Mom in turmoil/Daughter in Trouble

[PamNY]

You sound like such a good mom, with compassion and insight. Your daughter is lucky to have you.

[polly4711]

Hi, Sorry that this is kind of a long response, but I'm speaking from experience.

1) I think that you are a great mother for doing what you have done. As you know, it takes a lot of self confidence to leave that kind of situation... and it isn't gained by someone telling you to do it.

2) I have been in a relationship like both you and your daughter. Although I am only 23 years old, I've been there. My parents have been married for 35+ years now, but I was repeating the drama that was created from a semi-abusive foster sister.

My best advice is to guide your daughter to make the right decision. I dated this guy for 7 months, and saw therapy for 3 of them while we were dating, and another almost 8 months later so that I could get my self grounded again. (OH! and I went to my university's health center and it was 100% free!) When involved in this kind of relationship, deep down, we all know that there is something wrong, it's just not something that we want to admit to ourselves. The guy I dated, let's call him EC, did the EXACT same things as your ex and your daughters BF. The police said that my saving grace was that he lived a few hours away. From his behavior, they guessed that he would have abused me if we would have spent more than a month together in the same city.

Let you daughter know that you are concerned about the health of their relationship. Ask her to think about a few things... not to respond, but just think:
- Does she think that it is 'normal' for her to go on a family trip and have the person that you love so much threaten to kill them self?
- Does she want to continue to live a life where she cannot go on a family trip without worrying if this person that she 'loves' will be alive when she returns?

Let your daughter know that you will be here for her and love her no matter what.

^^Just as a FYI, although some college campuses are ungated and 'open' they are usually considered private property. During this time of trying to break up, EC threatened to come over so that he could 'show me how much he loved me, because once I saw him, then I would know.' I broke down and called the police that night. If he steps on my University's campus, he goes to jail. It's not a restraining order, the campus police are just allowed to determine who's allowed on campus or who isn't.
^^I would also let your local police station know what's going on. Else, I would at least begin to keep records. If you call someone more than 16 times within a certain time period, it's considered harassment (you will need to check on the details).

Protect yourself and your younger daughter. In the end, it's your older's daughters decision.

Please PM me if you want to talk more about this, share experiences, or just need someone.

[OakLeaf]

(((((ACG and family)))))

I think Polly has really excellent advice.

I would add what I think you already know, that it may take your daughter several attempts to leave her boyfriend for good, so try not to get frustrated with her if she leaves and then goes back.

I think it's a good idea to let her know where you're coming from, but I don't think it's a good idea to put rigid conditions on your offers of help. Odds are that if she slips, she will feel too ashamed (or too financially strapped) to let you know. I know it's not what you meant, but it may feel to her like your love and support are conditional (which is what relationships tend to feel like to abuse victims, anyhow).

Take good care. Be proud of getting yourself out of that situation, and of being such a good mother.

[lph]

Just wanted to echo - you really are a fantastic mom for having the insight and experience to deal with this. You probably would rather not have that experience, but most mothers wouldn't be able to do what you can here.

[uforgot]

Notice the contrast between:
I tried to leave, and was told by my mom, to stay. Live with it. You can’t live here with me. Won’t help you pay for a divorce.

and

I have offered to help her find a place, to let her live with me, to help pay for things. To help her re-start her life.



You are already trying to break the cycle. The choices we make in relationships are not by chance. There are reasons for it. Unless the reasons and internalized feelings are addressed, chances are that both of you will continue to make these choices. Read about it, seek counseling, whatever it takes, and continue to talk about it. This message board is probably a good place as you will find a lot of people who have been right there with you. I find that even close friends don't always understand the dynamics of a family. This goes way back before either of you started these relationships. Your family growing up. Take a good look at it, were you allowed a voice? your own choices and feelings?

Anyway, your daughter has to make her own choices and you can continue to support and love her and help her when she is ready. I think you also need to take care of yourself. You may think you are out of the fire, but chances are you need to find out why you married him in the first place, and you probably need some help doing that.

Take care.

[bmccasland]

Gee this sounds familiar...

Been there, done that, but don't have a souvenir T-shirt to show for it. And I broke the cycle by not having children. Drastic measures, I know.

What I can add is only that unfortunately your older daughter grew up with the preception that that sort of treatment is to a certain extent "normal." I'm not saying she's a lost cause, but it's hard to break the cycle. Continue to a positive support to her, but make certain that you take care of you. Try not to cut the boyfriend down too much, that may chase her away, but to point out the positive things in her life. Lift her up, but don't put him down.

