another bike date... he neglected to mention...

[Trek420]

Yasmin wrote "As far as a woman shaping her life around a man, TELL ME ABOUT IT!!! I've done it 3 times. When will I learn. Partly I think it's in-built."

We're wired that way. Possibly if we wern't nurturing humans would not have survived. If men weren't out there hunting mastadons we would not have survived either. So it was all essential at some time. Not that women can't hunt mastadons and men can't pick berries but we get the message that society dissaproves.

And we get it so young.

Off season I'm in the dojo. Today was open training, just show up and work on...whatever. Depends on who's there.

So I'm working with our visiting student and on the other side there's a little girl, maybe 9 and her parents. She plans to go to school tomorrow with one of our black belts and do a demo for her class. Cute huh?

Her parents are very encourageing but she's so nervous, hardly moves, and won't kiai (yell) or make a sound at all.

Thinking she could use some encouragement from a gal I go over and tell her "see this?" (Trek points at belt) "Sensei (teacher) gave it to me because I'm loud. When I don't know what to do or whether it's my right foot or left I make a lot of noise"

We talked about that it's ok for women and girls to be loud, and to be strong and throw big guys around like rag dolls, it's ok to make mistakes and not to worry about it.

By the end I think I saw a smile and she was throwing the black belt she's borowing hard. But still would not make a sound. These messages are so deep.

"How many men do you know who reshape themselves around a woman?"

I think it's different for men. And I hate to generalize but I think some men reshape themselves but in other ways.

Some of the techs I work with complain loudly of the hours, overtime and time away from their families. But ask them "you could decline OT, are you willing to give up the 'vette, the vacation home, or live with less?" "no".

"I told my husband ages ago that if we end I'm not playing that tune anymore."

I'm curious if you feel that reshapeing yourself is endangering the relationship, why not find a way to let the real Yasmin out BEFORE it ends? Could be even better than before? I'm just asking. Don't know what's right.

"I'm curious to know what happens in same-sex relationships."

So am I ;-) Women, who can figure them out?

"I know one couple (men) who were together for 25years until one died of a ruptured aorta, very sad. But in that instance it was still one person adjusting to another. Is it more a matter of "givers & takers"?"

Sorry to hear about your friends.

Speaking as I do for all gay people .... not ..... I think that our relationships may be more fluid because we don't have ridid generalization about gender roles. You're free to sorta work that out yourself or should be.

On the other hand individuals can be of themselves just as rigid: take my ex, please...she didn't want me to do laundry, ever. She kinda resented that she had to do it but would not let me. Alrighty then.

Well, 3 years later here I sit fully clothed, laundry going in the background.

The goal is some fluidity, back to cycling analogies. I've never ridden a tandem but what I've read is this, that both pedal together but on a tandem when the captain tires the stoker pitches in, when the stoker is tired the captain works a little harder, when both are tired, stop for lunch? Feel free to correct me V?

Hopefully with communication it's not always one person who gives or takes, can be fluid. At least that's what I'd like.

"Trek...you've partly answered this question for me anyway. When I look back I get pretty peed at myself for being so "giving" ie changing more for them than they do for me. It's my own fault really."

Well we're all learning all the time, we make mistakes, we get better but mostly hopefully we don't keep doing the same ^&%$ thing. If you're lucky you'll have troubles all your life, if you're unlucky they will be the same &^%$'ing ones. We're not taught how to do this, no one comes with directions, and most ARE taught a lotta stuff that is dreck.

My parents had an incredible marriage, this February would have been 65 years and they were very happy. So I had the example in front of me and still don't know what I'm doing.

I sometimes think that relationships are the single hardest thing we do and maybe the most important.