Any other unhappy-ending adoptive parents out there?

[bacarver]

Hi TE -

I don't know how well this topic will be received by the forum, but I'll give it a try. We adopted grade-school age siblings in 1995. Lived through about 6 plus years of hell with them. They left at ages 15 and 17 because they didn't want to live with us. It's been almost 10 years since they left, and I'm still bombarded by memories on a daily basis and vivid dreams several nights a week. We have absolutely no contact with them or the nearly 5 year old son that my daughter has.
Not every adoption succeeds and there must be others who have been through this. I need something to help me move on.
I've tried a variety of methods to be at peace with this pain and nothing works.
The investment in adopting children as your own is for life despite the outcome.
I've tried to locate support groups/systems and haven't had any luck. Living in a rural area doesn't help. Adoption support systems are geared toward the matches that are still intact.
Thanks -
Barb

[shootingstar]

I'm sorry that you are sad/disturbed by these memories. It sounds tough. Hope one day you will find an answer for this longing/memory/grieving... whatever. Hope someone walks with you to find the answer to greater wisdom and understanding. You are a good person and have done your best.

On a related topic, last night I was watching a videoclip by a gifted pediatric doctor on brain development and the effect of parenting and child's environment during lst 5 yrs. of life. The years before you received these children into your home. Let me try to find this thing. I'm sure many TE members who work with children, know some of these theories.

http://www.hbs.edu/centennial/busine...hallenges.html Bcarver, this is actually a conference on diversity and management. For an interesting reason, the panel included this doctor, whom you will see with white hair, seated beside the black prof. The black prof. speaks for 5 min. introducing all speakers. But the doctor will speak lst after all introductions. He is an engaging and warm speaker with a real gift for teaching. You can see/hear it.

I think they brought him in to speak to senior managers ..to help them make correlations how important it is to build organizations in a healthy way, (like nuturing a child??) recognize capabilities of people with different needs.

(For TE members, next speaker is about women in senior management (or lack of numbers) of possible interest, totally unrelated to children. Some good stories.)

________________________________________________________________
I'm not a parent and my partner has children from his former marriage.

[Crankin]

I would advocate for counseling to deal with this, because in all reality, you most likely wouldn't find a support group, even in a larger city. It must be heartbreaking, and I am at a loss for words.
But, I *do* know someone whose adoption did not work out. I don't know her well, but she goes to my synagogue. She adopted 2 boys, about 2 years apart. I believe they were infants or toddlers when they were adopted. Just this past year, I found out that the younger boy had serious emotional/behavioral problems, to the point of threatening to kill the parents with knives. They turned him over to DSS and made him a ward of the state. I believe he was around 15. One of my good friends was a teacher assistant in the special needs class he was in during middle school.
I know that this doesn't exactly match up with your situation, but I know this woman's life has been living hell because of it.

[Biciclista]

I know of a woman who adopted a little boy who had been abused. She shared a home with her sister and her sister's husband and they figured with the 3 of them they could overcome the serious problems that little boy had.
The woman bore another child and her sister had two more, but the hardest child for them all was that boy. He finally got big enough that when he had his tantrums, they had to call 911 and he often ended up restrained and/or drugged and incarcerated.
They finally found a "military academy" for boys like him. They see him twice a year. he's only 12. You're not alone. It has got to be so traumatic. Aren't there any support groups for folks like you?

[Eden]

Taking on older children is never easy and what they went through before you adopted them may have been too damaging for you to change. Even with infants it doesn't always work out wonderfully. Not that this may not have been the same story even with biological children, but I do think that the person I know may have been a fetal alcohol baby (and who knows what else..)

My aunt and uncle were unable to have children and adopted two girls as infants. The first one was a real terror..... she was probably a psychopath and showed it from the time she was a baby.... She abused animals as a small child, terrorized other children (including and probably worst her sister) had extraordinarily poor self esteem and generally acted very poorly.

