Anxiety Past and Present...

[Irulan]

sounds like you might want to resume a more aggressive handling of your anxiety - whether it's more intense counseling, medication, bio feedback, 12 step work, meditation, whatever. There are a lot of tools out there for managing anxiety that help by increasing awareness of where we are about to go in the throes of an anxiety attack before we do something we might regret. Anxiety can snowball with a small trigger and increased awareness of whats coming is huge for making alternative moves.

I've got no comment on the relationship. Sometimes we are in the wrong relationship which can trigger a bunch of crap, or sometimes we are in a good relationship, but our own personal issues trigger a bunch of crap and it's up to our partner to decide whether they want to stick it out with us or not while we work through it.

A Path With Heart Jack Kornfield
The Power of Now Eckhart Tolle

Both books that I got something out of.

[NbyNW]

IME, sometimes it's a good idea to go back to counseling for a "tuneup." You're already aware of your issues; you have the tools to deal with them; you've grown as a person. Things can still resurface and disrupt our lives, and it can help to work through these with a counselor. You already did the hard part 8 years ago.

I would also consider asking your boyfriend to consider couples counseling with you, if you both want this to work. You are not in this relationship by yourself. It might help your relationship to grow if you work with a counselor to explore together what triggered this incident, how it affects both of you, and what you can do to be more supportive of each other.

[OakLeaf]

(((((((WindingRoad)))))))

[arielmoon]

*hugs*

[limewave]

(((((HUGS))))))

I understand about the anxiety issues. About 9-10 years ago I hit my ultimate low for similar issues and was hospitalized. Looking back, I can hardly believe that was me, I'm a different person now.

However, every now and then, some of those behaviors resurface. I remember 2 years ago taking DD for a bike ride and having a panic attack on the bike path. Or driving home from work one day and becoming paralyzed with anxiety, I had to pull over and have DH pick me up. Or when DH and I have gotten in arguments, I've completely shut-down. --these things don't happen often, I can count on one hand the number of incidents I've had over the last 9 years.

When it does happen, I always make an appt. to see my doctor. Sometimes just talking to a counselor helps and sometimes we find that my adrenals are low and I need to up my supplements. It has always helped to "check-in".

10 years ago, I didn't know there was help available, that I could live a "happy" life. But I know better now. I don't want to go back to where I was. That's why I don't hesitate to seek help when I need it.

I understand that you're upset with yourself for how you treated your BF. But sometimes that line of thinking can cause you to down-spiral more. You recognize that what happened was b/c of your anxiety issues, you should treat it like that. Apologizing to BF is good and necessary, but even better would be to get yourself some help so that your BF can see that you are taking good care of yourself.

[Crankin]

You are ahead of the game in that you know what your triggers are and are ready to work on what needs to be done. I have been through the whole anxiety thing and it took me a long time for that insight. As a therapist in training, it helps me to remember this.
PM me if you want some ideas that really worked for me and I use with my clients (most of whom do not have the insight you have). These are all strategies that you can use at home, in addition to counseling.
You are on the right track.

[WindingRoad]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts and kind words. I spoke with a good friend of mine today about a psychologist that she has went to and highly recommends. I'm going to set an appointment as soon as she emails me the information. I agree with the 'check up' scenario, I think it would be good to go talk to someone qualified just to be sure I'm dealing with things in a healthy way. I have apologized to my BF and he is being understanding but I did hurt him. I would agree with the couples counseling but I feel the problem is more with me honestly. I may be wrong and after I talk to my psychologist she may suggest that I bring him too? Today I'm taking it hour by hour because I feel like I'm not myself at the moment. I have a wierd detached feeling, difficult to explain, maybe just mental fatigue. I may go to Yoga tonight and skip the run, I really would like something soothing.