All the lycra is dirty, so you wear the too big tops that make you look like you have something to hide OR all the nice loose gear is in wash so you squeeze into those old tops that look like your daughters or put on those knicks that clearly make your thighs feel like tourniquets, and look like sausage, rather than not ride.
The bike hasnt been washed in so long( due to work or what ever) that its starting to resemble a organic life form, and you go out.
You get saddle sores and wonder,( even though a veggie) does that steak in the pants thing really work like it did for that old Tour guy?
You ride until you throw up and think, wow thats sick!!( as in 'cool').
You judge other women's physiques, purely by of they would be good on the flats or a good climber.( My Husband thinks this is PRIME wierdness!)
The sun galre is something like a solar flare, but you havent rode in ages- so MUST RIGHT NOW and the only way to avoid burning is to slap on enough zinc that you look like the Crow.