I won't excuse them from all of it - they turned a blind eye to a lot of her behavior, but I do definitely think that nature had something to do with it.

My aunt and uncle never gave up on her. She got pregnant in high school and ended up moving out. She eventually married and had another child and it seemed like she was actually settling down a bit when she over dosed and died from prescription medicines.

My other cousin, for all she went through as a child is pretty normal. She went to college and married recently. She does however suffer from panic attacks...

[shootingstar]

I do want to preface that I've known several people in my generation who were adopted, are loved and are just fine.

I did have a close childhood friend, we were pals into early 30's friendship where I knew her family well. Her parents adopted boy when he was around 3-4 yrs. old At times, through the years I would hear of the problems with her brother. Total contrast to rest of his 3 sisters. He got into crime, several times in jail, drugs, etc. Didn't finish high school. Left home. He did eventually clean up and married a nice woman. I met her.

Then several years later, I heard he died. He was only in his late 20's. The reason for his death was never really given. Like a dark cloud hanging over the family.

For a totally different family, I've always wondered of what happened to this huge family, that we knew where a Caucasian couple (professors) had 2 natural children and adopted 5 other children..wide range of backgrounds, several black, 2 native Indian, etc. This was highly atypical in small southern Ontario city when I was growing up to have a large family of primarily adopted children. At the time, it was source of curiosity because it was predominantly white city at the time.

Even as children we knew some of the adopted children had some learning (meaning disruptive) challenges in the classroom since some were in classes with some of my siblings.

[tc1]

Hi Bacarver.
Normally I don't comment on threads regarding kids, as I am happily childless. But, I wanted to tell you, that I work with someone who did therapeutic foster care for a number of years. He has told me that the childrens' birth families are usually a mess, with a lot of substance abuse. He maintains that prenatal drug/alcohol abuse can not only damage the fetus, but can cause damage to eggs and sperm. His point is, by the time one gets these children the damage has already been done, and sometimes nothing can fix it.

I will ask him the next time I see him if there are any support groups out there, or if he has any books to recommend. I do feel qualified to tell you to stop blaming yourself, sometimes even our best efforts result in bad outcomes.

[Onix]

((((Barb))))))

Have you received any therapy for these issues in the past?

I can only imagine how traumatic and difficult that must have been on your family. I have spent many years working at a children's shelter and working with kids and families in really really difficult situations.

I will look up some resources for you to see if I can find anything to help out. I am in social work graduate school at the moment and have a few professors who work a lot with adoption. I am sure that they have resources regarding this type of challenge.

Best of luck.

[Tuckervill]

As someone has said, it's not uncommon for the relationships of biological parent/child to disintegrate, as well, or never even get started very well. Disabuse yourself of any notions that you somehow failed these kids or that biological parents automatically have it all together.

Add in fetal alcohol syndrome--you were probably doomed from the start.

There's a Christian writer/speaker, Beth Moore, who writes very eloquently about having to give up an adopted child after 11 years (I think). You might look her up.

My brother-in-law had to give up a pair of siblings (not yet adopted, but they lived there for 5 years) because one of the children was a danger to the family. Keeping them would have meant certain molestation of their little girl, at a minimum, so there's a line to be drawn.

A close friend put up with 23 years of hell from her adopted child with FAS. Horrible, indescribable torturous life for the entire family, and it goes on, even as they are finally estranged. The family is still a target of this man's delusions, even after he was given a wonderful wonderful life, under the circumstances. Because of the FAS, he is completely incapable of moderating his impulses, and unfortunately he is a danger to others but the family is basically in hiding from him. It is so bad that when the father passed away suddenly, his will stated the son was not to be told until after the funeral, and then through a third party. All because of FAS. It was very difficult for the parents to let go and not feel guilty about it (still an ongoing process for the mother), but they were heroes in my book.

