What would you do?

[Biciclista]

call the authorities. How many people will he do this to if you don't stop him?

what a jerk. at my company we have an ethics hotline.. i hope you have some good options too.

[GLC1968]

Being perfectly honest, I think it depends on your work situation. (I'm sure I'm about to piss off a lot of TE members here...)

If you work in a group, department or office where it is very much a 'guys club' where everyone is kind of like him, then honestly, unless it becomes highly disruptive/abusive, I wouldn't report it. My reasoning is this - it's not going to get you anywhere and it'll likely make it worse. My first engineering job out of school was with a DoD contractor. I worked with 20 other guys, most of whom were over 50 and retired Navy. They called me 'sweetheart', 'honey' and they didn't bother to reign in their commentary about inappropriate stuff when I was around. They didn't outwardly disrepsect my abilities or my responsibilities - it just clearly would have been viewed as an uncomfortable situation for most women.

I also knew that there was NO WAY that reporting it was going to get me anywhere. My company would have been obligated to do something about it, and that something would likely have just escalated the problem. I handled it by tossing it right back at them. I 'became' one of the boys, so to speak. When they realized that they were no longer getting a rise out of me, it all stopped. They started calling me by my name and while the inappropriate stories didn't completely stop, they did try to tone it down in my presence. Of course, my situation was a little different because I don't think that at any time, any of these guys would have felt threatened by me. They may not have liked my presense, but none of them would ever dream that I might one day have their jobs. That kind of made it a little easier for me.

Now, if your work group is a mixed bag of people (men, women, young, old), and he's really the only offender, then yeah, I would say something. As others have said, it's possible that he's making other people uncomfortable too. And if you have a good relationship with your boss, I agree with whomever suggested that maybe you should ask her for advice prior to actually reporting him. She may have helpful advice or insight for you.

Good luck with it - it sounds like a tough situation all around!

[channlluv]

I think my response would be "Isn't is great? I have an equal opportunity to use my own name and you have an equal opportunity to be a jerk?"

Okay, now that one's funny.


I kept my maiden name when I married because I already had a Masters and several publishing credits in that name. I answer to Mrs. DH, though, too, when we're in his family's crowd of folks.

The only challenge has been that my daughter's last name is not the same as mine, so we get an extra step of questioning at airport security, but that's the only time anyone has ever stopped and asked based on the difference in names.

Roxy

[OakLeaf]

I answer to Mrs. DH, though, too, when we're in his family's crowd of folks.

And DH answers to (or identifies himself as) "Mr. Myname" when he's talking with a company that the account is in my name or a service person I've called.

[Crankin]

You know, I find it hilarious that the thing that pisses this guy off is the fact that you didn't change your name. It's not really funny, but I've heard stories about almost all of the other inappropriate behaviors that you described, but never this one. Seriously, he sounds unstable. Given the fact that he is living in an abusive situation (think of a woman in this situation), and generally hates women to begin with because of his past, I would think HR might take a wee interest in him. I feel like we might be reading about him on the news.

GLC, I didn't take offense at what you did. I might have done the same thing in that situation. I have only worked in female dominant workplaces, so I don't have a lot of experience with this. The one high school I worked in that had a more equal gender ratio was full of men of a certain religious persuasion that loved to talk about how they "protected" their wives from all things in the big, bad world. Since I was younger and didn't really give a crap, I always said stuff back to them. It wasn't harassment, but it was offensive to me. I'm pretty sure they said this stuff because I was the young teacher who came back to work 6 weeks after having a baby and bragged about how my DH had been a "stay at home dad" the year before I started working there.

[kermit]

I guess I'm "old school" but I'd ask this guy "hey, you got a minute" and give him the straight poop. Look him in the eye and tell him to knock it off. If that doesn't work, your supervisor is the next step. Then when she asks if you talked to him, you can tell her exactly what was said. I would even document the conversation and his response. There's nothing better than a memo up the chain. He's an insecure little weeny and the only thing that makes him feel like a man is picking on others. Jerk!

[Cataboo]

I'd probably just pretend it didn't bother me for the most part, I'm sure your colleagues think he's an idiot for bringing it up. And if he said it directly to me again, I'd make sure there were other witnesses around and smile sweetly and ask if your refusal to take your husbands last name is a sore subject for him, because of all the women who have declined to take his last name or changed their minds after doing so?

If it backfires and gets people laughing at him instead of contemplating your last name, he'll find something or someone else to go on about.

[ny biker]

Call me crazy but I think two keys words in the OP are "federal agency."

http://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/sexual_harassment.cfm

http://www.eeoc.gov/federal/fed_empl...t_overview.cfm

Can you go to EEO just to ask what your options are and ask them for guidance on how to handle the situation?

