What would you do?

[Selkie]

Thanks, everyone, for the different points of view and excellent advice.

I'm no shrinking violet and have told Dino directly--twice--that it's inappropriate for him to make comments about my not taking DH's surname. He doesn't like confident women, at least if that woman is over forty or not pleasing to his eye. In addition, I think he's resentful because I'm higher graded than he (i.e., I make more than he does---he's the type that figures out everyone else's grade & then whines that he'll never get promoted!) and I'm smarter, more hard working, etc.

My situation is akin to what GLC described. Having been a manager/supervisor, I know the laws and regulations. In the past, I have reported this sort of thing and trust me, one get a label for not turning a blind eye to jerks like this. You get labeled "overly sensitive," lacking a sense of humor, and not being able to get along well w/others. We've all had mandatory EEO training and there's a zero tolerance policy. However, the reality is that the personal/professional toll it takes on the person who is a victim and/or reports it is simply too high.

I don't think reporting it will do any good. It will do nothing but add to my boss's stress and Dino will wiggle out of it, turn it back on me. I've seen him in action--nothing is his fault--and he gets away with using his personal problems to avoid things and face responsibility. The guy is unstable and I suggested that he see a therapist about his inability to let go of his anger toward his ex (he ignored that one because he thrives on being a "victim"). I'm not afraid of him, however, because he's really a coward. That's why he has to say stupid, thoughtless things.

I think I'm going to try Maxxie's suggestion of listening to him blather, saying "hmmmmm," then walking away. I'm also not initiating any non-work related conversations with him (he's one of those social butterflies who likes to spend 80% of the day chattering---I mean gossiping). I also intend to be vocal about the inappropriateness of his "stories" when the situation arises---I've done this in a past situation with a fellow coworker who was a perv---I told him--in my "elitist snob tone" that I use in situations like this--that he was "adolescent," to which another male (mature, non-perv) laughed heartily.

[tzvia]

If you don't think reporting it will do any good, then your company has issues and needs to be reported. Harassment on the job should not be tolerated. Where I work we regularly have to take mandatory harassment training. I get it twice as my company contracts IT services to another. I have to take ours and theirs as I work on-site... and have access to our HR and Legal if needed. We are not dealing with some company's feel-good internal worthless drivel, but state and federal law, as you well know. The company has to comply and has to take your report seriously. They are responsible for following all laws and must investigate all reported incidents. You have legal recourse if they do not. Yes I know you know all this, and I am sure your employer knows as well. They need to follow it.

A co-worker of mine many years ago at a previous job was harassed by a much larger male co-worker who actually threatened physical harm to her verbally. The owner of the company (family owned retail business) basically told her 'it's only talk and he is the best salesperson so go away and have a nice day.' The harassment had many witnesses including myself, and she felt she was in physical danger from this man, so she quit out of fear and sued the company and yes they were legally responsible. They ended up firing the man but it was a bit too late to save themselves from legal action.

[Selkie]

If I reported it, they would investigate. They are exceptionally good at trying to quash these things and management at the highest level is extremely dedicated to EEO issues.

Unfortunately, at the working level, it's still seen as not being able to get along or being too sensitive. I also wouldn't put it past him to lie about it. I am going to start documenting things, in addition to the course of action I described above. If my continued attempts have no impact or make him act out more, I will go to my supervisor. This person is a negative influence in the work environment on just about every level, so this is one factor of several issues related to him.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, Tzvia. I'm glad she was able to sue.

[NbyNW]

I think it's good that you're documenting things, even if you don't feel that this is the time to elevate the situation to a management concern.

I have been a fly on the wall listening to DH's management challenges. In one case they were getting ready to let someone go for poor performance and other problems, and it came out that this person had behaved inappropriately towards some of the women in the office, but they had not filed reports. DH had to really convince them that it was important that they file the reports, that it was not "making trouble." Having those reports on file, even if they came months after the fact, made it impossible for the guy to slap back at the company with a wrongful termination suit.

[Selkie]

My boss likes him and he's add some limited value (likes to pick and choose his tasks, and avoid the difficult work--I have gotten stuck doing a lot of things that should have been assigned to him). Our office is new and our boss has been very distracted & busy setting things up, so she really hasn't been able to "manage" us. That said, I think she's starting to figure him out. With any luck, he'll decide that he's not being treat fairly and leave (he's always threatening to do so...).

[Selkie]

UPDATE: Well, Dino the Dinosaur did it again, this Thursday. He referred to me as "Mrs. DH'sSurname" in front of a coworker (the three of us were talking about the how hot it was in the office). I told him again, NOT to call me that, said that it was going to "get hotter" in the office if he didn't stop it, and walked away. Yesterday, I finally talked to my boss about it, and she said she's going to talk to him on Monday--he was out yesterday. If he does it again, she wants to know. Apparently, he's already been counseled for his inappropriate comments, which he's attributed to "humor." This guy has pet names for people whom he doesn't like--he calls one person "Herpes" and another "Condom." I suspect someone complained to her about that. I'm glad I told her because now she will realize that this is more than just a matter of Dino having a different sense of humor and that he's actually trying to put down others. I told her that he kept doing it, despite my asking him not to, and that was why I felt she needed to know. I expect that he will react in his typical passive-aggressive fashion but I will ignore it. I also suspect that he has been calling me "Mrs. DH'sSurname" behind my back to anyone whom he talks at (it's likely his pet name for me).

[Maxxxie]

Mickchick, I'm so pleased to hear that you brought him to your boss' attention. Hopefully he'll pull his head in!

Max