the help she gets usually is not good enough and not what dad would have done.

No one expected that aunt A should help with the kids any more than aunt B or aunt A should have helped when we were kids. Aunt A voluntarily stated and made promises of helping out. The details of the backing out after saying "I will come down" are many but not really the point. I am looking to respond in a non-debate manner.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. Pam, it was encouraging to see that your suggestions mirror my draft letter to great extent. This balancing act is tippy-toe difficult. Karen and Max, that's exactly how I usually handle grandma, but this time she is not letting it drop and having her up here without responding beforehand will have her constantly bringing it up. Your comments do have me rethinking the letter though. Sigh....

[Tuckervill]

I think you should write a letter, but make it a love letter. Just pour your heart out to her about how much you love and cherish her, and find every good thing you can say about her, and express your gratitude for her influence on your life.

Do not mention anything at all about any issue, current or past. Just pour out some love on her. Give her a blessing. Affirm her in what is most important to her. Step into her shoes and show her you understand her. I think it will change your life.

Karen

[Tuckervill]

Oh another thing!

Who is it in the family who doesn't have any issues with Grandma; who does she love a lot, or just plain leave alone? Learn to treat her like THAT person does. That person has her number. Get it from them.

Karen

[Crankin]

Wow, am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have to put up with mean treatment by relatives? It doesn't really matter to me whether the person is older, or not. Age does not give one the right to ruin family relationships, or be selfish or demeaning to others. I'm not going to give any advice specific to this situation, but just a general comment. Respect is earned.
I cut off all contact with my aunt (and hence my 3 cousins) because I couldn't take take her mean spirited, controlling efforts to mold me into something I am not. This is my mom's sister. I thought we would have a mother-like relationship when I moved back here, 20 years ago, but I should have known better. She even tried to control my mom's medical treatment and dying process; thank G-d my parents live in San Diego, so she couldn't do too much harm there. She's bigoted and angry, and gets her information from "talk radio." My uncle died, unexpectedly, when she was 52. I was very close to them, but she just turned into a horribly bitter person after his death. She refused to date (had several offers and is attractive), or get any real help in dealing with her feelings. She totally turned to controlling her own kid's lives. One cousin became Orthodox, from being hardly religious (oh, she made fun of her own religion, too), one is a gun toting right wing fanatic, and the other is her 40 year old unmarried daughter, who she has effectively turned into her "friend" and hence, the poor woman has no life.
You get the picture. I just can't keep my mouth quiet when she starts pontificating; we can't talk about anything without her getting pissed. She realized that she can't control me the way she does her own kids and it infuriates her.

[Bike Chick]

Sounds like Grandma is pretty spoiled!!! She can try taking you on a guilt trip but you don't have to go. In other words, she can't make you feel guilty--you are doing that all on your own.

I agree with Crankin' about treatment of family. Just because you are over 80doesn't give you the right to mistreat people--especially people that love you. How would Grandma feel if you were behaving like she was?

[owlice]

Wow, am I the only one who thinks we shouldn't have to put up with mean treatment by relatives?

No, you are not the only one. Relatives may get more leeway than others not related to us for a host of different reasons, but they do not get a free pass.

I think it's selling the cognitively-whole old person short to assume that just because of the person's age, the person can't change. Bullocks. Change might be uncomfortable and unwelcome, but it's certainly possible and people who believe it could never happen will get the status quo. AND -- it's not up to anyone to change Grandma; all you can do is change your response to her.

Don't reward bad behavior; do reward good behavior. The complaining guilt-trippy letter strikes me as bad behavior. I wouldn't answer it at all. She vented, presumably she felt better after venting, and if she asks you about it, simply say, "Yes, it seemed you had a lot to get off your chest; I hope you felt better after writing it." Then move on to something else. If she brings it up again, give the same response, over and over and over if necessary. You don't HAVE to play her game; it's your choice whether you do.

[Norse]

Who is it in the family who doesn't have any issues with Grandma; who does she love a lot, or just plain leave alone? Learn to treat her like THAT person does. That person has her number. Get it from them.

That brought a wry smile to my face. I was going to say there is no such person but the one person was my Dad. Speaking of keeping her bad behavior in check, I was just commenting to my mom recently that yet another loss in losing dad was that he acted as our buffer to grandma.

Lots of good thoughts and insights on here. Thank you everyone. I did polish off the letter yesterday and put it in the mail first thing this morning ... so, we shall see. Lucky for me Mother's Day is almost here (I long ago learned I was in trouble if grandma did not get a card ) so I can follow-up on one of Karen's suggestions and put a nothing but pleasant thoughts card into the mail - she should get it right after the letter.

Granny isn't all bad. She can be fun, caring and she is the best family story-teller. If she didn't have her good traits, I might not try so hard.

[Melalvai]

I'm so glad to see other people use TE for these kinds of problems. Sometimes it is so nice to get in here and vent a little to people who don't have a stake in the situation.

Maybe she has always been like this but is getting worse in her old age, and as you noticed losing your Dad had a big impact on her. I've noticed an irrational insecurity in elderly women. My grandma was convinced that she was going to be out on the street, after Grandpa died. Of course Grandpa had provided for her, and none of her kids or grandkids would ever allow that to happen.

I guess the care taking of elderly relatives can invoke a lot of guilt and resentment, from the care takers, the ones who are too far away, or unable or unwilling to help more, and the elderly relative. The feelings probably aren't fair.

My advice (FWIW) is to think of Grandma as a sick person. It's easy to say "She's always been like that" and blame her for being unreasonable, but even if that's true, she's gotten worse, she hasn't really always been like that. On the other hand take care of yourself, don't visit her as often if it upsets you.