[malkin]

Make all your wise cracks here because we'll appreciate them!

And file a sexual harrassment complaint.

[WindingRoad]

I wouldn't even bring that up to another female coworker. I can't believe he thinks it is OK to pry into your personal life. I think I would just tell him that unless he has questions pertaining to work not bother you with personal questions because it isn't work related. It may seem blunt but obviously he's not the brightest so maybe you just need to spell it out in non condescending terms but be firm.

[marni]

going through your boss and then HR are both good. I would also suggest letting him go through his rant without reacting, then looking strraight at him and saying something like "and your point is?"

I hope it resolves itself soon.

marni ( who never had a middle name until I got married37 years ago. My last name is now hyphenated as is common in the netherlands and germany so I sign my name as Marni Josephson-Harang (josephson is my maiden name)

[Zen]

Call me crazy but I think two keys words in the OP are "federal agency."

Yup.

This type of behavior cannot be ignored.
As Crankin said, I think the man is unstable.
Keep a detailed account of all his offensive behavior. And good luck.

[Becky]

GLC, you first gig sounds a lot like my job now. No offense at all!

I work with a group of very professional office staff, and a bunch of rough-and-tumble field staff and contractors. IMO, it's a case of playing to your audience. When the field guys (of which I am one, depending on the day) have gotten out of line, I've told them to knock it off, and that's usually the end of it. Many of the contractors are old enough to be my father, so I let a lot of the "honey" and "kid" stuff ride 'cuz it's meant all in good fun, even admiration.

What differentiates Mickchick's situation IMO is that she's told this guy to cut it out and he hasn't. He's blown his last chance.

[Selkie]

Thanks, everyone, for the different points of view and excellent advice.

I'm no shrinking violet and have told Dino directly--twice--that it's inappropriate for him to make comments about my not taking DH's surname. He doesn't like confident women, at least if that woman is over forty or not pleasing to his eye. In addition, I think he's resentful because I'm higher graded than he (i.e., I make more than he does---he's the type that figures out everyone else's grade & then whines that he'll never get promoted!) and I'm smarter, more hard working, etc.

My situation is akin to what GLC described. Having been a manager/supervisor, I know the laws and regulations. In the past, I have reported this sort of thing and trust me, one get a label for not turning a blind eye to jerks like this. You get labeled "overly sensitive," lacking a sense of humor, and not being able to get along well w/others. We've all had mandatory EEO training and there's a zero tolerance policy. However, the reality is that the personal/professional toll it takes on the person who is a victim and/or reports it is simply too high.

I don't think reporting it will do any good. It will do nothing but add to my boss's stress and Dino will wiggle out of it, turn it back on me. I've seen him in action--nothing is his fault--and he gets away with using his personal problems to avoid things and face responsibility. The guy is unstable and I suggested that he see a therapist about his inability to let go of his anger toward his ex (he ignored that one because he thrives on being a "victim"). I'm not afraid of him, however, because he's really a coward. That's why he has to say stupid, thoughtless things.

I think I'm going to try Maxxie's suggestion of listening to him blather, saying "hmmmmm," then walking away. I'm also not initiating any non-work related conversations with him (he's one of those social butterflies who likes to spend 80% of the day chattering---I mean gossiping). I also intend to be vocal about the inappropriateness of his "stories" when the situation arises---I've done this in a past situation with a fellow coworker who was a perv---I told him--in my "elitist snob tone" that I use in situations like this--that he was "adolescent," to which another male (mature, non-perv) laughed heartily.

[tzvia]

If you don't think reporting it will do any good, then your company has issues and needs to be reported. Harassment on the job should not be tolerated. Where I work we regularly have to take mandatory harassment training. I get it twice as my company contracts IT services to another. I have to take ours and theirs as I work on-site... and have access to our HR and Legal if needed. We are not dealing with some company's feel-good internal worthless drivel, but state and federal law, as you well know. The company has to comply and has to take your report seriously. They are responsible for following all laws and must investigate all reported incidents. You have legal recourse if they do not. Yes I know you know all this, and I am sure your employer knows as well. They need to follow it.

A co-worker of mine many years ago at a previous job was harassed by a much larger male co-worker who actually threatened physical harm to her verbally. The owner of the company (family owned retail business) basically told her 'it's only talk and he is the best salesperson so go away and have a nice day.' The harassment had many witnesses including myself, and she felt she was in physical danger from this man, so she quit out of fear and sued the company and yes they were legally responsible. They ended up firing the man but it was a bit too late to save themselves from legal action.