[Desert Tortoise]

Wow! You are an incredible woman and mom. You have fought a tough fight and came out triumphant. Your daughters see and will continue to see your fine example.

Your oldest is struggling now but with your open arms and family support she will find her way. It might not happen quickly or even the first time around but it sounds like she is becoming receptive. The fact the she remains close to you and her sister is very encouraging.

From what you describe, your current relationship is so much better. This could be an example of how a man/husband treats a woman. Does she spend time with you and your SO? Does she see how he treats you? Shouldn't be in her face but subtle. Maybe casual remarks about something small but loving he did for you.

With your love and support your daughter will find her path and be a better and stronger woman for it. I have faith she will. Afterall, look at her mom.

[zoom-zoom]

Notice the contrast between:
I tried to leave, and was told by my mom, to stay. Live with it. You can’t live here with me. Won’t help you pay for a divorce.

and

I have offered to help her find a place, to let her live with me, to help pay for things. To help her re-start her life.

This stuck out for me, too. Your DD is so lucky to have a mom who wants her to be safe and in a healthy relationship. Your support gives her incentive to be in a better place--you didn't have that. I hope she takes advantage of the gift you are giving her.

[ACG]

In response to you all. THANK YOU. It felt really good to talk to someone about this. Painful very. Frustrating yes.

Yes I've been to therapy, still go.

Yes I have suggested therapy, many, many times. I'm going to try my best to get her to go. She doesn't have a lot of faith in therapists probably dates back to experiences years ago when she saw her dad/me in therapy and how it didn't work. He fired almost all of our therapists.

We have grounds for restraining orders and civil harassment orders. However, she has to be willing to file it. The 19 year old doesn't want to file one because she feels that the boyfriend will take it out on her older sister. I have spoken to my lawyer and will keep necssary records, I know what to look for, I can have one filed in 24 hours if needed. But again both daughters are adults, they have to file the order, not me. I did get my oldest to agree to put her cell phone on my plan. Now I will have records of the multiple texts and phone calls, should it be needed for later.

He knows he isn't welcome at my home.

My daughter is 26, an adult. She can't be forced into anything. She has admitted to the youngest that she can't believe she is with someone who is just like her dad. She admitted to me in an e-mail that she needs to leave him.

I can predict the boyfriends actions, what he'll do/say in response to any/most know what to look for. He knows this, he is afraid of me. He won't even look me in the eye. I do not put the boyfriend down to my daughter. I do not try to tell her what she is doing wrong.

I am in a very loving relationship with a man, a widower who has a 7 year old. We are raising her together. I now have another child to think of. My Honey sat my 26 year old down and had a talk with her. He is really concerned for her and said a lot of the things I've said, but coming from him it probably sounded different. He told me/her. The day I moved in here, you, your mom, your sister, became my family. He offered to help her move out, go to her place and take all of her personal items for her. He told her - We are going to help you, take care of you, but you have to look at yourself and figure out what is best for you. This made me cry. Again she wants to have a plan before she moves out. So frustrating.

I am tense every morning until I get a text from her saying, she is okay. Today we are meeting to pick out new glasses for her.

She knows I am going to have a talk with her, we are planning on Sunday night.

I am a very direct person. People know exactly how I feel about things, if they ask me. I don't lie and I don't play their games. I avoid toxic people.

This is a much taboo subject to many people. It happens it is out there.

I have a trip planned to Europe, with my girls in the summer for two weeks. I think this will be a great way for us to spend some time together and be away from everything.

Thank you again for your thoughts and prayers I am very overwhelmed by it. Audrey

[lph]

Audrey, I wish you were my mother.

[BikingNurse]

So sorry to hear about this. The only thing I can say is love her . When she is ready for the help. do NOT hold it over her. as in "I helped you". This will push her away, you may lose her.

[badger]

oh Audrey, if only all mothers had the same insight and understanding as you!

I hope that your daughter will admit soon that she needs help in getting out of the relationship. As beneficial as groups and therapies are, it's no good if she herself doesn't admit she needs help. She certainly has a lot of loving people to support her, I hope she realizes one day just how lucky she is to have that and she deserves so much more than to be with someone who doesn't support her.

But having you as a mother I have no doubt she will pull through!

[tctrek]

(((Audrey))) Your story is heart-breaking, but you are a good Mom and she will come around. The best thing you are doing is not judging her. You have extended open arms. I think that is lovely.