(((((HUGS))))))

I understand about the anxiety issues. About 9-10 years ago I hit my ultimate low for similar issues and was hospitalized. Looking back, I can hardly believe that was me, I'm a different person now.

However, every now and then, some of those behaviors resurface. I remember 2 years ago taking DD for a bike ride and having a panic attack on the bike path. Or driving home from work one day and becoming paralyzed with anxiety, I had to pull over and have DH pick me up. Or when DH and I have gotten in arguments, I've completely shut-down. --these things don't happen often, I can count on one hand the number of incidents I've had over the last 9 years.

When it does happen, I always make an appt. to see my doctor. Sometimes just talking to a counselor helps and sometimes we find that my adrenals are low and I need to up my supplements. It has always helped to "check-in".

10 years ago, I didn't know there was help available, that I could live a "happy" life. But I know better now. I don't want to go back to where I was. That's why I don't hesitate to seek help when I need it.

I understand that you're upset with yourself for how you treated your BF. But sometimes that line of thinking can cause you to down-spiral more. You recognize that what happened was b/c of your anxiety issues, you should treat it like that. Apologizing to BF is good and necessary, but even better would be to get yourself some help so that your BF can see that you are taking good care of yourself.