What would you do?

[SheFly]

I agree with what others have said here. If you are uncomfortable going to your boss, go to HR. In my company, his behaviour is in violation of our ethics, and he would be terminated.

SheFly

[kermit]

I work in a mostly male unit and I agree with Maxxxie, you've got to give it right back to him, tactfully! He is obviously intimidated by you and his failed attempts at relationships with females are represented by you and your independence. That just pisses him off to see another independent woman that he can't control. He has found a topic that he's knows is getting to you so he keeps jabbing. When the time is right, jab back. There is a fine line between joking around and harassment, let him know he is crossing it. If that doesn't work, get your boss involved. It is after all her responsibility to supervise. Some people just need to be on a leash! Good luck!

[Aggie_Ama]

My maiden name was really long and German. Some guy once said to me about a former co-worker "she must not be committed to her husband if she can't respect him enough to take his name". My retort? "I only took my husband's because it was shorter and easier to pronounce". He looked dumbfounded at my flippant attitude towards taking his name. That is not why I changed my name but it is my snotty reply. I also tell people "my husband is a bit of a caveman and wouldn't take mine", also not true but it riles them up.

[copperlegend]

Anything that makes you uncomfortable in the workplace is harassment. My company has a program you can use to report complaints etc anonymously. I'm sorry you have to deal with this guy. He's clearly a neanderthal.

I am the only female in a department full of guys. They know what is crossing the line, and they would never go as far as that guy.

[Ered_Lithui]

I bet you're not the only one who thinks he's a bit of a jerk. That sort of behavior would make me extremely uncomfortable. Even if you decide not to act just yet, documenting his behavior from now on would be very helpful if he crosses the line again or if someone else wants to bring it to highers-up.

The name issue, while probably least likely to give you any traction with the boss, is what makes me most sad. I'm in my twenties and, while I can understand the convenience argument, would not consider changing my name for a hypothetical life partner. If someone were to suggest I needed to do so purely because I was female, I would be very, very offended. It's essentially saying that a key part of my sense of identity counts for nothing against the expectation of upholding an obsolete societal norm. Most of my married female friends and family members have changed their names, which is fine for them. But it's not for me, and knowing that it's one of the pillars supporting Dino's twisted and fragile egocentric worldview is one of the reasons why.

[SadieKate]

I think my response would be "Isn't is great? I have an equal opportunity to use my own name and you have an equal opportunity to be a jerk?"

[ACG]

Like everyone else has said, go to the EEO Office. Or maybe there is a complaint hotline you can call.

This is 100% unacceptable.

[smilingcat]

DON'T MAKE SARCASTIC REMARK! As you said, take the high road.

But do send a typed anonymous letter since I can see that you are uncomfortable. And write in third person.

What he is doing IS harassment. I also worry about his behavior toward women. Two bad divorce and hasn't gotten over, a third marriage that's breaking him... loves porn and tells others about it. Not good. He needs counselling. And the company is on the hook for his behavior. Why aren't they taking action?

If it's really bothering you and you can't deal with it, by all means write a letter and send it to HR.

just my 2cents.

[Biciclista]

call the authorities. How many people will he do this to if you don't stop him?

what a jerk. at my company we have an ethics hotline.. i hope you have some good options too.

[GLC1968]

Being perfectly honest, I think it depends on your work situation. (I'm sure I'm about to piss off a lot of TE members here...)

If you work in a group, department or office where it is very much a 'guys club' where everyone is kind of like him, then honestly, unless it becomes highly disruptive/abusive, I wouldn't report it. My reasoning is this - it's not going to get you anywhere and it'll likely make it worse. My first engineering job out of school was with a DoD contractor. I worked with 20 other guys, most of whom were over 50 and retired Navy. They called me 'sweetheart', 'honey' and they didn't bother to reign in their commentary about inappropriate stuff when I was around. They didn't outwardly disrepsect my abilities or my responsibilities - it just clearly would have been viewed as an uncomfortable situation for most women.

I also knew that there was NO WAY that reporting it was going to get me anywhere. My company would have been obligated to do something about it, and that something would likely have just escalated the problem. I handled it by tossing it right back at them. I 'became' one of the boys, so to speak. When they realized that they were no longer getting a rise out of me, it all stopped. They started calling me by my name and while the inappropriate stories didn't completely stop, they did try to tone it down in my presence. Of course, my situation was a little different because I don't think that at any time, any of these guys would have felt threatened by me. They may not have liked my presense, but none of them would ever dream that I might one day have their jobs. That kind of made it a little easier for me.

Now, if your work group is a mixed bag of people (men, women, young, old), and he's really the only offender, then yeah, I would say something. As others have said, it's possible that he's making other people uncomfortable too. And if you have a good relationship with your boss, I agree with whomever suggested that maybe you should ask her for advice prior to actually reporting him. She may have helpful advice or insight for you.

Good luck with it - it sounds like a tough situation all around!

[WindingRoad]

I wouldn't even bring that up to another female coworker. I can't believe he thinks it is OK to pry into your personal life. I think I would just tell him that unless he has questions pertaining to work not bother you with personal questions because it isn't work related. It may seem blunt but obviously he's not the brightest so maybe you just need to spell it out in non condescending terms but be firm.

[channlluv]

I think my response would be "Isn't is great? I have an equal opportunity to use my own name and you have an equal opportunity to be a jerk?"

Okay, now that one's funny.


I kept my maiden name when I married because I already had a Masters and several publishing credits in that name. I answer to Mrs. DH, though, too, when we're in his family's crowd of folks.

The only challenge has been that my daughter's last name is not the same as mine, so we get an extra step of questioning at airport security, but that's the only time anyone has ever stopped and asked based on the difference in names.

Roxy

[OakLeaf]

I answer to Mrs. DH, though, too, when we're in his family's crowd of folks.

And DH answers to (or identifies himself as) "Mr. Myname" when he's talking with a company that the account is in my name or a service person I've called.

[marni]

going through your boss and then HR are both good. I would also suggest letting him go through his rant without reacting, then looking strraight at him and saying something like "and your point is?"

I hope it resolves itself soon.

marni ( who never had a middle name until I got married37 years ago. My last name is now hyphenated as is common in the netherlands and germany so I sign my name as Marni Josephson-Harang (josephson is my maiden name)

[ny biker]

My maiden name was really long and German. Some guy once said to me about a former co-worker "she must not be committed to her husband if she can't respect him enough to take his name". My retort? "I only took my husband's because it was shorter and easier to pronounce". He looked dumbfounded at my flippant attitude towards taking his name. That is not why I changed my name but it is my snotty reply. I also tell people "my husband is a bit of a caveman and wouldn't take mine", also not true but it riles them up.

I think it's nobody's business why you change your name or not. If someone makes an obnoxious comment, just say "wow" and walk away.