What would you do?

[Selkie]

A male coworker of mine insists on making comments about the fact that I did not take my DH's surname when we married. The first few times this coworker (let's call him Dino, as in the Dinosaur) did it, I very clearly and emphatically told him that his comments were inappropriate and offensive. That seemed to keep him in line for a few months. Unfortunately, yesterday, Dino did it again. In fact, he actually said that he mentioned it to someone else, a lady who used to work for my DH (DH and I work at the same fed'l agency but in different parts of it). I just ignored his comment, knowing that he has issues with females and let's face it, he's a bit of an a-hole.

Of course, I started stewing over it a bit. Dino is in his 50s, twice divorced, and still rants about how his "rotten &^%$ witch" of a second wife "destroyed" his life (they've been divorced for years). He's currently in an emotionally abusive relationship--she's the abuser---and tells everyone all the details about his miserable situation but won't do anything to get out of/improve that situation. To make it worse, he makes inappropriate comments at times about females ---sexual stuff---when telling stories to "entertain" or impress people. Dino likes people to know that he reads/views porn too. He's someone who's stalled in his career and very angry/bitter about how things have ended up in every aspect of his life. I think you're getting the picture.

Dino is a big extrovert and people seem to like him. That makes it difficult for me to "report" him because I'm afraid that my boss will think that I'm overly-sensitive. In similar situations over the years, I've heard inappropriate comments explained away by "well, that's just so-and-so, you know he's a big goof," etc.

I really want to take the high road here and not cause any waves. I thought I'd give him one more chance and if he mentions my surname again, warn him that I'm going to EEO if he does it again. I know that if I do this, he will be telling EVERYONE about it and make me out to be a jerk.

How would YOU handle it?

By the way, my boss is a female, around my age, and is wonderful. She's under a lot of pressure now so I don't want to add to it. In addition, she likes Dino.

[OakLeaf]

Rather than going directly to your boss, does your company have an EEO officer or a HR department you could go to?

makes inappropriate comments at times about females ---sexual stuff---when telling stories to "entertain" or impress people. Dino likes people to know that he reads/views porn too.

That's the stuff that unquestionably makes a hostile work environment based on sex. The stuff about your last name is in there too, and I totally get how offensive it is to you (having been through some similar things before... decades ago ); but the expressly sexual stuff is what an EEO officer will definitely have heard before and have protocols about.

I can wish that you'd be comfortable reporting the guy for your own sake, but since you're not, are there other women at your workplace who've heard his comments? Do it for them. You could say to your boss (or to your EEO officer) "the company's going to get sued if this isn't taken care of." And it would be the truth. If your boss doesn't straighten the guy up, go to her boss.

[Crankin]

I totally agree with Oakleaf.
Although, in reality, I might tell him to shut the f up (and then I would get fired).

[Maxxxie]

The next time he says anything, I'd just say "Didn't we already discuss this? Did you go to a special school or something?"

But that's just me - antagonistic. Another one I've found that works is to listen carefully to everything they have to say, wait for them to finish, then say "Hmm.", and walk away.

Report him to whomever you feel is appropriate. There's a fine line between being a jerk and being a liability to the company. It seems he probably falls into the first category. Though the EEO people might take it seriously, he's unlikely to change, and the reality is that it might make you a target for his future rants about women etc.

I don't want to discourage you from reporting him if that's what you feel you need to do. But I also don't want to give you the idea that reporting him will necessarily improve the situation. It could make it worse, or it could do nothing at all (which would add to your frustration).

I wouldn't bother arcing up at him. He probably enjoys getting a rise out of you. Use your energy on more constructive things.

Edit: Upon re-read, I kind of glossed over the "sexual stuff" part of your original post. That stuff is definitely one the EEO people will lap up, no question. I once had occasion to report a guy (a contractor) for inappropriate behaviour. I needed him to see something on my computer screen, but didn't have a spare chair. So I asked him if he'd mind kind of squatting down/kneeling at my desk just to see what was on the screen. In hindsight, and out of context, I know how that sounds, but trust me, it was in no way an invitation for his response: "Oh, I love getting down on my knees in front of a woman". I spoke to his boss afterwards and he was "uninvited" from our project.

Max

[Becky]

My response would probably be along the same lines as Crankin's

I just sat through my "Respectful Workplace Behavior" refresher training last week. One of the things that they stressed was that your supervisor is obligated to follow up on any complaints, regardless of their personal feelings, and failure to do so could land them in a whole mess of trouble. Don't hesitate to report this- if he's doing it to you, he's doing it to others as well.

