Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[badger]

it seems not too uncommon to have not-so-happy endings for parents who adopt. I'm surprised there are no formal help groups. I hope you'll be able to find some comfort somewhere.

My former boss and his wife has two natural children but also adopted two First Nations siblings. They both had fetal alcohol syndrome and proved nothing but trouble. The girl ran away constantly, finally ended up pregnant and moved back to her native Saskatchewan when she was 17. Her brother became involved in drugs and alcohol and was physicially abusive to the family. He also moved back to Saskatchewan when he was about 17.

They were given all the same opportunities as their two natural children but I guess the nature proved stronger than nurture.

I also saw a program once on people who adopted children from foreign countries who have had nothing but trouble. There's even a "camp" for them where there is a woman who is a child-whisperer of sorts. She uses her farm to rehabilitate these children. They don't come back perfect by any means, and some never go back because the parents can't handle them anymore. It was quite startling.

[cylegoddess]

Hope this helps some.
My husbands aunt adopted 2 girls from Korea. One has turned out pretty well, great grades, a dancer, spoiled rotten is the worst of her faults!
The other, a cheeky sort of girl - also gone bad. History of monstrous behavior including throwing a pool ball at her sisters nose, pysch ward, antidepressants, running up credit cards, accusing someone of rape( and we made SURE that she was or wasnt, esp me - seeing as I have been raped), the list goes on and on.
There is a book, called building better babies. Its about how you can make super intelligent , healthy babies. It also get syou to thinking how bad most people eat, and what they do on a daily basis to their body's - isnt so hot for children.
It is such a big big thing not to smoke or drink or take drugs , to have proper nutrition.
Im sure you did your very best.

[cylegoddess]

I myself, was considered a problem child( premie), up til the day that I found out that I had non diagnosed ADD from blue baby syndrome. It was heartbreaking as I blamed for things I had no control over( focus) etc, and despair spiraled me into a eating disorder, and worse. No one knew and my parents still dont know to this day, the cruelty that I have been thru.
I figure, they did their best, even though the best wasn't so good.
You, have tried. And like myself, are haunted. And might be for a while.
Time is a great healer, but sometimes there isnt enough time.
Perhaps you might do some hatha yoga.This is the very best thing I found for emotional hurt and upsets. It has been done for 1000s of years to calm the emotions and I find it helps let them out too.
You are a special and caring person. You have done a brave and good thing. Im sorry it hurt you. You are your own Lance Armstrong in some ways, you know? No hill or endurance will hurt as much as perhaps you still do. Use it, the pain is a tool. Exceed your limits. It helps. xxo Kerry

[OakLeaf]

(((((Barb)))))

I don't have a lot to add but a hearty +1 to what Trek said. I'm so sorry that things turned out so badly for your family, and so grateful to you for taking your children in.

When you say you've tried "everything," have you tried EMDR? It's one of the modalities that's supposed to be very effective on the kind of post-traumatic reaction you're describing. "Therapy" is as broad a term as "medicine" - it encompasses a lot of modalities and specialties, and I would really encourage you to try again. I do know how difficult that is in a rural area, but I would think you could find a broad range within a reasonable drive, and that at this point a drive would be worth it.

I hope you find a way to soothe your heart, and sooner than later.

[Crankin]

I hope I didn't sound too "flip" when I mentioned counseling. Trauma work is very difficult, so if you go this route, make sure to find someone who is experienced/a specialist in trauma. I know this sounds weird, but sometimes you can get a good referral for a therapist who specializes in trauma from a rape crisis center.
Please let us know how things are going.

[Trek420]

I forgot to have children (luckily Knott remembered) so I can't speak to what it is like to raise a very young child.

All I know is that parenting is the hardest job of all, teaching would be the second hardest I think.

If you want to have a family and all the parts work, lucky you! If not I can understand the desire to have ones own child, your genetic material, your eyes, his smile ... but every time I read of some new technology, new heroic measures to combat infertility all I can think of is somewhere a kid seeing the same news thinking "now I will never have a family". Even with your quality genetic material do we ever know what you're gonna get in a child?

Surprise totally different personality type. Maybe better than you

I personally know a few families with adopted kids who are very happy as far as I know. One of my Aikido instructors adopted their daughter from China. Things are working out well. They have created a lot of community/support with other local families who adopted whether in the good ol' USA or internationally at around the same time. Lots of support.

Growing up our next door (well through the field, through the orchard and past their barn) adopted three kids. I think the kids knew they were adopted. I don't know what happened to them over time. Hey, maybe I'll look them up in Facebook but as playmates and neighbors they were fine.

In the late 70's I cooked at a cafe on Piedmont Ave Oakland, one of our cooks was adopted, sort of. As a child his parents were not interested in parenting. They had other priorities whatever those were.

So they simply dropped him off with their lesbian neighbors in the apartment building. Then they left. This would have been in the '50's. The women raised him with what legal protections they could (which at the time would be none). As far as he was concerned they are his parents.

I recall he expressed no interest in finding the couple who could not be bothered with raising him.

He was, probably still is a great guy, a fun and competent coworker, very very straight and an excellent chef ....

[bacarver]

Hi TE -

Thanks for giving me ideas to ponder. I would very much like to locate an internet support group or individuals willing to e-mail/write who have been through this loss. I did search a few years ago and hit dead ends. The support out there was for those wanting to foster/adopt. The failures were ignored/set aside because they don't promote child placement. I will try again to see if I can find something.
My past experiences with outpatient counseling have been less than satisfactory. I am hesitant to go back in for more.
EMDR is probably my best option.
I find it hard to overcome the "it's not my fault" belief.

Barb