Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[Crankin]

I would advocate for counseling to deal with this, because in all reality, you most likely wouldn't find a support group, even in a larger city. It must be heartbreaking, and I am at a loss for words.
But, I *do* know someone whose adoption did not work out. I don't know her well, but she goes to my synagogue. She adopted 2 boys, about 2 years apart. I believe they were infants or toddlers when they were adopted. Just this past year, I found out that the younger boy had serious emotional/behavioral problems, to the point of threatening to kill the parents with knives. They turned him over to DSS and made him a ward of the state. I believe he was around 15. One of my good friends was a teacher assistant in the special needs class he was in during middle school.
I know that this doesn't exactly match up with your situation, but I know this woman's life has been living hell because of it.

[Biciclista]

I know of a woman who adopted a little boy who had been abused. She shared a home with her sister and her sister's husband and they figured with the 3 of them they could overcome the serious problems that little boy had.
The woman bore another child and her sister had two more, but the hardest child for them all was that boy. He finally got big enough that when he had his tantrums, they had to call 911 and he often ended up restrained and/or drugged and incarcerated.
They finally found a "military academy" for boys like him. They see him twice a year. he's only 12. You're not alone. It has got to be so traumatic. Aren't there any support groups for folks like you?

[Eden]

Taking on older children is never easy and what they went through before you adopted them may have been too damaging for you to change. Even with infants it doesn't always work out wonderfully. Not that this may not have been the same story even with biological children, but I do think that the person I know may have been a fetal alcohol baby (and who knows what else..)

My aunt and uncle were unable to have children and adopted two girls as infants. The first one was a real terror..... she was probably a psychopath and showed it from the time she was a baby.... She abused animals as a small child, terrorized other children (including and probably worst her sister) had extraordinarily poor self esteem and generally acted very poorly.

I won't excuse them from all of it - they turned a blind eye to a lot of her behavior, but I do definitely think that nature had something to do with it.

My aunt and uncle never gave up on her. She got pregnant in high school and ended up moving out. She eventually married and had another child and it seemed like she was actually settling down a bit when she over dosed and died from prescription medicines.

My other cousin, for all she went through as a child is pretty normal. She went to college and married recently. She does however suffer from panic attacks...

[shootingstar]

I do want to preface that I've known several people in my generation who were adopted, are loved and are just fine.

I did have a close childhood friend, we were pals into early 30's friendship where I knew her family well. Her parents adopted boy when he was around 3-4 yrs. old At times, through the years I would hear of the problems with her brother. Total contrast to rest of his 3 sisters. He got into crime, several times in jail, drugs, etc. Didn't finish high school. Left home. He did eventually clean up and married a nice woman. I met her.

Then several years later, I heard he died. He was only in his late 20's. The reason for his death was never really given. Like a dark cloud hanging over the family.

For a totally different family, I've always wondered of what happened to this huge family, that we knew where a Caucasian couple (professors) had 2 natural children and adopted 5 other children..wide range of backgrounds, several black, 2 native Indian, etc. This was highly atypical in small southern Ontario city when I was growing up to have a large family of primarily adopted children. At the time, it was source of curiosity because it was predominantly white city at the time.

Even as children we knew some of the adopted children had some learning (meaning disruptive) challenges in the classroom since some were in classes with some of my siblings.

[salsabike]

Bacarver, I have a close friend who had an adoption that did not work and was later rescinded, and have worked with a couple of parents who have experienced this. You are definitely not alone. Let me check with the close friend when I get back to work next week to see if she has any support group info---she may well---or other resources for you. I am sorry. Very painful stuff. Please know that with the best will in the world, you can't always make things work for other people, and that this is not your fault.

[bacarver]

"My son"/the boy we adopted was taken away in handcuffs 3 weeks after his 15th birthday. He was defiant, had attacked us, and we were fearful of him. He then went to a psych hospital, then to a children's treatment facility, then back into foster care where he aged out.
We signed papers allowing "our daughter"/the girl to marry 2 days after she turned 17. She refused to live at our house any longer and there was nothing we could do. She despised us.
I would like to connect with others who have been through this. But, I don't want to gripe. I want to deal with this, adjust, and move on in a healthy direction. I cannot imagine another 10 years of daily flashbacks and distressing dreams.
Thanks for listening.
Barb

[blackhillsbiker]

My best friend in Wyoming adopted 2 sets of sibling Russian children. What with fetal alcohol syndrome, oppositional-defiance, reactive-attachment disorder, sexual abuse issues and learning disabilities, their lives were chaos. I didn't realize until then that there are some early damages that cannot be undone, regardless of love and parenting. It tore up their marriage. I'm not exactly sure where she (my friend) is now. It all got to be too much for her. I suspect that there are lots of people in the same situation as you. I know that internet support groups aren't the same as being in the same room as others, but there are probably some decent ones out there. Counseling is also a good suggestion. I hope you are able to find some assistance in dealing with this.

Big hugs,
Deb

[copperlegend]

bacarver:

As someone that is adopted (27 years ago, as a newborn, as far as i am concerned my parents are MY PARENTS) I want to thank you for adopting. It may not help with the pain you feel with your specific situation, but people like you are a godsend, even when things don't turn out wonderfully. I hope one day you find some sort of solace.

*hug*