I might keep a log of the incidents, just to help demonstrate the severity of the issue. This doesn't sound like a one-time thing. If your supervisor blows you off, go to HR/EEO. I don't know about your agency, but mine is absolutely paranoid about this kind of stuff, almost to a fault, and would definitely take it seriously.

Long story short: you've previously told him to knock it off, he has not complied, and he doesn't deserve a second (or third, or fifth) chance.

Good luck!

[ny biker]

My employer requires us to take courses in sexual harrassment and this guy is clearly crossing the line. If he worked for us I could get him fired easily.

What if you talk to your boss about it, not to lodge a formal complaint but to ask her what can be done about his behavior.

Also, I think there are one or two live online chats on washingtonpost.com that focus on working for the federal government. That would be an anonymous way to ask for advice specifically for your situation.

[SheFly]

I agree with what others have said here. If you are uncomfortable going to your boss, go to HR. In my company, his behaviour is in violation of our ethics, and he would be terminated.

SheFly

[kermit]

I work in a mostly male unit and I agree with Maxxxie, you've got to give it right back to him, tactfully! He is obviously intimidated by you and his failed attempts at relationships with females are represented by you and your independence. That just pisses him off to see another independent woman that he can't control. He has found a topic that he's knows is getting to you so he keeps jabbing. When the time is right, jab back. There is a fine line between joking around and harassment, let him know he is crossing it. If that doesn't work, get your boss involved. It is after all her responsibility to supervise. Some people just need to be on a leash! Good luck!

[Aggie_Ama]

My maiden name was really long and German. Some guy once said to me about a former co-worker "she must not be committed to her husband if she can't respect him enough to take his name". My retort? "I only took my husband's because it was shorter and easier to pronounce". He looked dumbfounded at my flippant attitude towards taking his name. That is not why I changed my name but it is my snotty reply. I also tell people "my husband is a bit of a caveman and wouldn't take mine", also not true but it riles them up.

[copperlegend]

Anything that makes you uncomfortable in the workplace is harassment. My company has a program you can use to report complaints etc anonymously. I'm sorry you have to deal with this guy. He's clearly a neanderthal.

I am the only female in a department full of guys. They know what is crossing the line, and they would never go as far as that guy.

[Ered_Lithui]

I bet you're not the only one who thinks he's a bit of a jerk. That sort of behavior would make me extremely uncomfortable. Even if you decide not to act just yet, documenting his behavior from now on would be very helpful if he crosses the line again or if someone else wants to bring it to highers-up.

The name issue, while probably least likely to give you any traction with the boss, is what makes me most sad. I'm in my twenties and, while I can understand the convenience argument, would not consider changing my name for a hypothetical life partner. If someone were to suggest I needed to do so purely because I was female, I would be very, very offended. It's essentially saying that a key part of my sense of identity counts for nothing against the expectation of upholding an obsolete societal norm. Most of my married female friends and family members have changed their names, which is fine for them. But it's not for me, and knowing that it's one of the pillars supporting Dino's twisted and fragile egocentric worldview is one of the reasons why.

[ny biker]

My maiden name was really long and German. Some guy once said to me about a former co-worker "she must not be committed to her husband if she can't respect him enough to take his name". My retort? "I only took my husband's because it was shorter and easier to pronounce". He looked dumbfounded at my flippant attitude towards taking his name. That is not why I changed my name but it is my snotty reply. I also tell people "my husband is a bit of a caveman and wouldn't take mine", also not true but it riles them up.

I think it's nobody's business why you change your name or not. If someone makes an obnoxious comment, just say "wow" and walk away.

[SadieKate]

I think my response would be "Isn't is great? I have an equal opportunity to use my own name and you have an equal opportunity to be a jerk?"

[ACG]

Like everyone else has said, go to the EEO Office. Or maybe there is a complaint hotline you can call.

This is 100% unacceptable.

[smilingcat]

DON'T MAKE SARCASTIC REMARK! As you said, take the high road.

But do send a typed anonymous letter since I can see that you are uncomfortable. And write in third person.

What he is doing IS harassment. I also worry about his behavior toward women. Two bad divorce and hasn't gotten over, a third marriage that's breaking him... loves porn and tells others about it. Not good. He needs counselling. And the company is on the hook for his behavior. Why aren't they taking action?

If it's really bothering you and you can't deal with it, by all means write a letter and send it to HR.

just my 2cents.