The person to blame is the biological mother who drank through the pregnancy, and that's a road that goes backwards forever, and there's no point in looking back. Just don't blame yourself. YOU are not a miracle worker. YOU did what you could. Find a way to release yourself. You deserve it.

Karen

[shootingstar]

As someone has said, it's not uncommon for the relationships of biological parent/child to disintegrate, as well, or never even get started very well. Disabuse yourself of any notions that you somehow failed these kids or that biological parents automatically have it all together.

Well said, Tuckerville especially when bacarver tried hard.

And alot of families with natural children if one looks at a whole family tree, there is at least 1 (or more) somewhat dysfunctional family relationship(s) that could be improved or person that needs help. But person can't/doesn't want to change.

[salsabike]

Barb, I have emailed the friend I mentioned and will let you know what I hear.

[bacarver]

Channlluv -

Yes, I have used journalling in the past. I wrote volumes that I burned once the kids had been gone for about a year. I couldn't keep the journals in the house because the presence of them continued the misery.

EMDR is a unique therapy that uses eye movements to unlock and then reprocess traumatic memories.

Onix - Yes, I've been in traditional therapy for this and it didn't help. I don't fit into a familiar category and it was hard for the therapist to know how to help me. I would greatly appreciate any resources.

Salsabike - Thank you.

Barb

[Shara]

I agree with what people have said so far and really feel for you Barb. Children are your children no matter how they came into your life. I like to think that your story hasn't ended. Your children are adults now and hopefully, at some point, they will start thinking about their childhoods and want to talk to you. For some people it takes a long time to get to a reflective period in their lives but I hope it happens for them. As for resources, I really don't have any ideas that haven't been suggested. I think there might be a lack of information because people don't like to say anything negative about adoption since it already has its own stigmas. But there should be something out there. I like the idea of starting your own

[indysteel]

Barb, I am so sorry about your situation. Like Trek420 said, however, what happened with your children is not unique to adoptive parents/children. Even in my own family, there have been long periods of estrangement between my parents and two of their three biological children. I think you might be able to find some support out there if you broaden your search to biological parents who are dealing with troubled or estranged children.

As for therapy, I wonder if you might benefit from trying another therapist or type of therapy, especially if your past experience is limited to just one therapist. Not every therapist or counselor is a good fit, nor is every therapist good at what she/he does unfortunately. It can take some trial and error as a patient to find one that works for you. With the right guidance, however, I firmly believe that it's possible to make traumatic experiences more bearable and to move forward with your life.

My therapist practices EMDR, and while I don't necessarily fit the profile for PTSD, I have had a few sessions with her so that she could get certified (and I could work through some baggage). I found it to be incredibly helpful. If nothing else, it helped cement my understanding that "I" am distinct from the events that have transpired in my life and the emotions that they trigger, as integral to me as they sometimes feel. It's given me a bit more distance from the sadness in my life.

Good luck with whatever you choose. I sincerely hope you find peace.

[Crankin]

Thank you, Indy for saying what you did about a bad therapy experience. I feel like I don't want to say anything, because people might think I was "pushing" my new profession, or worse, that I am just an over zealous grad student. You hit the nail on the head when you mentioned trauma work. It's tough and often makes the flashbacks worse before they get better, but it does work. Trauma can encompass a lot of situations, although most people think of PTSD as only associated with military trauma or witnessing some natural disaster.
And I think someone noted that biological children can cause this type of estrangement with parents and that even "happy" adoptions aren't always perfect. How true! My brother is adopted (as an infant) and although we definitely had the same child rearing, he is a troubled (though functional) adult. I didn't know the scope of his issues until quite recently, as we are eleven years apart and don't talk that often. Even though he was always told he was adopted and offered help to search for his birth parents (he refused, saying we were his "real" family), I think the trauma of abandonment is so real for adoptees, that even if they have no other issues such as FAS, unless the attachment stuff is worked through, it's never going to be easy.
Just my opinion, and a very humble one at that.